This is my scene-by-scene recap of Twilight Saga's: Eclipse. It's really, really long. I'm ashamed of that. BUT SHIT NEEDS TO BE SAID, OKAY?
Yeah, I'm watching Eclipse online. Judge all you want. Nobody will go pay five bucks to go see it in theatres with me. And really? I'd also rather spend the five bucks on more important things. Like food. Or rent. Or booze. I also kind of feel the need to see it because, in some small measure, I do enjoy the books. Again, judge all you want. They're not great literature. They don't teach very good values to teenage girls. But you know what? They're entertaining as fuck. It's a shame read. The first movie was kind of the same deal. It's not so bad it's good, but it's so bad it's entertaining. The second movie... er. Not so much. The second movie is just kind of ridiculous ass. So I'm hoping Eclipse goes back to guilty pleasure escapist fun instead of wallowing in lame head-bashing stupidity. I'm betting it'll be a bit of both, though.
The first scene? Not bad. Finally it doesn't open with Kristen Stewart's mopey ass face. Instead, it starts with Xavier "Hot-Ass" Samuel getting attacked in a rainy Seattle. He gets bit, he goes down screaming in pain, and the scene is too short. But hey! Action!
Next scene... less action. And I mean "less action" in every way that that can possibly be taken. B&E's Favourite Meadow. It's all about Bella and Edward whining about how she wants to be turned into a vampire and he wants to get married. You know the story. Bella's all set to die at eighteen, but she's too young to get married. Logic, there is none. There's piano playing softly in the background. He sparkles. It's agony.
Swan Home. Hi, Charlie! The whole scene he's basically sucking back a beer. Word. He tries talking sense to his demented daughter about how she should probably learn to have a life outside of the bastard boyfriend who left her stranded in the woods almost a year ago. Because he's talking sense, Bella barely listens. Sorry, Charlie. He tells her she should probably call Jake. Bella does actually decide to go see Jacob. She hops into her truck, which has been rendered useless because her Bastard Boyfriend intentionally fucked it up so she couldn't go see her best friend. And she loves this guy. Logic is still MIA.
The next scene is at high school with the delightful human characters who never get enough screen time. This includes Anna Kendrick, whom I love madly, and some other non-famous actors who are actually very entertaining. Miss Kendrick is the valedictorian (which is odd considering in the books that Jessica was supposed to be stupid--wouldn't Angela have been a better option?) and they are all chatting about her speech. They're joined by Alice and her flat ass hair and Jasper and his wig which is EVEN MORE OUT OF CONTROL and talk about a party until Edward brings the mood down as usual and Alice flips out and it's all super awkward and GOD CAN THEY JUST NEVER BE FUN?
Forks Police Department of Continued Fail. Apparently Alice was wigging out because she "saw" something and Edward knows what she "saw" and according to Bella he looked "worried." I cannot stress enough how much the expression of concern did not cross his face. Anyway, Seattle is being plagued by shady disappearances which could ultimately summon the Volturi to America, which would thereby lead them straight through Forks, which poses a problem since they demanded Bella to be vampified by now. Edward says not to sweat, the Cullen's are totally on top of it. Charlie comes out, stink eyes at Edward until he declares it's time to leave, but then Edward suddenly remembers his parents bought Bella a round trip flight to go visit her mom in Florida and pushes it hard that she should go THIS WEEKEND. IT'S SUPER IMPORTANT, GUYS. Charlie's all incredulous like, "um, that's pretty fucking nice of your boyfriends parents," and Edward's like, "totally, but we should go this weekend, because they actually bought two tickets. So we're both going. To Florida. Alone. HUZZAH!" and splits. Charlie literally says, "Super. That makes me really happy." I love him and his moustache.
In Florida, Bella and her mom are soaking up the sun. There's a bunch of really blatant bullshit about how Bella's going to miss the sun in Alaska (because she's supposedly going to college there). But lo! We know it's actually because she'll be a corpse incapable of soaking up the rays in a conventional manner. Instead, she'll just sparkle. Her mom also very astutely notes that Edward is fucking intense and that Bella is weird around him and that it's kind of creepy. Her mom sweetly thinks it's all about young love, but then says that she hopes Bella is making the right CHOICES because she's the one that's going to have to LIVE with them. Long story short, Bella's mom made her a quilt out of old t-shirts. The scene is cute minus the giant anvils they keep trying to drop on our heads. And, you know, minus the fact that this is Bella saying goodbye to her mom forever because she's planning on dying directly after graduation. My god, the horror.
Forks. Bryce Dallas Howard, the new Victoria, makes a mockery of the Cullen's by jumping back and forth between werewolf turf and vampire turf. Emmett gets pwnt by a wolf when he tries to catch her in wolf turf. At least he's not wearing a velour track suit. Victoria gets away.
When Edward and Bella return to school, Bella notes it was hard to say goodbye to her mom (since it's goodbye forever, you see, because she's a moron), and Edward corrects her and says it doesn't HAVE to be goodbye. She wonders if he took her there to get her to change her mind. Better question? Why didn’t it WORK?
Rock music starts playing and Jacob spins around in the crowd, looking stellar. Hi, Jake! Him and Edward have their first of many pissing contests and Jacob basically calls Edward out for bailing out of town because of the appearance of Victoria. So it really wasn't all about letting Bella see her mom. It was more of Edward's control freak issues. Bella calls Edward a liar (which he is) for not telling her about Victoria, and then gets pissy with Jacob for not returning her phone calls. Priorities, bitch. Jacob, awesome, just looks her up and down and replies, "I had nothing to say." Oh, if that were only true. Bella gets on his bike and they go speeding away.
Shirtless Werewolf Emporium. Wolves are hanging around and are jovial as usual. How is it possible that anyone would rather hang out with the surly Cullen's than these guys who are a) always shirtless and b) always having a good time? Fucking mopey teenagers. There's some banter about how much Bella is a cock tease. And then Leah (!) emerges and snits that Bella can GTFO now, thanks, before she walks off. The only thing that would have made that better was if Leah had given her the finger. Me, Leah and Rosalie need to hang, STAT.
Where to begin with this next scene? I can't even.. wow. If I could skip it, I would. Basically Jacob reminds us all about werewolf telepathy, which means the entire pack hears each others thoughts. That means they get to hear all about Leah's internal monologue, and she's justly pissed off about her ex boyfriend Sam (who's the pack alpha) shacking up with her cousin Emily. Jacob has the AUDACITY to whine about listening to a girl bitch about a love triangle.
I KNOW. I don't say this often, but: Shut UP, Jake.
Then he tells us all about imprinting. I don't want to get into it. I really, really don't. But for the sake of what I'm doing, let's just say: imprinting is like a werewolf recognizing its soul mate. Sam imprinted on Emily. Jacob hasn't imprinted on anyone, not even Bella. The end. Jacob then totally puts his foot in his mouth after Bella declares she's going to be vampified post graduation when he says he'd rather her be dead then one of "them." She gets all dramatic, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT TO ME! EDWARD WAS RIGHT, I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME!" And bolts.
I hope the rest of the pack is ready to listen to some more romantic triangle bullshit. At least they'll get a break from Leah's?
Someone is sneaking into Bella's house at night. I hope its Hot-Ass. None of the Cullen's knows who it is, Alice is useless, Edward is whining, Rosalie pitches a spaz, and the werewolves are in to help: but not before Bella declares herself "Switzerland" in the Jacob/Edward feud. Shut UP, Bella.
Best Edward line thus far? Re: Jacob, "Doesn't he own a shirt?" Let's hope not, Mr. Cullen. Eddie then macks on Bella in front of the shirtless Jacob before they part so he can go on a hunting trip. Bella approaches Jacob. "Hello, beautiful!" They hug. Gag me.
Bomb fire of Back story. We get introduced to Seth Clearwater, Leah's epically adorable little brother, and then it's right into the Tall Tale section of tonight's programming. So, way back when, Vampire A came to the village and killed a bunch of Native folk. Dudes got pissed, turned into wolves and pwnt his ass. Vampire B, his lady friend, strapped her bitch on and tore the village a new one (like Victoria! i c what u did thar!) and the village elder got HIS wolf on, his wife killed herself to distract Vampire B so that her hubby could pull some wolf fu and get her dead. "She saved the tribe." By stabbing herself. I HATE THIS MOVIE.
Vampire Warehouse INC. Hot-Ass Samuel smarms over some, like, thirteen-year-old newborn vampire (amidst all the other bodies writhing in pain as they get turned into vampires)--because obviously when you're creating an army a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL is your BEST option. Hot-Ass: "Try not to get killed, will you? I need numbers." My point still stands, Hot-Ass. Get addressing my important issues.
The Cullen boys watch the TV report of Plot Point. Seattle is in panic! So am I! Who designed these horrendous wigs? Can't we do something about that before we get to the missing persons and murders? Jasper and his awful wig sagely inform us and Bella that it must be newborns, because that's when vampires are the most ravenous, chaotic and insane with thirst. Um, duh. Emmett creepily, and hilariously, says to Bella, "Something to look forward to." There's more talk about who could possibly be behind this, and their best guess is the Volturi. Edward finds this a great opportunity to tell everyone that Aro, HBIC, wants Edward and Alice to join him but that he knows they never will as long as the family is alive. Nobody seems really surprised or worried.
Hot-Ass is actually Riley Biers, and he's apparently sixteen, according to his missing persons flyer. Awkward. Thank god Xavier Samuel is actually, like, in his late twenties. Charlie is poured over it. He says Hot-Asses parents are really worried and have been looking for him for a year. Bella, dumb, self-centered, horrible person that she is says they should give up. She actually. Says that. Charlie doesn't back hand her like he should and says, "I wouldn't. If it were you." Lord only knows why.
Bella's Bedroom of Teenage Angst. She and Edward lie in bed. He tries to tell her she's a moron without saying it. He says, "You'll always be my Bella." They kiss. She sleeps. The end.
Rocky Mountains of Unrequited Love. Jacob and Bella take a walk. Jacob finally spills his guts, admits he's in love, and makes about twenty billion accurate points about how he's a better choice for her than Edward. He also makes a point to tell her that she OBVIOUSLY feels something for him too (even though she denies it). He also makes a pretty keen observation: that she's rushing into being vampified because she's worried she'll change her mind. Interesting point, too bad we'll never hear about it again. It would be very sweet if the dialogue was written better. It wouldn't have taken much too actually do a re-write on this scene, guys! It would also be a lot better if Kristen Stewart wasn't totally phoning it, while Taylor Lautner, bless his heart, does his best to be really, really earnest. Then he kisses her, she shoves him away--cue the Team Edward screaming OMG RAPE--and then she punches him. Because he's built like a brick wall, she practically breaks her hand. She whines and winces. It's hilarious.
Swan Home. Edward rolls up in his Volvo and pushes Jacob and actually says the line, "Don't you ever touch her against her will again!" I've said it before and I'll say it again: I hate this movie. Charlie comes out to get the boys to break it up before it can turn into a Vampire/Wolf smackdown. Jacob gets hilarious, "I kissed Bella. And then she broke her hand. Punching my face. Total misunderstanding." I can't make this shit up, guys. Charlie doesn't get a chance to respond, but I'm sure it was awesome.
Cullen Manor. Dr. Cullen wraps up Bella's hand. There's banter with Emmett about how she's a badass for punching a werewolf in the face. This hurts me more then it hurts you: Shut up, Emmett. "You'll be a tough little newborn!" He says. Bella, practically flirting replies, "Tough enough to take you on." Ugh. Rosalie shares my feelings on the matter, and she all but throws a newspaper covered with faces of the good missing folk of Seattle at Bella's face before storming her ass out. Word, Rosalie.
Balcony of back story. Bella takes an opportunity to go chat with her sister-to-be. "I don't hate you, Bella," Rosalie explains. "I don't particularly like you, though." Awesome. "None of us had a choice, you do, and you're choosing wrong!" Why don't these movies have more Rosalie? She's... smart? Ish? Although she doesn't have much competition, so. "I don't care how miserable your human life is." God, I love her. Bella says her human life ISN'T miserable. Not perfect, but nobody's is. Now it's Rosalie's back story time!
And this... it kills me, guys. Because it's the first reminder that all of the members of the Cullen family (sans Edward, sorry dude) actually have really interesting back stories. They're all kind of heart-breaking. Rosalie, in particular, was gang-raped by her fiancée and his drunken buddies and almost beat to death. Yeah. Go ahead, Bella. COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR LIFE SOME MORE. Anyway. Carlisle found Rosalie bleeding to death and thought he was doing her a favour by turning her into a vampire. So she'd get to live with the pain of how she died for the rest of eternity. THANKS, CARLISLE. Rosalie then put on her wedding dress and killed every single one of those dudes, her fiancé saved for last, all Kill Bill style in a wedding dress. As she recants the tale to Bella she has a smile on her face. "I was a little theatrical back then." Wicked. Rosalie says things got better after she found Emmett--but she always wishes that she could grow old, move forward in time, and be grey-haired sitting next to Emmett on a front porch surrounded by fat grandchildren. Rosalie's wrong. She's still pretty theatrical. Bella says she knows that's what Rosalie wants, but that she'll never want anything more than Edward. Rosalie says wrong, bitch, soon you're going to be willing to kill for blood.
Renegade streets of Seattle. Hot-Ass Samuel loses his shit on newborns for "not keeping a low profile." He tells them that something bigger is coming and that if they don't smarten the fuck up, they'll all be dead. He gets a little winded by his own speech and looks kind of sad as he says, "What's done is done... just... clean up after yourselves." Screams of a woman are heard as the vamps go back to feeding. Guys, Xavier Samuel is way too good for this mess.
Up above.... Renegade streets of Seattle? Dakota Fanning and her entourage of Volturi vamps are standing around waxing about whether or not to let Hot-Asses's army do what they're supposed to. Then they... leave? I guess they came down pro-newborn army of destruction? Okay.
High school graduation. The Lovely Anna Kendrick gets to make her speech and it's cute and sweet and nostalgic but horrible at the same time because it's all about choices and making mistakes and giant anvils falling on our heads because WE GET IT, ALREADY, BELLA'S GOT CHOICES TO MAKE, LEAVE ME ALONE.
Party at the Cullen Manor. Jacob shows up, apologizes for invading Bella's personal space and gives her a grad gift. Alice descends the stairs and has a vision of Hot-Ass giving his vamps a piece of clothing to smell. Heh. There's a perv joke somewhere in there that I'm not going to touch. Alice, the REALLY theatrical one says, "The decision’s been made. They're coming HERE!" Shut UP, Alice.
Cullen/Wolf Pack Meeting. Party is still raging in the background. Nobody understands why the hell Hot-Ass is coming after Bella. But he is, so shit is gonna go DOWN. Jake says that they can form an alliance in order to protect Bella and other people in the town that would likely be collateral damage. Bella will not STOP TALKING and goes on and on about how Jacob doesn't know what he's getting himself into. "You'll get hurt!" He's like, "Uh, Bella, this is kind of what we do. P.S. Didn't you want us to get along? Shut UP, Bella." I'm so glad someone else is saying it.
Training time! Jasper is the only one with knowledge of how to pwn some newborns, so he’ll be running the How to Kill Newborn Vampires Seminar. Jasper and his wig finally get more than two lines of dialogue! Jackson Rathbone is actually kind of good, and Jasper and his back story are actually wicked cool, which makes it a shame he usually gets to do NOTHING. Basically the problem is this: vampires are strongest in their first few months which make them especially effective.
Training montage! Jasper kicks Emmett's ass. Edward thinks he kicks Carlisle's ass, but Carlisle is way older, way smarter and way too cool to be owned by Robert Pattinson. The best fight, hands down, goes to Alice and Jasper, because it's kind of hot (they're married, shut up), and she can "see" his moves before he makes them. They kiss. Aww.
Jasper back story time! Bella gets curious as to how she can help. Jasper, patient bastard that he is, doesn't say, "Suck it, Bella, this is all your fault, so stay out of the way," like he should. Instead he tells her that her scent will drive the newborns crazy and will distract them. Then he goes onto explain that he fought in the civil war, was the youngest Major from Texas. He was flyin' high. Then he met Maria. A sexy female vamp that was making her own vamp army, which was apparently common in the south (um, kay). Jasper was the one that trained them. However, Maria never let them live past a year, and it was always Jasper's job to kill them. And since he was totally pussy whipped, he did just that. He gets a little mopey and Alice arrives and works her sparkly magic on him like she did when they first met. They kiss. It's really cute.
Shut up, guys. I'm not made of stone.
That night Bella has a dream that makes her realize that Victoria is pulling the strings with the newborn army. Like, duh.
I'm not going to lie. I don't think I was paying enough attention. This entire scene Jacob is carrying Bella up a mountain. I… don’t understand. They’re trying to figure out if wolf covers up dumb human twat stench, I guess. On the way he mentions that he was supposed to be the pack alpha, not Sam, but since he didn't even want to be in the pack to begin with, he sure as shit didn't want to lead it. "Wow," Bella says. She sounds so impressed guys, it's crazy. He tells her again that he knows she feels something for him. "I can sense it. Physically." Woah. Go, Jake! Of course the mention of sex in a Twilight movie is forbidden, which is another reason that Jacob will never win BECAUSE THIS SERIES FAILS.
Swan Home. Alice and Charlie leave the house, giggling like little school girls. Alice tells Bella her alibi is covered for the battle: Alice and Bella will be having a sleepover. Truthfully, though, the whole Cullen family is going hunting tonight, so Bella and Edward have the house to themselves. I laugh hysterically because Alice, who "sees" things, actually thinks this will go somewhere. When Charlie and Bella are alone, they have an awkward conversation about marriage and sex. Bella admits she’s a virgin and bolts the fuck out of the kitchen. When Bella's gone, Charlie says: "Virgin! ... Well, I'm liking Edward a little bit more, now." Ha!
Oh my god. The next scene. It’s as bad as when Jacob admitted he loved her. IT'S WORSE. Edward got a bed so that Bella could sleep. You know where this is going. Bella agrees to get married before Edward turns her, so long as she can make a condition of her own. Edward, dumb bastard that he is, agrees, and Bella starts making out with him. He's like NO PRE-MARITAL SEX and she's like, "I want to experience this while I'm still ME! Before all I think about is bloodlust!" I hate her so much. She is the most nonsensical character ever created. He looks severely grossed out by this and says it's too dangerous. Bella's line? "I'll go to college and I'll let you buy me a car, just try!" SHE ACTUALLY SAYS THAT. FUCK. THESE. TWO. So they start making out really heavy, and it's kind of hot, but then Edward says, "Stop trying to take your clothes off," and I just... laugh. Like, cannot stop laughing.
Can I please leave this scene and go chill with Xavier “Hot-Ass” Samuel? I bet HE has no problems taking his clothes off. One can only hope.
But no, I'm still stuck in this suck fest. They stop making out. She thinks he doesn't want her. Ugh. Edward: "Believe me. I WANT TO. I just want to be married first." I... cannot compute. A guy who's been a virgin for over 100 years? WhatEVER. She says that she's being made to feel like a villain who's trying to "steal his virtue." I swear: I CAN'T make this stuff up. But of course it's the women that has to feel like a wanton ho for being ready and excited about the prospect of having sex with someone she love. God forbid a teenage girl be ready and willing and happy to have sex. Did I say it before? I HATE THIS MOVIE.
He gives her an engagement ring that belongs to his mom and then he properly proposes. Ugh. Have I told you she's eighteen-years-old? The music swells. They embrace. I die inside.
Renegade Streets of Seattle. THERE IS A GOD. Hot-Ass and Victoria are chilling under the Space Needle. Basically: Victoria has tricked Hot-Ass into thinking she's a total wimp that's scared shitless of the Cullen's because they killed her friend Laurent. When really she's just a spiteful, spiteful bitch that wants to kill them because they killed her mate James. And who can blame her? Have you seen Cam Gigandet shirtless? I'd be pissed off, too. Anyway, she's got Hot-Ass totally pussy whipped and it's great. Once again: the vagina is the enemy.
Bella leaves some blood in the woods for a trail. Jacob arrives shirtless. She's not wearing her ring. He whisks her away!
Hot-Ass and the Cadets happen upon a lake. They look stumped.
But lo! There they emerge on the other side. Hot-Ass is wet. This movie got a bit better. There's also a lot of weird close-up shots of the thirteen-year-old he turned. She looks... non-excited.
Rocky Mountains. Edward has pitched a tent and is waiting for Jacob to arrive with his lady love. Jacob announces he's staying too. Heh.
Night time on Rocky Mountains. Bella is mother fucking cold, y'all. Edward can't do shit to help. Jacob pops in and Edward's like, "OH NO YOU DON'T." Jacob: "I am hotter than you." OH MY GOD. I THREW UP IN MY MOUTH. Edward relents and Jacob scoops Bella up and they cuddle. "Relax. You'll warm up soon. Faster if you take your clothes off." My jaw is on the floor. Who knew he had it in him? Bella relaxes and falls asleep--with her clothes on--while Edward glares.
So while Bella is sleeping, Edward and Jake have a talk about how much they love her. It's... not terrible, but I just can't understand why either of these guys loves this chick so much, so I'm skipping it.
Rocky Mountains after snow has fallen? Edward knows Jacob is listening so he gets Bella talking about how they're getting married. Jacob is not too pleased. He starts strutting off and Bella goes to go after him and Edward grabs her arm. Bella, showing her first iota of backbone ever, actually yells at Edward to let her go. Fucking finally, you dumb bitch. She goes after Jacob and he tells her he's DONE, ok? SRSLY THIS TIME. But then she's like, JAKE, KISS ME, and then the camera spins around them as they make out mountain top. Ugh. Can we go back to the vampire army now? Please? No? Fine. Jacob says he has to go join the fight, but that he'll be back, which leaves Bella alone on the mountain with Edward. Awkward.
The battle scene! FINALLY! It's actually... kind of badass, guys. Not going to lie. It’s no Lord of the Rings, but for this movie, it’s pretty epic. Cullen's and wolves kick ass all over the place. Especially Jasper. Emmett and a wolf bond. Carlisle and Esme corner the thirteen-year-old and ~notice something.~
Snowy Mountain. Edward can hear Victoria. She's close! Seth!wolf goes to kick some ass. But Hot-Ass and Victoria appear. Edward tries to tell Hot-Ass what's what: Victoria only made him because she wants to avenge James. "She's using you. Think about it. You're from Forks. You know the area. That's the only reason she turned you." That and he's smokin' hot. He starts to look like he's questioning things, but Victoria--who looks beautiful throughout this scene despite her foul wig, by the way--is pretty convincing with her doe-eyes. And she has the almighty power of the vagina on her side. Hot-Ass remains a loyal lapdog.
He's about to attack when Seth!wolf comes and BITES HIS HAND OFF. Victoria tries to scamper away, but Edward reminds her she won't get this chance again. He baits her by talking about how he killed James (WHICH HE DIDN'T, BY THE WAY) until Victoria whips into a fury and snarl-attacks him.
There's fighting, and finally, Hot-Ass and Victoria are about to rip Edward's head off (OH MY GOD, DO IT. GO, BAD GUYS!) but Bella cuts her arm and draws a whole lot of blood! Like the story about the native woman who stabbed herself to save her tribe! Wait, why couldn't Bella stab herself? Why is any of this important? Shut UP, Eclipse.
This distracts the vamps long enough for Seth!Wolf to come out of the woodworks and drag Hot-Ass off while he screams "Victoria!" She looks at him with disdain and does not go to his aid. I am very, very sad. Then Edward kills Victoria. Boo.
Battlefield. Dakota Fanning and her entourage are approaching. One last newborn vamp is chilling about, so Leah!wolf takes him on, nearly gets killed, so Jacob!wolf takes him on and gets a few bones shattered. The wolves all go back to human form and Leah, who is fabulous, runs up all, "JACOB, YOU IDIOT, I HAD HIM." To her credit, she looks pretty upset that he's so hurt. The wolves all get together and carry him away. Alice, helpful as ever announces, "They're coming!"
Let's keep this short. The Volturi suck. They see that the Cullen's spared one newborn, the thirteen-year-old, because she surrendered. Dakota Fanning and her eyeliner cause the girl (who IMDB says is 'Bree') IMMENSE MENTAL PAIN, and woah, this chick is a better actress then you’d think. It’s kind of unsettling. They torture her and declare that she's gotta die. Carlisle and Esme try to bargain. No avail. Colossus from X-Men walks over to Bree. She's sobbing. He picks her up and she screams before he kills her. It's the most chilling thing in this entire movie. Fuck, it’s the most chilling thing in the entire series. Bravo, child actress. Bravo. Another example of how this movie hates it's most interesting characters.
Shirtless Werewolf Emporium. Jacob is in pain, and LEAH COULD HAVE HANDLED IT, OKAY? Paul is like, STFU, LEAH, YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WITH BROKEN BONES. Bella goes in to tell Jacob that she loves him but she's still picking Edward, for some reason, and Jake is reduced to saying god-awful lines like, "being with me would be as easy as breathing." Oh, Jake. You deserve so much better than this shit. Bella leaves.
B&E's Favourite Field. She tells Edward she's picked him because she's never felt normal. Um, okay. "I've had to face death, loss and pain in your world, but I've never felt stronger." Ugh. Right, Bella. You are a well-developed and strong character. Can we please go back to Rosalie and Jasper and Bree or even goddamn fucking Riley for what it ACTUALLY means to face loss? Stupid, stupid girl! They decide to go tell Charlie' they're engaged. Bella: "Good thing you're bulletproof." Word. He puts a really big, fugly ring on her. They hug.