Starbuck (_starbuck_) wrote, @ 2011-05-03 21:38:00 |
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Entry tags: | aim, ava, starbuck |
Thursday: November/20/08 - AIM: Starbuck/Ava
Starbuck: I'm back at the apartment now. Talk to me.
Ava: Talk, or be told about how I'm making the wrong choice?
Starbuck: Talk.
Ava: What is there to talk about? You know the situation
Starbuck: I don't understand, Ava. How can you give up?
Ava: I don't know. At first I was talking about 'if' I stay, and then it just seemed to turn into me staying.
Starbuck: And Charlie is okay with that?
Starbuck: Because I'm losing what respect I had for him now too.
Ava: He'd rather say goodbye and leave it than live apart as friends and occasional lovers.
Starbuck: All or nothing, huh?
Ava: He tinks I'll get annoyed with visiting and trying to be part of the family and break Maggie
Starbuck: Do you think you will?
Ava: I think I don't want to hurt my new family, but I still am.
Starbuck: I think you should come clean with your sire.
Ava: I think that's not my choice to make
Starbuck: Why not?
Ava: Ana would have to deal with the consequences
Starbuck: So talk to her about it. Tell her this is important to you.
Ava: 'Oh Ana, I want to ruin our unlives and possibly get us killed because of my marriage, but it's ok, because it's important to me to stay with Charlie.'
Starbuck: Just talk to her. You've done a lot for her over the years, and I'm sure she'd like to return the favor.
Ava: I'm not using the things I did for her to make her stay
Ava: To make her ok with me not staying
Starbuck: You need to be honest with her about what's going on, tell her what you want, and see what happens.
Ava: I'll think about it.
Starbuck: Don't give up without a fight.
Ava: He doesn't want to be without his family, and I don't want to be without mine. Fighting seems unfair
Starbuck: There's a solution. You just need to find it.
Ava: I'll think about it. It's not like I want to lose him.
Starbuck: I know you don't. He doesn't want to lose you either, he's just trying to be manly or some bullshit.
Ava: He's trying to protect his family
Starbuck: And his heart.
Ava: Too late for that.
Starbuck: It still belongs to you.
Ava: Exactly
Starbuck: I'm guessing it always will. We both know what he used to be like. You've changed him for the better.
Ava: You said that before, but how?
Starbuck: Well, for starters, I used to hate the dude, and now I really like him.
Ava: That isn't a change in him, that's you actually getting to know him
Starbuck: Maybe, but he seems nicer now, more grounded. Being in love suits him.
Ava: Are we forgetting the part where I made him so mad he threatened to throw my wedding and engagement ring away if I left them with him and hated me?
Starbuck: And he forgave you. How many men would do that?
Ava: Have you seen me? Men have forgiven worse.
Starbuck: None of them knew you.
Ava: I don't think that sounded the way you meant it
Starbuck: Charlie knows you.
Starbuck: Other men never got the chance.
Ava: He hates my twin. How am I meant to sort that out as well?
Starbuck: If Ana does something to help you two stay together, I'm thinking he'll forgive her too.
Ava: Right
Starbuck: You know that I'm only trying to help, right?
Ava: Yes, and you realise that leaving would mean leaving you too, right?
Starbuck: Did you know that my mother was born near San Francisco? She loves it there, we've been on many trips to the City by the Bay.
Ava: Do you have an answer for everything?
Starbuck: No. Kim has to tell Ed something soon that's going to possibly make him want to kill me. I have no idea what to do.
Ava: Oh?
Starbuck: I can't discuss it in detail.
Ava: I hoped your problems might be a good distraction, but if I can't even know most of it... what good are you to me?
Starbuck: Sorry, it's a secret for the time being.
Starbuck: Just know that telling Ed will not be easy.
Ava: Secrets don't stay secrets around here.
Starbuck: Let's get back to discussing your problem.
Ava: What else is there to discuss? You said what you wanted and I said I'd think about it.
Starbuck: This isn't about what I want. This is about what YOU want.
Ava: I want my life to be simple, where my husband isn't moving to the other side of the country, where I can be with him and my twin, where he doesn't hate her, where I can openly be married, where I can take him to my favourite city without having to think about whether someone is going to notice the wedding band and it will get back to my sire because someone tells him or he sees it in a gossip colum, where I'm not breaking a little girl's heart.
Starbuck: So what are you going to do to try and get all those things?
Ava: I can't stop him moving and I can't make him tolerate Ana again, just for a start.
Starbuck: So what can you do?
Ava: I can tell Saul about Charlie, but I don't want to see how he reacts to that. That's about the only one I can fix, about from moving to stop Maggie getting hurt.
Starbuck: Do you really think Saul will flip out?
Ava: He turned us based on who we were back then, this is completely unlike those Van Der Witt twins.
Starbuck: What I'm asking is, do you think he's super possessive? Or do you think he'd allow you to live your own life?
Ava: Nearer the first. He has no problem watching us play with other men, so it's not like that, but...
Starbuck: So what would he do if he knew you were married and in love?
Ava: Honestly I don't know
Starbuck: Do you think he'd hurt someone?
Ava: I think it's possible.
Starbuck: You realize that it's impossible for you to keep this secret forever, right? It doesn't even matter if you don't stay with Charlie, your sire will find out eventually.
Ava: If he's moved on and I seem back to normal it will be easier to placate him
Starbuck: So you're going to be alone for eternity to keep your sire from getting mad? That doesn't sound fun.
Ava: I assume that he'll get bored of us over time and then maybe I can.... maybe I can magically fix things with Charlie when that happens
Starbuck: Well, I'll agree with you on the second half of that. You'll be able to fix things with Charlie. He'll always come back to you.
Ava: Should I though?
Starbuck: Should you try to fix things?
Ava: Is it fair on him to take advantage of that?
Starbuck: I don't know, Ava. I don't see him moving on anytime soon, if ever. No matter what you do, that will probably be the case.
Ava: That's pretty much what he said.
Starbuck: Then you've got time to decide.
Ava: I suppose
Starbuck: But that doesn't mean everyone else will wait. I don't know his family well enough to know if they'd give you a second chance, and kids are a bit unpredictable.
Ava: That's if it happens in time for that to be an issue, as horrible as it sounds.
Starbuck: If you wait that long, you probably won't be able to find Charlie.
Ava: I told him I would say goodbye and agreed to let it be final, but I don't know if I can just let go completely. I think I'll always feel the need to check on him, make sure he's ok.
Starbuck: Then you aren't letting him go.
Ava: No, I'm not
Starbuck: You made it sound like he wants all or nothing, that's neither.
Ava: He doesn't want to be friends, for me to try and stay in contact with Maggie and his family, incase I get bored. He wants to protect them.
Starbuck: And himself. You keep forgetting that. Just because he says he's doing it for his family, doesn't make it 100% true. I'm guessing you're not taking a vow of celibacy while he's gone, and I'm also guessing he's heartbroken thinking about that.
Ava: That was the problem. At first he seemed willing to try some sort of long distance thing, but I don't want him miserable waiting for me, and really, how often does long distance work? Especially with couples like us?
Starbuck: So he doesn't want to hear about you fucking other dudes. Do you blame him?
Ava: No, I don't want to hear about him fucking other women, but I want him to be happy, not miserable trying to make things work with me from opposite sides of the country.
Starbuck: Do you think he will? Seriously? Because I heard about his problem.
Ava: I'm not that great. Once he's been apart from me for a while he'll realise that and he'll be fine.
Starbuck: Maybe.
Ava: He will
Starbuck: Then so will you, so why are you talking about finding him again one day? Why do you want to check up on him? Why not just cut your losses and find someone less complicated?
Ava: Being able to have sex with other people doesn't mean I won't still care about him
Starbuck: Why would you want to have sex with other people?
Ava: I like sex
Starbuck: So do I, but if Kim died today, I'd never touch another woman.
Ava: Uh huh...
Starbuck: You don't believe me?
Ava: I think you wouldn't know until it happened
Starbuck: I know.
Ava: You have different thoughts on sex than me though
Starbuck: I'm a guy, I think about it a hell of a lot more.
Ava: Really?
Starbuck: Constantly.
Ava: So do I
Ava: Having sex, what sex can get me, sex I've had, people I wish I'd had sex with before Charlie became the one for me, women who might join us for sex and feeding...
Starbuck: But you're still only sleeping with him, right?
Ava: Yes
Starbuck: Why?
Ava: Because...
Starbuck: Because you only want him, or because he expects it of you?
Ava: A mix?
Starbuck: If he didn't care, would you fuck other guys?
Ava: I don't know. It would make feeding easier.
Starbuck: Okay.
Starbuck: For me, sex is great, but love is better, and I can never go back.
Ava: Love is better, and of course sex with someone you live is incomparable to sex with someone you don't.
Starbuck: I think you should stop wasting time talking to me and talk to Ana instead.
Ava: I spoke to Ana the same day he announced to the school he was leaving
Starbuck: And?
Ava: She doesn't want me to stay just for her, but it's not her choice
Starbuck: Nope. It's your choice.
Ava: Yes
Starbuck: Then there's no point discussing it further with me. You've made up your mind, and it sounds like Charlie has accepted it, and Ana isn't standing in your way. So do what you mentioned.. enjoy the time you have then say goodbye.
Starbuck: And if you really do want Charlie to try and move on, then you're going to have to give him the space to do it. Calling and checking up on him will just keep you in his heart.
Ava: I didn't say I'd check up on him in an obvious way
Starbuck: If you're thinking of calling his family, that's a bad idea. I get the feeling they'll tell him.
Ava: No. I won't call them. I told him I'd make a clean break for Maggie's sake.
Starbuck: What are you going to say to her?
Ava: I don't have a clue. That I love her, but beyond that...
Starbuck: I don't envy you.
Ava: Thanks
Ava: Ideas would have been more helpful than pity
Starbuck: I don't have any ideas. If Kim had to leave Kamea like that, fuck, I don't know what we'd do.
Ava: Why can't life be simple again/
Starbuck: When was life ever simple?
Ava: Before I fell in love
Starbuck: Were you happier then?
Ava: I felt it at the time.
Ava: Not happier, but I felt content with my life. I wouldn't give up what I've had though
Starbuck: But you are giving it up.
Ava: I'm not giving up what I've already had, I'm giving up a future of it
Starbuck: I'm sorry.
Starbuck: Is there anything I can do to help?
Ava: I don't think there is anything anyone can do, but thank you.
Starbuck: You're always welcome to come hang out at my place. Kamea would like it.
Ava: I still find it strange she likes me.
Starbuck: You're good with kids.
Ava: You don't find that odd?
Starbuck: No.
Ava: You're odd though.
Starbuck: Maybe.
Ava: Definitely
Starbuck: I need to start making dinner. Talk to you soon?
Ava: I suppose I should leave my office and stop hiding now
Starbuck: Probably.
Ava: I might come and see you tomorrow then, ok?
Starbuck: Sure. You're always welcome.
Ava: I might even warn you. Probably not though.
Ava: See you tomorrow
Starbuck: See you then.
Starbuck: [away: making dinner]