Sunday: October/12/08 - AIM: Starbuck/Ava Ava: I think I just killed my marriage.... Starbuck: That doesn't sound good. Ava: It's not. I left the rings. It's serious. Ava: I can't stop crying. Starbuck: I'm sorry, Ava. What happened? Ava: Ana and I pulled a switch, which went horribly wrong, and ended up with Charlie hating me. We fought. He told me I always hurt him, and I just realised he's right.... so I left. Starbuck: You don't always hurt him. You've helped him through some really bad shit. I'm sure he's just mad. Ava: I'm not sure that makes up for all the screwing up I've also done. I didn't even mean to hurt him this time and I still managed it! Starbuck: Did you mean to hurt him the other times? Ava: No, but I knew I was doing it. Starbuck: Why'd you do it? Ava: Because I'm a bitch who couldn't appreciate what she had and just leave it alone Starbuck: So start appreciating it. Ava: I did, I do, except it doesn't matter now, because like I said, I screwed things up without even realising I was doing it this time! Starbuck: Then fix it. Ava: I don't know if I should. He's probably better without. Starbuck: No, I don't buy that. He loves you. Ava: He'll get over it... Starbuck: I don't think he will. Ava: He didn't make any move to stop me. It's for his own good Starbuck: So he's pissed. I can't say I blame him. But he's not better off without you. Ava: You don't even know why he's pissed. Starbuck: You said you and Ana pulled a switch on him. I wouldn't like that. Ava: It was meant to be a harmless experiment... so much for that. Starbuck: But why? Ava: We were curious about whether Charlie and Adam would be able to tell and we hadn't ever tried such an intricate switch. Starbuck: I still don't understand why you'd do that to your husband. Either you trusted him to know right away, or you were worried he wouldn't be able to. Ava: I trusted him. That's not what it was. We were just.... it's like testing our skills. Ava: It was the ultimate challenge Starbuck: Well, it wasn't worth it. Ava: Thank you for stating what I now know. Starbuck: So did he figure it out or not? Ava: He says he didn't. Ana told him to try and save my marriage because it was turning into a fight. He knew it wasn't normal for me though, so I count that as him realising... Starbuck: Why did it turn into a fight? Ava: Because 'I' wasn't reacting to things normally and he thought it was a sign I'd changed my mind about things we discussed when we made up after our last big fight the other week. Starbuck: Sounds like he and Ana talked for quite a while. Ava: Long enough... Starbuck: Is talking all they did? Ava: Pretty much. Ava: Half of me is saying I did the right thing, walking away to protect him, and the other half is screaming at me that I'm a fool for walking out on the one guy who ever put up with my shit and loved me despite it, instead of trying to make him understand how much he means to me. I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and cry again, and yet it is still not half of what I'd put up with for what I had. Starbuck: When did all this happen? Ava: The switch or me walking away? Starbuck: Both. Ava: The switch was yesterday, the... other thing, was about an hour ago. Starbuck: Then don't act like your marriage is over. Ava: I think it is... Ava: Ironic. Two days ago I'd narrowed my wedding dress selection to two and was planning it.... now, who knows. Starbuck: You can fix this. Ava: Yeah, but should I? I left because he's right and I can't seem to stop hurting him Starbuck: Stop playing games and shit, and you'll be fine. It's not that hard to avoid hurting him. Starbuck: Look, I'm gonna tell you some stuff you can't repeat, okay? Ava: Ok.... Starbuck: I thought about leaving Kim a while back. It was after Ed and his friend came over and roughed me up, even yelled at Kamea. I thought it wasn't safe for me to be with Kim, that Kamea might get hurt one day. Kim didn't let me go. She didn't give up on us. Starbuck: I'm glad she didn't. Ed's a dick, major one, and I do still worry sometimes that he might do something stupid again. But Kamea needs Kim in her life, I do too. It's not always easy, but we don't give up. Ava: But you and Kim... it's different. You're both good people and you'd never intentionally hurt each other. I'm not Kim. Starbuck: You and Charlie are good people too. Ava: Charlie is. Starbuck: You are. Ava: Sporadically Starbuck: Stop talking shit about my friend. Ava: You need better taste in friends, lol Starbuck: I've heard that before. Ava: Thanks. For forcing a smile on me. Starbuck: You're welcome. Ava: So basically I screwed up twice? Once with the switch, and once by leaving? Starbuck: I don't think he'll blame you for walking out after a fight. Ava: I slapped him too... Starbuck: Why? Ava: He said how was he supposed to know I was Ava, said the real Ava was probably fucking Adam. I was feeling really bad for what I'd done, so I slapped him... no, it doesn't make sense Starbuck: You're really making this difficult. Ava: My speciality Starbuck: Tell him you're sorry, again, and that you don't want to lose him and you'll wait for him. Ava: You don't think it's too late to do that considering? Starbuck: I doubt he's run away to marry someone else. Ava: How do you hand your wedding ring back and then say I'll wait for you? Starbuck: Tell him you didn't mean it. Ava: "I know I told you it was best I left, but I've changed my mind" Sound egotistical to anyone else? Starbuck: Tell him you're sorry, you love him, and beg him to forgive you for all your fuck ups. Ava: I think I'll give it a little more time first... but thank you. I just want to be sure. Starbuck: Don't give up on yourself or your marriage. Ava: Mmm Starbuck: Promise me. Ava: I promise to think about it. Starbuck: He's a better person since marrying you. Ava: How do you figure that? Starbuck: Because I didn't like him all that much before. Ava: I'm not sure that has anything to do with me and my effect on him Starbuck: I think it does. Being married has been good for both of you. Ava: Why did I have to screw it up? Starbuck: I don't know. But it's done, and all you can do is try to fix it. Ava: I guess... Ava: Is this what friends do? Starbuck: What? Ava: Help their whiney friends out without complaining? Starbuck: Would you prefer if I complained? Ava: No, I'd stop talking. Ava: I was just asking, so I know what I owe you. Starbuck: You don't owe me anything. Ava: :D Ava: Ok, I'm too emotional for this. I should go before I end up crying in some mix of despair, pain, happiness and self loathing. Starbuck: I'm here if you need anything. Call or come over whenever. Ava: Thanks. Starbuck: You're welcome.