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asher orion royce (_asher) wrote,

She was sadly mistaken if she honestly thought that her fate was forever sealed as the little girl from his neighborhood. Her past was, yes. But her future? In the back of his mind, that little girl in the pigtails who was always trying to seem older than she was .. that would always be Jilli. But was it impossible for him to ever see her as something else? No. Not entirely. The more he got to know her now, the more that image changed. He'd never forget the girl she once was, but he was enjoying seeing the woman she had become. While that might make it seem as though he was constantly thinking of her as just that little girl .. it wasn't decidedly true. Time. Time was all he really needed to change his opinion on her. He really did like Jillian and enjoyed talking to her. As far as like liking her went? Well, that was unclear right now .. those thoughts and feelings had never crossed his mind before. Which .. really wasn't her fault. There wasn't much of anything she could do to change that.

Asher was Asher. If it hadn't been her age or who she was, he would have come up with some other reason as to why they couldn't be together. He was constantly making excuses, constantly pushing women out of his life. Why? Because he'd never fully learned to let go of his wife. He'd never fully been able to say goodbye to her, to move on. His friends had made countless attempts to set him up on dates with women and .. sometimes he would go, but most of the time he would say that he already had plans. Some part of him thought that if he really agreed to go out on a date with these women, if he really tried to move on with his life, that he would somehow be disrespecting the memory of Jessica. He didn't want to do that. She had meant the world to him. She had been his best friend, his wife, the mother of his child. They had shared a million things together and for most of his younger life, she had always been there. Much like Jillian had always been there, but in an entirely different circumstance.

The fact that he was even willing to go on this date, that he was willing to step outside of his box .. that said a lot. Jilli had inspired him to create his own bucket list and two of the things he had wanted to do surrounded his ex-wife. Number one .. learn to say goodbye. Number two .. allow himself to fall in love again. He couldn't do the one without first doing the other. And he really was trying here.

In all honesty, Jilli's age didn't really bother him. Hell, even the fact that he'd changed her diapers when she was younger didn't bother him. She wasn't that little kid anymore and he knew that. He was just using it as an excuse and he needed to stop doing that. While she was inside the house, cursing herself for acting like a 'stupid face,' he was outside rehearsing an apology that would probably never get said. He wanted to tell her he was sorry for making the age thing a big deal when it really wasn't. He wanted to tell her he was glad that she'd agreed to come out with him even though she probably thought he was a giant asshole. He wanted to tell her that she made him smile, a feat that wasn't to be disregarded as only a few people had the knack of doing so. And he wanted to thank her for being as young as she was, for being the free spirit that she was, for making him remember what it was like before everything got so serious. But he'd probably never say any of it.