I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue ( Sam one-shot ) Dean had groaned for another half hour before tossing over and drifting back off to sleep, but Sam decided to go ahead and get up. After getting dressed, he silently slipped out the door. Once outside, he stopped in front of Bobby's room and knocked briskly before being let in. Fortunately, Sam wasn't the only one early to rise around here. Not today, anyway, for which he was grateful. There was something he wanted to discuss, and it couldn't wait. Not as far as he was concerned. In all actuality, it wasn't an extremely pressing matter; it was more like unfinished business. But he felt it'd been ignored long enough. He was hoping Bobby would agree.
"Don't you ever sleep?"
Sam scoffed. Of course he slept - just not as much as he used to. Besides, what did it matter? "Just got a lot on my mind."
"This outta be good. Like what?"
Well, since he asked ... "The Crossroads demon, it got away. I was wondering if there was any way we could track it." Brows furrowed when what he said got taken out of context. Bobby wasn't getting it. He didn't want to find a Crossroads demon. He wanted to find the Crossroads demon. "No, not a different one. The same one." That was the most important part. This was about revenge, not making a deal. And maybe at the same time he could get some of the dreaded answers he'd been so desperately seeking from his brother, but to no avail. It'd be sort of like killing two birds with one stone.
Sam shook his head when it looked like Bobby was about to lay into him for even thinking about hunting in the shape they were in. They still had at least another week of recuperation before they'd be well enough to safely return to work ( as much of an oxymoron as that was ). "Look, I'm not saying we have to jump right out there the second we get a lead. I just want to know if it's possible." It was, right? Anything could leave a trail. The problem being that it wasn't always so easy to find. For example, look at how long it'd taken them to find the Yellow-Eyed Demon. In a way, it'd been more like he found them. Not exactly inspiring, but he was supposed to be some big-shot in the demon world. This demon Sam wanted to get a hold of now, she was small time. From the way Ruby talked about her, she didn't have many allies that would cover for her, or God forbid even protect her. So it couldn't be that hard.
"It's important to me, alright? I just ... I need you to trust me enough to help me find it." If Bobby refused, there was always Ruby. She'd known how to locate the demon before. The two had a past. Maybe she'd be able to find it again. That was the plan of last resort. He wasn't overly anxious to drag Ruby back into the mix, mostly because Dean wouldn't like it. And right now he was trying to sit back and give his brother however much time and space he needed to deal. But he was going stir crazy just sitting back and doing nothing. If he couldn't resolve the problem that was constantly staring him in the face, then he would find something else - and he had. It was a legitimate concern and an honest job that would have to be dealt with eventually. He was just getting a jump-start on it.
Obsession would be the best word to describe what this had become. Anyone who had been around him long enough knew there was always something. Whether it be the obsession to be normal or to find the demon that'd killed Mom and Jess, he always had to grasp on to some on-going desire or dangerously pursue some emotion that had seemingly taken him over, and it was usually hate. For himself, or for something evil that had destroyed, or just attempted to hurt someone he cared about. The lines that divided it all had become blurred once again. He couldn't see past Dean's pain and fear. Maybe it was because he wasn't used to it, or maybe it was because he felt responsible. Either way, it didn't change his compulsion to find this 'Em,' and see her pay.
It wouldn't fix what was happening; it was just something Sam needed to do. But how to put that into words ... He couldn't. He couldn't rationally explain it to Bobby, and the guy wasn't the most compliant person when he thought an idea was bad. How to make him understand?
"I'm going to do this with or without your help." That probably wasn't the best way to win the other's cooperation, but at least it got him quiet. "I was right there when he died. I held him in my arms as he took his last breath. Don't you ask me to let it go." Sam's chest rose and fell heavily as the corners of his mouth dipped down into a frown. Yes, he was still stuck on that. He was still traumatized, so he was hoping he would get cut some slack. "You didn't see her standing over his body sneering because she'd won, and you didn't hear the things she said. I did." - It wasn't my fault that he was just a lousy person in the end. - He would never be able to erase that memory from his mind, and it was still all recent enough that he felt the same way he did then. That's why he'd become consumed by this. All the silence, all the holding back ... it might've been right for Dean, but it only made things worse for Sam. And that was fine. It was as it should be.
Just like that, his entire demeanor changed. It went from anger to desperation, all in a matter of seconds. "I have to find this demon. It's never going to be over until I do. I just need to find it and kill it, so this all can end. Please, Bobby. Please. I could really use your help." Pleading eyes locked with his elder's, before with a defeated and exasperated sigh, he agreed to see what he could scrounge up. Sam almost smiled. That is, until Dean got mentioned.
"You can't tell Dean." He could tell Bobby wasn't fond of all the secrets and lies, so he tried to explain why it was better that they not mention this. "It could be a dead end. For now, it's just a bunch of research and asking around. He wouldn't be interested, anyway. And it's not like I'm going anywhere. If we do find it, I'll have to tell him. But until then, it's just going to bring up a lot of bad memories, and right now the only thing he needs to focus on is getting better - not worrying about this. Who knows? Maybe we'll even have a job waiting for him when he does." Dean would love that. He could throw himself right back into the middle of it all like nothing had ever happened - not that Sam was being one hundred percent honest. He wasn't going to go taking off into the night; he wasn't about to leave his brother behind, but this was something he needed to do on his own. However, he'd worry about what to tell everyone else once they got a few steps closer.
Bobby begrudgingly agreed, but he made it clear that if he even suspected Sam was about to run off and do anything stupid, he'd tell Dean the whole story. Fair enough. "Sounds like a plan." That's basically all he'd wanted, so after agreeing to meet up for breakfast later ( and actually show up this time ), he returned to his room.
What he'd conveniently left out of that entire explanation was what he wished to accomplish before he pulled the trigger and blew her away. He had a feeling it'd get ready to bolt the second it saw him, afraid he was there to seek vengeance. No denying that; he would be. But something else it'd said ... If you ask me, he's exactly where he belongs - being cut open and molested by a thousand angry- Had she been telling the truth? At the time, he'd shrugged it off as just another demon saying whatever it could to inflict pain on the individual that was the center of attention. Now he wasn't so sure. Seeing Dean react the way he did, even if he wasn't aware of it once he opened his eyes ... it was hard not to wonder if it was true.
This demon, as much as he wanted to destroy it, could give him the answers he was looking for. It was a dangerous pattern. Yellow-Eyes had shed some light on a few things too. The worst part about it was that he wasn't always wrong. And this Crossroads demon, there was a possibility she'd lie. But if he made a proposition: the truth about what happened to his brother in exchange for her life, maybe she'd tell him what he needed to hear. Then he'd kill her.
Humans could change their minds just as easily, and she didn't deserve to be let off the hook.
As for Dean, Sam had stopped trying to get him to remember or recite what he could recall about what'd happened. He'd moved on to plan B. If it was that terrible, maybe it shouldn't be discussed. Not in front of the one who'd suffered through it in the first place.