Dorcas Meadowes is still alive (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} _dorcas_) wrote,@ 2012-08-11 10:30:00 |
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I can't believe I've been in the apartment for a few weeks already. I've decorated and cleaned and cooked and really feel like I've finally accomplished... something in my life. This is so different than when I was in Russia. When I was there, I never really had a home that was 'mine,' it was always someone else's, and no matter how long I stayed, it always felt temporary.
Now that I feel like I finally have a home, though, I feel like I need to move on and accomplish the next 'big' thing in life. I need a career. I can't work at this damn Muggle Pub forever. I only meant for that to be a temporary thing when I moved back, and I just haven't been able to drag myself out of the rut I've been in to find it. Trouble is, I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm 38, I feel like this decision should have been made by now.
Private
Frank and Alice have three beautiful children. They've been together this entire time building a life together. Neville graduated.
Sirius and Remus are married now. Or however that works. But they've been together for how long? They've built a solid, stable life together. I still think about how things could've ended up if Remus and I had ever seen each other that way at the same time. The last time I saw him, my heart still pounded. I know he's happier with Sirius than he would've ever been with me, but I'm still crushed that I never got that chance.
James and Lily, too. Celebrating how many years of marriage now? And Lily with child. How long have they had their place in Godric's Hollow? Pretty much since we graduated. When the war started, I always thought I'd eventually find someone and settle down after things blew over... That one day I would have a marriage like theirs.
Even Regulus has someone now. He won't even speak to me anymore, and we were best friends once.
The only reason Dedalus left this apartment is because he got married. The more I think about it, the more I feel like a failure. The only other person from our time at Hogwarts that hasn't found someone is Peter Pettigrew, and there's really no surprise there. I try not to be a petty person, but I can't help feeling like a failure when I compare myself to Peter Pettigrew.
I can't even convince someone to go on a date with me. I could probably buy the food, and strip down naked in a candle-lit room and no one would want to touch me. I just... how did I get to be so undesirable? Yeah, I was never that pretty girl in school, but I'm 38 now. I guess I just thought my life would have gone somewhere by now.
/
Private to Edmund Proudfoot
I think I'm ready for the certification.
/
Private to Mulciber
Can we
You're an ass
I can't stop thinking about what you told me.
I want to believe that you were just messing with me, like you are 99% of the time, but I can't
Fuck
Let's talk
Drinks. I'm buying.