Can you smell it? It's the whiff of a smoker's nation.

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Saturday, October 16th, 2010
3:29 pm
Its no secret that Big Tobacco is a fan of the obnoxious. Extravagant is his favorite word immediately followed by expensive, his own name, and different four letter curses rotated on a hourly basis. Yessir, he's an egotistical bastard on his good days and a megalomaniac on his better days.

Right now he's with his driver, the crazy not-kid that speaks Big T's own language. They are deciding which car to buy next.

"What the fuck is that on it's side? A My Little Pony gas cloud? GET IT OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

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Sunday, October 3rd, 2010
12:29 pm
There is a moment where he feels a pang of something. Something he doesn't know because this creeping, punched in the gut, tears starting to form at the end of your eyes because someone knocked you in the nuts feeling is not a thing Big Tobacco has a name for. He's hard pressed to call it sadness. Doesn't know what that means exactly. Some would think him lucky but the truth is Big Tobacco is just a mixed up caricature of emotions and the finer points will always elude him.

Changing plans and destinations so fast Deimos doesn't have time to blink. He drags his driver, his new companion to Las Vegas were they salute Seth in the best way Ben could think of.

They climb to the top of the Stratosphere and piss of the edge of the roof.

"THIS ONE'S FOR YOU BUDDY!"

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Thursday, September 30th, 2010
8:03 pm
[Delivered to Wally]

Thirty cases of lighters in every color of the rainbow and most that aren't.

[end]


DRIVER! We're going to Georgia!

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Thursday, September 9th, 2010
5:09 am
"GRATITUDE? GRATITUDE?! I DON'T NEED NO STINKING GRATITUDE FROM A HUMAN!"

The pizza delivery boy continued to stare long after the door had been slammed in his face. He didn't think he was wrong. Saying thank you for the five hundred dollar tip that would actually get him caught up on his rent seemed like the right thing to do. Instead it had resulted in a ten minute rant from the customer (monkeys, AA meetings, Jesus and taxes were mentioned) that as far as he could tell made absolutely no sense at all.

Oh well. Blinking a few times he shuffled back to his car.

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Sunday, August 29th, 2010
6:36 pm
BLOW ME YOU CRISPY OVERDONE WHORE.

Going to Mecca.

Don't call.

[Delivered to Phobos]

Three aluminum trashcans the Hobo had some difficulty getting past the hotel lobby. Each is full of one dollar bills. Every bill is lightly defaced in some way. Whether it be various mustaches drawn on George Washington or random notes that say things like "BUY THAILAND" "Don't forget to refill the pudding pool" "23953242 is the code to the safe".

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Saturday, August 14th, 2010
11:27 am
[Hand delivered to Phobos by The Hobo]


Ten million dollars in various small and large bills. The Hobo explains that he had to double bag the dough before handing over the trash bag and leaving.

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Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010
6:49 pm
Ten bucks a pack in New York and now plain ole now frills packaging.

It don't matter what you do, fat cats, the truth is you ain't ever gonna stop sucking my dick.

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Wednesday, July 21st, 2010
5:50 pm
It's not unusual for Big Tobacco to be unusually lucid and something close to nice for the first few weeks Al is around. Which of course only serves to put his already neurotic employees further on edge.


[Note left on Monkey's desk]


Well Paid Wage Slave,


No, I did not leave that particular package in your car with three bottles of Jack Daniels. That was Al. Don't forget to thank her.

- Mr. T

P.S.

Make sure you take Whitey for her walkies.

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Monday, July 19th, 2010
9:04 pm
LISTEN HERE YOU DRUNK ASS HE-HAWING TRAILER TRASH HONKY TONK THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND BITCH WHEN YOU WANT TO TAKE A SPIN AND WRAP YOURSELF AROUND A TELEPHONE POLE YOU DON'T TAKE THE MERCEDES.

Women.

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Sunday, July 11th, 2010
3:57 pm
Tobacco use will kill 1 billion people in the 21st century if current smoking trends continue.

Your welcome.

ATF dinner party. Time to get them boys to loosen up.


[Sent to Bry]

Three cartons of Lucky Strike cigarettes and a note.


Baby Doll,

I like it when you're feisty.

- Big T

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Sunday, July 4th, 2010
5:36 pm
AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

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Thursday, June 17th, 2010
8:26 pm
If you can't rely on black market poachers who can you rely on? Next time I write return to sender on the crate and demand my money back.

Are you supposed to feed kids something other then ketchup packets? Nah, didn't think so.

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Thursday, May 27th, 2010
7:53 pm
WHAT THE SHIT IS A BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON. WHO CARES. I NEED TO BUY IT ANYWAY.

HEY! THE WINDOW WASHERS ARE HERE. It's time for target practice already?

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Saturday, May 22nd, 2010
1:18 pm
Letting your two year old light up? Now that's progressive. Stay classy Indonesia and know that the motherfucking T loves you.


Found 55k between the couch cushions. There's gotta be a eugenics charity that I can throw it at. Monkey, you know what to do.

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Friday, May 14th, 2010
7:55 pm
Is it still considered an act of terror if you bought the Anthrax by accident?

That's the last fucking time I use the buy it now option on e-Bay.

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Monday, April 19th, 2010
5:36 pm
Smoking can lead to blindness.

How is that a bad thing? With all the uggos walking around I'd say I'm doing people a favor.

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Monday, April 12th, 2010
7:46 pm
Suck it Trebek.

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Thursday, April 1st, 2010
1:04 am
Hi honey. I'm home.

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Monday, March 22nd, 2010
6:49 pm
[Delivered to the Assistant at her home address]

A suspiciously normal looking package that contains the one heck of a surprise.

I found your long lost twin. No need to thank me.

- The Greatest Boss Ever

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Saturday, March 20th, 2010
5:46 pm
[Handwritten letter to The Hobo]

Dear Hobo,

Times is tough. I only shot three elephants today. We should do lunch when I get back.

- Ben


[Delivered to Bry]

One hideous and expensive watch.

Maybe it was the cost. Maybe it was the leopard print. Maybe because it's shiny and terrifying at the same time. In any case it made me think of you.

- Big T

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