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[Jun. 11th, 2011|11:56 am] |
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I lied. I don't want to say "see you later". I want to say good fucking bye. |
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| You're the one who knows me best, tell me why I'm so depressed. |
[Jun. 10th, 2011|11:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | quixotic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Parachute - The mess I made | ] |
Well, that's it. School is over. I now have a four day weekend because I don't have to take any more finals till Tuesday. Tuesday will be my last day. It's weird, I'm gonna be a JUNIOR. Right now I practically am a junior. :'( I loved all my classes this year. I loved being in classes with Adrian once again. I love him so much and if I don't have any classes with him next year I'll be heartbroken. I loved getting close with Anjelica and Sydney. And having Ozlack in my classes once again. I loved having Kyle in my math class and I can't imagine not having classes with Greg next year. Maybe this year wasn't as bad as I thought it was. It actually was pretty good..in some ways.
This summer will hold many possibilities. This summer will open multiple doors for me. This summer will teach me about myself. This summer I'll love my job. This summer I'll spend so much time with my friends. This summer I'll go camping. This summer I'll be the happiest I've ever been. This summer I will finally be okay.
I'm gonna have more than two months to try and focus on myself. To be apart from Robby. A tear is rolling down my face as I write this, im gay. bye. NO HI. Anyway, I know this is what I need but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I have to let go and say goodbye. Wait, actually why do I have to say goodbye? All this time I've been trying to say goodbye. Trying to write him letters of goodbye for closer for myself, trying to type out a stupid message I don't want to write. Why do I have to say GOODBYE? Why can't I say "See you later."
That sounds almost perfect.
See you later, Robby. |
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| I'm drunk and so is everyone else in this devil town. |
[Jun. 6th, 2011|11:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 30h!3 - Streets of gold | ] |
~another stupid entry about a boy who doesn't like me~
I haven't wrote in a while! I've been pretty busy with work. I just got back like a half hour ago and my legs kill. I've been mostly working on school nights instead of the weekends which I'm really happy about. It's not like I have any homework to do anyway. School is over next Tuesday. Wow. My sophomore year is over. I'm going to be a junior next year. Time definitely flew by..it's sad. Really sad for me. I don't like endings, involving anything. I wouldn't really know what to categorize this year. Good or bad, happy or sad, I don't know. At times it was great..other times it was really dissapointing and hard on me. I just hope this summer is great .. the best year. And junior year is awesome for me. Whoo lets stay optimistic!
Robby and I have definitely got back to the way we used to be, before we ever went out. The stage I so wished to go back to. The stage I begged would come back. Now that it's here it feels weird. We flirt..and then I come home upset. Blah. We texted this whole weekend. I texted him friday asking him how the prom was (he went with a junior) and we just talked the whole rest of the weekend. Saturday night he told me he'd text me later. I didn't think he'd text me the next day. I was really happy when he did. He even asked me to come to Brig on saturday. I didn't feel like explaining to everyone why I was going to Robby's house so I just said I couldn't.
I think he's confused with how he feels, and he frankly doesn't really care. Robby doesn't know what he wants. One moment he'll be hugging me tight in the hallways, the next day he won't even talk to me. It hurts and it's frustrating. If I knew I would be this caught up about texting him I probably wouldn't of texted him on friday. For instance, it really upset me we didn't text tonight. We did a little in the daytime, but not tonight. I wanted to kill myself at work. This is how I get. This is how I am. I'm insane.
It makes my lip quiver and my eyes start to water about this year ending because it means the year with Robby is over. Next year we might not have any classes together and we might go back to being strangers. Not friends. I don't want that. Sometimes I think we can never ever go back to the way we were, we will NEVER go out again. It's heart wrenching because that's all I want. But the sad conclusion is things don't always work out in your favor. You can want someone so bad and sometimes it just doesn't work out. No matter how badly you want it to. From the the bottom of my toes, to the top of my head, I want Robby back. From the bottom of his toes, to the top of his head, he doesn't care.
I don't even think I care
what am I saying?
goodnight |
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| A tear in her dress and a tear in her eye. |
[May. 18th, 2011|08:41 pm] |
For the past couple days I've felt pretty happy with my feelings toward Robby. I felt like they were really going away. Slowly, but surely. I was happy. I felt like I thought about him less, and I would even stop writing about him. I wasn't sure if I over him, I don't think I was, but I just felt good for once. But then he texted me today. We were watching The Goonies in English class (yeah I don't know why). I was writing an essay that I had missed a couple days before. Once I'm finished I decided to check my phone. ROBBY is on my screen. O.O He's in my class. I open the text and he says "what is this movie?" haha? I answer him and we text through the class and the next period. All I kept thinking was, why are you texting me? Robby has his bestfriend in the class, and two other really good friends. THAT SIT NEXT TO HIM. Why couldn't he ask one of them what the heck were we watching? I was confused and I didn't know if he just wanted to talk to me or it was just a harmless, stupid, text. I wish he could of texted me and attached at the end the words "I JUST WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND" came with it. I just over think everything and I never knew if he just wants to be friendly or not.
In lunch we flirted, or atleast I think we did. I DON'T KNOW.
I'm tired of trying to figure out exactly how I feel about everything. I just don't want to feel anything |
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| You say my name like there could be an us |
[May. 14th, 2011|11:52 am] |
Yesterday was my first night of work and let me just say...I now know why I'm getting paid 9 dollars an hour. (Minimum wage for my age is really 7.25) I've already vented so much with my family but basically it was so hectic and crazy. Friday definitely was not a good day for training. It was SO busy. A girl named Mackie was my trainer. I felt really comfortable with her and I really appreciate her being so nice to me. She helped me out a lot. She cursed pretty often which lightened everything up haha. She told me if she was me she would of shit bricks and quit. I'm glad she felt sympathetic for me. I knew I would have rude customers but I never thought I'd have them on my first night! One guy called back cursing at me saying his panini wasn't delivered but everything else was. He said "You guy always screw up my orders." I wanted to say okay...SO STOP ORDERING FROM HERE, and hang up. I told him to please hold and I'd talk to my boss. I talked to my boss and he told me to tell the man we'd give him the panini now. I got back on the phone and the man went balistic saying "what will that do for me!! blah blah blah" I was so mad/ annoyed and just put my boss on the phone. We ended up giving him all the money back for his whole meal (38 dollars) , that rude bastard didn't deserve anything. I never would of thought the night would be this busy. I wanted to cry and felt I was doing horrible. If the person who calls is ordering a delivery I have to add up all the costs and the tax (if its for pick up the cashier does it for you). There's then three different stations where i have to put the order at. The pizza orders go one place, the dinners go in the kitchen, and so do the sandwhich/hoagie making. -.- I also have to get the boxes ready for the pizza and write the name/street adress on them. I also have to work the register! It's a lot. I hope tonight is better. I won't be working with Mackie again and I wish I was because she was so nice. I hope whoever I'm working with tonight helps me just as much. I also work Sunday. My boss and Mackie said I did really good for my first night. I guess i did alright. When I got home my whole body ached, my legs killed, and it was the first time I ever took a cold shower. I'm looking forward to when I get the hang of things. I do like the job. |
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| Watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain |
[May. 5th, 2011|08:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | John Mayer - Heartbreak warfare | ] |
I'll have good days and feel optimistic, but my sadness will always eventually rush over me and make me feel hopeless and depressed. Today was a bad day. I just felt awful - from the moment I woke up. I looked at my ugly face and wanted to just .. be someone else. Be somewhere else. I decided right away I wouldn't go to lunch. I didn't want Robby to see my ugly face. I ate my lunch around 8:45 in spanish class. Fifth period I headed to the library and did my math homework. I was happy I finished it. Once the bell rang I dragged my feet to class where Sydney and Adrian asked why I wasn't in lunch. "Just didn't feel like it," I say. I can tell Adrian knows I'm glum. The rest of the day is a bore, I just want to cry. I see Robby after gym, avoiding eye contact - head straight, eyes forward......"Why weren't you in lunch?" he calls. Damn, he saw me.
YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU! I CAN'T SIT NEXT TO YOU AFTER BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I CAN'T SIT NEXT TO YOU AND LAUGH AND BE FRIENDS. I CAN'T PRETEND THIS DOESN'T HURT.
"I went to the library, I had stuff to do."
I've always had a difficult time involving boys. I don't know why, and I wish I could change it about myself. Maybe it has something to do with my lack of having a father - I just have a dad. I don't know. It may seem pathetic to some people that a boy can make me feel like this. So dead. But I've always been like this. I take everything personally, especially with boys. So when Robby broke up with me I just felt as low as a human could possibly be. Usually after a break up it gets easier once you don't see the person anymore.. but I got the luck of sitting right next to him in lunch. We still do today. As the days pass, weeks, and months I just feel worse because I know what we had is even further away than it ever was. Tomorrow will be another day away from when we were together.
It's not just Robby either - I think it's just everything. I'm not happy with myself, I haven't been for a long time. I remember when I went out with Robby I'd be on the bus and I'd think "I'm still not happy." So even a relationship didn't fulfill my happiness. It made me happier though. And that's better than nothing. |
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| When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. |
[Apr. 30th, 2011|08:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | John Mayer- Dreaming with a broken heart | ] |
I'm in a dark place. I feel so depressed and sad. I just want to be happy. That's all I want.
I went through my book shelf and looked at a book Tori had given me Christmas of 09'. It's a book that says a bunch of nice things and she underlines what reminds her of me. At the end of the book she said "don't forget you're amazing." What made me sad was I don't think she'd ever give me that book again. She's changed and I can tell she views me differently. And I view her differently. Our first christmas together we were so excited and gave each other such good, meaningful gifts. This year she gave me a "Kardashians" book. Things just aren't the same. I feel like I haven't changed at all - but she has. Maybe because she lost her virginity. I don't know. She drinks and I don't, maybe we're just not meant to be friends. Maybe I just can't relate to her world. Whenever we talk about things such as depression, bullying, or Demi Lovato (entering rehab) she just doesn't feel the way I do. I've been tormented so bad in middle school, I'm depressed, and I've cut like Demi has. So it hurts when she thinks stuff like that is all one big joke or that bullying couldn't really effect someones life that much - or even a divorce.
I try to be happy but I realize I don't have anything to be happy about. Someone could read this and say I'm selfish and should be happy I have my health and my family is healthy. I am thankful for that. But having health, and my family being healthy doesn't give me the happy feeling I need. I can't just rely on the fact that my family's health and be happy. I've been so scared lately. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. Such bad things are happening on the news, such horrible events. I am terrified that I'm living in a horrible era. That the world will end. Just writing that scares me even more. I just wish I wasn't like this. I'm a mess, a freak. |
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| Turn your scars into stars. |
[Apr. 29th, 2011|12:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My deck | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Secondhand Sereanade - Vulnerable | ] |
Yesterday I went to Senni's and a bunch of people were there. I realized I enjoy being with a group of friends a lot more than just a couple friends. Something about a large group of people is comforting to me. Right now I'm tanning outside 8) The weather is beautiful. I actually want to go back to school. Yeah, I can't believe I'm saying that.
Things that make me happy :
- French braids
- The Oc.
- Summer rain
- Unexpected texts from a crush
- Funny people, laughter
- Pools
- My family ( sometimes ) |
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| Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. |
[Apr. 25th, 2011|11:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kid Cudi - Pursuit of happiness | ] |
I just got off the phone with Senni and I want to cry. Cry tears of WOW YOU'RE SO NICE, I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT tears. We just had a nice heart to heart and she told me that when she found out Robby and I broke up all she thought was how retarted Robby was and how "i'm an amazing girlfriend and one of the prettiest girls ever and robby didn't know how good he had it." She said she would see him in the hallway and she always just wanted to slap him and that she knew I would never cheat on him, i'd never fight with him, and that i was an amazing girlfriend. I could just tell everything she was saying was genuine and was really coming from her heart. I don't know why, but I really needed to hear that tonight. I came home from Senni's house (before she called me) and I rode in the dark thinking "first thing I want to do when I get home is take out the tiger Robby gave me thats in my closet." I missed him tonight. I needed to hear something like that tonight. I really did. Thank you so much Senni. Thank you so fucking much.
On another note,
I got a job! I applied to Jojos a couple days ago, and the next day I came back with my application and they hired me on the spot. I will be working the counter and answering phones. I'm happy I got a job thats close to home and my family is really proud of me :]
& I got my belly button pierced today! It hurt but i like it.
YEAH BYE |
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| Goodbyes are said - and roses thrown. |
[Apr. 22nd, 2011|11:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Coldplay- The scientist | ] |
I don't really feel like writing. *sigh* but I will.
My brother moved to Chicago for the summer. He might be back in August. But then he will move to Philly with his girlfriend Courtney in September. Whoope dee do0. It's sad. I miss him.
Joe Treen basically said he wanted to hangout with me tonight and I told him to text me once he got to Matty's. He never did. O. Well its probably because Matty turned into a huge DICK over the year. I will not pick up his phone calls in summer when he has nothing to do! Fuck Matty. And Joe, you're not even that special/cool so I don't even know why I want to hangout with you. Our conversations are never really that great. But I do love your company and your kisses. Very much so.
Day 2 of springbreak: boring. stayed in. watching a move that i've already seen with dad and kate -.-
Yesterday was my first day of spring break- well kind of. I had school but it was a half day. It was my first night lets say. I went to John Palladinos where he had a "party" fuck i hope this entry doesn't come up when that bastard google searches his name. Hi john. |
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| You sing while I drive. |
[Apr. 10th, 2011|11:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Katy Perry ft Kanye West- E.T | ] |
My brother has a lot of money. He works in the stock market and has a clothing line with a couple of his friends. One of his friends found someone interested in the clothing line and ran his mouth about my brother's great financial state. My brother met up with the man and said he was pretty charming. My brother looked him up today......and he basically was involved with the gang the Bloods, went to jail, did something bad involving money,and worked with other people who killed and kidnapped. My brother freaked out and is really paranoid right now. He said earlier today a group of people pulled over in a car and asked him for directions but weren't even listening to Mike's answer. My brother is staying in a hotel for a while and I can't be in the house either..... Goodie
This is kinda scary but I don't know how to feel |
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| And don't you dare say "we can just be friends." |
[Apr. 9th, 2011|10:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A Day to Remember - If it means a lot to you | ] |
Today was a pretty good day. I drove to the mall!
I really just want to start fresh. Fresh everything. I want to be happy, I want to have friends. I WILL be happy. I WILL get friends. I think about Robby probably 29302 times a day - it amazes me -.-
It's - for lack of better words, annoying.
I am djing an event for some festival at school! I forgot the date but I'm excited! :D
Wow I just rambled from topic to next. Ha
If I had one wish I'd wish for Robby to text me. & just say hi. That would make me so happy that I'd die. Is that too much to ask for?????? A simple hi?
I'll get it. I'll get the hi. |
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| Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. |
[Apr. 6th, 2011|07:14 pm] |
"She never smiled, and we could tell her laugh was fake."
Thats what they'd tell the newscaster
"She always mentioned death and wished she wasn't awake"
Thats what they'd tell my mother
"She was happy once"
Thats what they'd say at lunch
"It was my fault wasn't it?"
Thats what he'd grunt.
"No, she was deeply unhappy for some time now."
That's what someone would reply.
"She always swore she was fine."
"Have you ever looked at her wrists?"
Thats what someone would whisper
"She was perfect."
Thats what my bestfriend would hiss.
"I wish she was here, I loved her very much so. I can't believe she's gone - dead."
Thats what no one said. |
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| Dedication takes a lifetime, dreams only last for a night. |
[Apr. 5th, 2011|08:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejuvenated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | All Time Low- Stay Awake (Dreams only last for a night) | ] |
Robby is suspended for 3 days. That means I have a 5 day break of not seeing him. I think I need that. I guess I really have nothing else to say except I'm still deeply sad and Ilanatit is a cunt. Oh - AND I think I will make a bucket list. I think I need something to look forward to, or be optimistic about. Ya know? |
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| If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy then why the hell are you so sad? |
[Apr. 4th, 2011|08:43 pm] |
I am very tired. Flash backs and memories from Robby won't leave my mind. I would do anything for them to stop. It doesn't matter where I am, they will always enter my mind as if their demons ready to succum all my happy thoughts I had been working up to through out the day. I could be walking down the hallway and then BAM! Visions of Robby caressing my breasts and kissing them. I could be laughing in class with Greg and then BAM! You're not happy, remember? I could be walking up the staires and see Robby too many steps ahead of me. Too many. And remember when I was walking up those steps with him, hand in hand. Everyone tells me it's the relationship I miss and want, not him. Maybe their right. I don't know. All I know is that I'm deeply unhappy. And sometimes I feel like maybe I'm destined to be unhappy. It's in my bones, my DNA, to be depressed. That scares me. |
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| I said I'd never let you go, and I never did. |
[Apr. 3rd, 2011|12:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A Day to Remember - Have faith in me | ] |
I never hated my dad as much as I do now. When I was younger I used to somewhat understand I had a bad dad. But now I really see how awful he is. He's mean, rude, insane, physco, and just horrible. He's just the walking definition of an asshole. Anything I do will never be good enough for him. He deserves the worst events to happen to him. I wish him pure misery. That's harsh but he deserves it. |
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| I brought a knife to a gun fight |
[Apr. 2nd, 2011|03:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Silverstein- The End | ] |
Woah, am I actually doing this right now? It's been so long. A lot has happened. Last time I've typed on this thing was September. Woah. I've still been writing but I just started a real journal instead. But I just don't think the whole journal thing is me. It hurts my hand and I just never feel like doing it. I would always wish I never stopped writing on my online one.
I started seeing a counselor in November. About time. She's been pretty helpful. I started dating this kid named Robby at the end of January. We broke up a month later and of course knowing me, I wanted to die. I couldn't eat ever and my anxiety got the best of me. I lost a lot of weight and was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. My mom brought me to the doctors and I had to get blood taken and take a urine test to see if other things may be wrong. :o Eventually the anxiety subsided. I sit with Robby at lunch so it's hard. I'm not over him. I realize something is seriously wrong with me in the guy department. I'd read back on my past entries on here and all I'd talk about was boys. There'd be a new one pretty often too. Like I mean there would never be a break. I always say this but - if someone came down from above, like a god, and told me I wouldn't marry someone. That I would be single forever..I'd kill myself. I know this is wrong and not healthy. I need to talk to my counselor about this.
ANYWAY, Eric has been texting me and I haven't answered any of them and he won't get the point. There is nothing left to say to you! You have a girlfriend, why are you still trying to contact me? I don't understand. I really don't and I don't even feel flattered. I just feel annoyed. I don't know what he wants. I'm guessing for me to still be emotionally attached to him. Well, if that's it Eric, I haven't been emotionally attached to you for a long time. Goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeee
P.S
I haven't been happy for a while. |
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| When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew. |
[Sep. 7th, 2010|01:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Never shout never- The lousy truth | ] |
Today I talked to Senni about the whole Eric situation. I told her I want her not to feel guilty for having feelings for Eric and worrying constantly about how I feel - and go out with him. I told her I was upset the first time she talked to him because I still had feelings for him, he was my first boyfriend. She understands and apologized and kept thanking me that I told her this and that she feels so much better. I told her that it was okay because it's not right for me to be selfish and not want her to be happy. They both will be happy if they can be together. You can't help who you have feelings for. Maybe one day I will be in her spot. She didn't know how I was feeling when she first did this. She didn't know the thoughts that ran through my head, so I don't blame her. If she did, I hope things would of been different. But who knows. I just want to start fresh and I want her to be happy. I am over Eric. Someday, I may have a breakdown and miss him (for whatever reason) but hopefully I realize I am being very stupid. Eric is not for me. He can be very cruel to me and sometimes it hurts when he texts me and makes it clear he wants to hangout with me only to do sexual things. I hope he treats Senni differently. Thats all.
The Chloe and Carson situation was pretty bad. I called him and asked him if was true and he said no. Then eventually, he addmitted it but told me not to tell. Saying if I did he'd "slit my throat" and "hate me forever". I still told, and I know I did the right thing. Tori asked if we could still be friends and I said I couldn't answer that right now. I just need space. I'm dissapointed in her and I don't want her in my life right now. Chloe is already talking about taking back Carson which deeply frustrates me and dissapoints me. She is being very foolish. It is way too soon and she is forgetting he CHEATED on her. It's her life though. *Sigh*
School starts on Wednesday. I'm going to be a sophmore :o) Wow. I'm excited to see who's in all my classes. I'm smiling right now. Haha. I hope this is a great year. Please be.
Sam, I'm slacking on your entries. I need to catch up! I'll read them soon <3 |
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[Sep. 4th, 2010|02:47 am] |
Carson- one of my bestfriends
tori - one of my bestfriends
chloe - one of my bestfriends
chloe and carson go out. they have been for almost a year. carson cheated on chloe, with tori. and i was told. i was put in the middle.
What the fuck
I told Chloe and now everyone hates me. I just hope I did the right thing |
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| Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. |
[Sep. 3rd, 2010|05:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Brand New- The boy who blocked his own shot | ] |
I've been in a slump lately. Doing nothing. Going to bed at 4 am, waking up at 2 pm. Just having no motivation to do anything.
Tori texted me yesterday and she said she has to tell me something. That its the worst thing she's done yet, and that I will hate her. I don't really know how she could get worse. I don't know if I ever wrote about this but she had sex with this kid name Kevin. She was really drunk and I thought she'd learn from that mistake and stop drinking. She promised she would. A week later, she fucked him again. I don't know how she could do something worse than that. I told her she's changed a lot recently and she said "i know i know and i think thats why we have drifted because i know you don't wanna be around me when im doing that & i hate that we barely hang out..sounds pathetic but i feel lost with u sometimes." I said I understand, and I don't really know what to say. She said "um okay. and im sorry if you hate me." I said I don't.
I don't knooooooooooow what to do. I feel like this is where she needs her bestfriend most. But then again, I feel like I've tried so many times. I don't even want to deal with it. I just wish we could back to November when we'd have sleepovers and talk about saving our virginitys for someone that loves us, for someone that we love. I guess she's just growing up. Both of us are. & we're drifting a part.
I just texted her and asked if she wanted to come over so we can talk. Let's see what happens. |
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