Reflection of my soul - I'll never be the same This is one of those times when I really wish that I made friends outside of my line of work a lot easier than I do. And I mean actual friends like the kind I had back in school who I thought I could tell everything to. Except even then I couldn't because they didn't know I came from a family of vampire hunters and why should they? So long as people like us did out job and kept their numbers down they were plenty safe. That's what I was told all the time by my parents and that's exactly what I believed. Why wouldn't I? It was true. Until the Light of May - and no, I've never going to stop thinking that's the most idiotic thing that's ever been done - who else was going to do anything about them? Vampires themselves? Yeah right
But if I had a friend who didn't have the same views on vampires that I do then I'd be needing them now. Except I don't have those friends because those aren't the sort of people I like. I've always believed that vampires look at people like they're their next meal and... you know what? Having the senses of a vampire isn't helping all that much with that. I don't think that I should be allowed around regular people because the smell that they give off is just too good. It makes my stomach growl and if I could then I'm pretty sure I'd salivate. Even if I've just fed! No, it's easier then, but the desire to do it is still there and I... I think it's one hundred times worse than when I wanted to shoot a silver bullet through the middle of every vampire I've ever met's head. Because it's not so much of a thing that I want to do because I was brought up to do it as a thing that I have to do. If I don't have the blood I'll die and I know that. No one had to teach me that this is something I need. My body figured it out all on its own. That's a really good reason to not go back to work for awhile. "Sorry boss, I just don't want to be around everyone in case I get a craving... oh and I have fangs."
People shouldn't have to know what it's like to hug their little sister and feel her heartbeat, hear the blood rushing and know that all it'd take was a little cut with the fangs just right there and you'd have that taste. Her blood is practically the same as mine and... I can't. I know that I won't ever hurt Kris, but that doesn't stop the thought from being there that yes I am capable of it. Not that I'll really have to worry about it if she keeps on with pulling away and not wanting to touch me. I wouldn't blame her. Tell a girl what happened to your family and that you're a vampire hunter and doesn't it figure that you end up as one?
It never should have happened. Eloisa was different that the other vampires I've come across and she had me, I was going to die and I'd actually accepted that. I wasn't supposed to open my eyes again without a pulse. Nikita wasn't supposed to be there to change me. Nikita wasn't supposed to be there at all. Nikita shouldn't be anywhere near me unless she's trying to put a bullet through me. Yeah, that's the thing - even with that insane, probably drunken, conversation we'd had she was supposed to just want me dead. Nothing else. Then she saves me. Well, I think it's more like damning me in the best way ever, but she honestly thinks she's done something good. For Kristen. She says it's all for Kristen, but when Eloisa mimicked her... shouldn't trust anything a vampire with red eyes who killed me says, but I do. Her and Valya weren't lying and I just know that beyond any doubt. They were telling the truth as much as Jadyn was when she-
Jadyn doesn't want to see me and I should've expected that. She's terrified of vampires. I promised that I'd keep her safe from them and instead I go and get myself turned. I wonder if she'd believe me if I said I didn't want this either.
I can't even figure out which part of all this I hate the most. Being what I hunted - Maureen killed herself because of this. Could I do that? I think that I could if it wasn't for Kristen. But I can't... a vampire is better for her than a corpse - wanting, having, to drink blood or the fact that I don't want to be alone. I've always been fine with being alone. Hunting alone is something that I got used to after my family died even if there were sometimes others. But if I go out by myself now? Eloisa might find me and drag me somewhere again. Or I might stay out too long until I get so thirsty that I can't help myself. What's to stop me, really? Fear of hunters? I know how they work and think and I'm stronger, faster than them now. I could be a better hunter than any of them if I could just stop getting so distracted by... everything else. The way that things sound and look. I always thought that I had really good senses but now? It's like I was half-deaf before and I can't believe that I ever got the jump on a vampire with that need I have to breathe, or the way my heart thumps in my chest. If I lay very still and focused then I'm sure that I could hear hearts beating in the other rooms.
I should be alone and I would be if I'd just left last night, but I stopped. Admitted that I didn't know what I'd do or where I'd go or how long I'd be gone...
Eloisa and Valya were completely wrong. They believed it, but I think they believe a lot of things that aren't actually true. How could it be? She said it herself. No, she didn't actually say it, she just asked why I'd believe them... but it can't be. Why am I even thinking about it? There are a hundred things more important than whether or not... like pretending to be from a vampire line with a sire who would possibly be sunshine and kisses if she could. Like getting it together so I can work again. Figuring out how to do things with Kristen and wondering how she's getting to sleep at night when she's afraid of the dark... my mind doesn't need to be wondering if it's true and I sure as hell shouldn't be bothered by the idea that it isn't.
Nikita never loved me. Does that bother me? No, those bloodtears are from realizing that Kristen is getting to sleep without me there for her.