It was just us for so long. Just you and me, with no one else involved other than Evan or Julian in the background and in passing. And I always knew you had a life, and friends, that you didn't cease to exist when we closed the connection. But knowing it and actually seeing it are so entirely different there's no comparison.
Seeing you with Julian people. How often you touch, and how easily. How you lean into touch and gravitate to skin and I don't think you even realize it, b/c it's just as natural and necessary as breathing. And don't, please don't, get me wrong. I don't resent it. I don't expect you not to do it or want you to stop I just...I wasn't ready for it. And jesus, it's honestly kind of beautiful. I like seeing you touch people, seeing how they respond to you, even if I'm jealous as hell sometimes. It's just hard to see that and not to think that you need it from me too, and I can't give it to you. Or to think about how much effort it must take not to be that way with me, not to touch, when it's so natural and automatic with everyone else.
I don't want you to bend, or break, or change at all. Not for me or because of me. I got scared and I fucked up. Please let me try and fix it.
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_touchless_) wrote,