Back-dated to Wednesday night It wasn't supposed to be like this. After all these years, busting our asses to stay together and make things work, when we finally got to be together it was supposed to be amazing. Not this epic clusterfuck.
And maybe Josh was right. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed. But...what the hell would that have helped in the long run. It wouldn't have changed what he needed. It wouldn't have changed what he wanted, either. It just would have taken him longer to realize it. Maybe long enough for him to hate me because of it.
I'm not sure this is any better, though. I'd almost rather he hate me if he'd still be him doing it, b/c right now he's not Josh. He's a fucking ghost of himself. Half smiles and absent looks and no god damned interest in anything. I can't help but wonder if all the times I catch him staring into space he's thinking about Keller, wishing he were with him instead. Did he choose me b/c he wants me, or out of some fucked up feeling of obligation? And if he did do I even care so long as it means I get him?
Except I do. I fucking hate seeing him this way. Hate knowing it's my fault even more. It's like he's a god damned zombie, like all the life and energy are gone and he just doesn't give a shit anymore. He's just going through the motions and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to make it any better. The only time he actually seems more than half alive is when I pin him down and pretty much molest him. That he seems to still care about, and the harder the better. But he never starts anything, never acts like he's even remotely interested until I push him into it, and I feel so fucking dirty after. I can't tell if he actually still wants it or if he just feels obligated and enjoys it well enough that it's at least not a hardship.
Jesus, I just want him to look at me like he cares that I'm still here, to touch me like it's the only god damned thing that matters, sometime when I don't already have my had on his dick...or the cloth over his damned dick, anyway. Oh fuck, I love him so damned much and I don't want to lose him. Just thinking about it's like a hot knife in my gut, but if this is what keeping him means I can't fucking do it to him. I just can't. God, I think I'm going to puke again.