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You do know me. I was 100% real with you. Every moment. I never pretended with you. Not about anything I did or I said. I'm going to be absolutely honest with you here and if you still hate me after, well...there won't be anything else I can do. I felt unworthy of you. Not big bad Dani the Dom, but you. The actual person I was getting to know. The one who has the best laugh and is suspicious of compliments. The Dani that reached out to the weird Irish kid when he was on the rocks and healed him. The one that can't wrap presents worth a damn. The one who cares a fucking lot more that he lets on. Or likes. He stands up for those that can't do so for themselves. He fucking despises bullies and those that cause pain to feed their own ego. He took care of Nicky, took care of my family, when it was needed the most. That Dani..my Dani..he knew how to handle me when I told him about being repeatedly raped as a kid, and about the infection from an untreated std that almost took my life. How I was sterile now and could never have children. There was no pity. I think I subconsciously knew he would never make me out to be weak or a victim, so that's why he was the only person I'd ever trusted enough to tell. Truly ever. There's not another soul on this whacked out big blue marble that knows that and there won't be. So, I'm feeling unworthy and had this need to prove to you that I was. I've been thinking a lot about this, and I'm not sure how I got such idiotic ideas in my head, but I did. I thought if I just threw myself out there and was super friendly, and maybe interesting you'd notice, even though you'd already shown me that you thought I was worthy of you. Again, this wasn't you I doubted at all. It was all me. Even writing this is so shameful. I'm humiliated at my actions. I fucked up plain and simple. I was not being myself with everyone else and it all got so confusing and yeah, I said things I shouldn't have. I tried to rectify whatever damage I'd done and apologised to everyone I could think of, but I'd already hurt you. Dani, if you look in my journal, like the older entries, you can see for yourself that I'm not this guy. I mean I know you won't, you're quite private about certain things, but you could ask some of the older snakes and staff. I'm not that guy. I wasn't careless and unaware. I had real mates that I hung out with, but it wasn't sexual. I didn't let compliments fall from my mouth like they didn't mean more than the air used to create them. Am I talking in circles yet? I'm just so scared this is the last time you'll ever talk to me and I'm ill so I can't think straight. The fact is, I did things that hurt you and I am so sorry. If I believed in him, I'd swear to the christian god that you matter to me more than you'll likely ever know. I'd lay my hand on the proverbial stack of bibles and swear. I really would, because it's you that I need to make amends with the most. This next part. And I'm almost done. I know this has turned into a novel. But this next part, I don't have any way of proving it to you. All I have is my word that it's true and I know that's not worth much at the moment. But it's really all I have.