_smoke_ (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} _smoke_) wrote,@ 2006-11-05 10:48:00 |
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A short character study of Sirius.
Title: Not This Time
Characters: Sirius - others thought about
Rating/Warnings: not much, slashy thoughts - sort of - PG-13
Summary: Sirius always seems to get things wrong, but not this time.
Thanks to
snegurochka_lee for beta help.Not This Time
Why did he always have to fuck everything up?
Sirius kicked viciously at the fallen leaves as he strode along the side of the road heading for James and Lily's.
His parents. He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. He hated everything they stood for, their arrogance, their cruelty, their absolute stubbornness in refusing to see that they were wrong. He sighed.
Guess he wasn't so different in that respect.
But they were wrong! They should listen to him!
And Regulus. His stomach churned. His little brother, the one who had always looked up to him and worshiped him. Regulus, a Death Eater, the hideous black mark burned into his arm.
Why couldn't he make him see?
Sirius entered the yard at the Potters' modest cottage and sank down on the front step. He wasn't ready to face them yet. Wasn't ready to put on his big, stupid, everything's-just-dandy grin. He pulled a pack of crumpled fags from his pocket and lit one with his wand, drawing the soothing smoke deep into his lungs.
Regulus. He had utterly failed him. Always so glib, so quick with the witty comebacks, why hadn't he found the words to make his little brother understand? He refused to believe his brother was evil. He blew lazy smoke rings into the chill night air. His parents weren't evil either, not really. At least, he couldn't believe that they were. Blind, misguided, even stupid, but not evil. Grandmother Black was another story, but not his parents. Somehow, he had failed to make them see.
He had failed at so many things.
Remus. The slightly puzzled face of his friend floated across his mind. Yes, he'd really bollocksed that up. Remus, with those amazing eyes, that lock of hair that fell in his face when he was bent over his books, the way he would casually brush it back. And those legs. Sirius' mouth went dry. Long, slender, with wiry muscles and the scars. He knew Remus was ashamed of his scars, but Sirius thought they were fascinating. He wanted to run his tongue over them, all the way up to....
He threw his spent cigarette away with an angry sound, then pulled out another. Why did he have to think about Remus that way? He never thought of James like that. Or Peter. No one else made his pulse flutter or his mouth go dry. He knew he stared – he couldn't help it. Unfortunately, the others had noticed. Peter first, with his quick mind and observant eyes. He'd mentioned it to James that day in the showers and James had flicked Sirius with his towel. Laughed and called him a fairy. Remus had given him a searching look and said nothing. When Sirius was watching Remus study and the other boy would look up and catch him, Sirius'd usually smile and shrug it off, or pretend he wasn't looking at Remus, but his friend would get this faint line between his eyes, and he made sure he never sat next to Sirius after that day in the showers.
Sirius had tried. He had learned to turn into a big shaggy dog. Pretty fucking clever, if he did say so himself. Not some stag who would stand out wherever he went, or a rat for god's sake. A dog. He could go almost anywhere without anyone giving him a second look. And he was the most like Moony, yeah? Brothers, under the skin, so to speak. But Remus hadn't been impressed. Oh, he was impressed with all of them learning to be Animagi, but Padfoot hadn't impressed him over much. He'd laughed and said how well it suited him. Friendly, overeager, not too bright. He'd laughed when he said it, but the words still stung. Sirius had thought it would get him closer to Moony, maybe make him see that he was really his friend – closer than the others, more in tune.
Fat lot of good that had done.
Ever since that time in the library. Remus had gone back into the stacks to find a book and Sirius had followed. Well, he hadn't followed, really, he'd just needed to go the same way. Remus was crouching, flipping through a book and Sirius had reached over him. Brushed up against him. It wasn't anything, it could have happened to anyone. Remus hadn't needed to give Sirius that piercing look when he stood up. So close. He hadn't needed to give that slight shake of the head before turning away.
It wasn't like he fancied blokes. He didn't. Not that he exactly fancied birds either. It was Remus. There was something about Remus.
Lily thought Remus was a spy. Well, of course he was! Isn't that what Dumbledore had sent him to do? Didn't he have to be secretive? Didn't he have to spend a lot of time away with the wolf packs? Wasn't that one of the bravest things Sirius had ever heard of?
Wasn't that useful? Not like what Sirius was doing – not that he was doing much of anything.
Sirius crushed out the second fag. He'd show them. He nodded. He was smarter than they thought. He had a plan.
Making him Secret Keeper, yeah, they trusted him. And right they were, too – he'd give his life to keep them safe. But he was the obvious choice; they'd come looking for him. So, in a stroke of brilliance, he'd convinced Peter to take his place. And it had taken convincing! But he'd finally persuaded Peter that he would be safe, that no one would ever suspect he was the Secret Keeper.
Sirius stood and dusted off the seat of his jeans, turning to enter the house. They were counting on him, trusting him to keep little Harry safe. This time, he wouldn't fail.
~~