I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't go play with him on Julian's day. There's no way this is what Julian meant by 'sharing intimacies', whatever the fuck he actually did mean. Not what we share when we play together. Hell, I probably shouldn't do it at all. It's just going to hurt, so fucking much. Both of us, probably, because we both suck at hiding anything when we play. At least together, or for each other.
And I'm still so god damned angry at him. Not even for this whole clusterfuck with Julian. I should have known better than to ever think I could keep him, it was just a matter of who and when, not if. It hurts like nothing I ever could have fucking imagined, but I can understand.
But why the hell does he have to keep shoving it down my throat? Why the fuck did he try to make me watch them? Try to put me on display like the freak I am for Julian? Tried to make me play for him, like he had any right to that or even wanted it. I just...and then he told him. That hurt like hell to admit to him, and he just tossed it out in front of Julian like he had some right to know. Like humiliating me in front of him wasn't anything.
And I don't want to be angry at him. Fuck knows how much time I even have left with him, I don't want to waste it being mad, but I can't help it. And I'm not going to be able to hide it when we play. Unless I start up the metronome and play like a robot it's all going to be right there, in every damned note, no matter how hard I try to keep it out. And if I do that he'll know I'm hiding. And he'll hurt. And it'll ruin it.
Either way I'm going to ruin it. And I still can't not go. I miss it, miss him, too damned much. Even if it's nothing but pain I want it. Even if it's the last damned time.