james potter is SUPERBADASSNINJAAWESUM (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} staghearted) wrote, |
Which had only made it harder once Remus and Sirius had patched things up, somehow. Because then he was the only one left being angry about the whole thing. Except Peter, but now he was pretty sure that by then Peter was already plotting against him. He'd probably gotten the idea from Sirius in the first place, to throw his last friend to the wolves. For a while now, it had mostly been James and Lily counting on each other. And James and Remus were still friends, but it wasn't the same. Hadn't been the same since Remus had left Hogwarts, too. Or since Remus and Sirius had patched things up, because then James hadn't known which of them he was more jealous of, truthfully. Whether he resented Sirius for winning Remus back over or Remus for getting Sirius back when he didn't. Neither of those emotions made sense, of course, but that didn't make them any less real to him.
And then Sirius had actually tried, finally. After all the years of James resenting him for not trying, it wasn't quite enough. He wanted to give in, but he couldn't. Whether it was pride or fear of getting hurt again or something else entirely, he didn't know, but he had balked.
Until everything had fallen apart, with Peter, with his family being on the firing line, with the final battle that-- somehow-- they'd all survived. He'd captured Peter himself, heard him grovel at his feet without actually meaning any of it. And somehow that had made him understand Sirius a little better, and why he hadn't tried. Not because he hadn't cared, hadn't wanted to fix it, but because it had genuinely been a stupid, unthinking mistake and he didn't have any excuses. Because he'd known there wasn't anything he could really say to make it better, and he had accepted the consequences without flinching. Until he'd been given the opportunity to risk his life trying to make things even a little bit right, somehow.
That had brought a moment of clarity that James hadn't really been prepared for. He'd been angry with Sirius because he'd thought he'd misjudged him at first, thought he'd trusted someone who would use his friend as an unwitting murder weapon. Now, even though everything was a mess, somehow the truths of his friendships was put right again-- he'd been wrong about Peter, certainly, but not wrong about Sirius. Just, he'd underestimated Sirius's reckless stupidity a little, and his temper. And his penchant for self-flagellation, because going back to his family and joining the Death Eaters was really taking it a bit far on the masochism, even with all things considered.
So when he opened the door to see Sirius on the other side, he froze for a moment, because it was the first time he'd actually seen him-- seen the person he was, seen him as a friend-- in years. And it hurt, but in a good way. For a moment, he didn't know what to say. His face, however, spoke volumes. Years of anger and resentment had been peeled back to show the vulnerable teenager whose life and friendships had been upended in a single night, who'd just wanted, more than anything else, for things to be put right again. So that he could have his friends back.
After a moment, he cleared his throat and found his voice. And he said, "Pads."
The nickname was like a plea. Please still be my best friend. Please be back for good. Please don't leave again.
Please.