The Social Network

Your Life on Display

Marcus and Amber Zuckerberg | Facebook



November 15th, 2010

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[Amber has been ignoring Marcus in general, which is easy since he's helpfully fled to the opposite coast. She has also been ignoring whatever is going on between him and Video Games. If Amber concerned herself with every girl Marcus chased after, she'd never have time to do anything else.

But that morning she wakes up to find no errors reported for any of the games on Facebook. No Farmville crashes, no Mafia Wars information glitching out. That is completely unprecedented. There are always errors and glitches; it's a normal part of online gaming. It's not Celes doing it, because Amber would have noticed the other god wound that deeply into Facebook's servers. It's Marcus. Sure enough, there seems to  be a lot less chaos on Facebook that morning, Marcus' drama machine slowing down. Amber raises an eyebrow. 

Well. This is interesting.]

I think it's time for me to take a trip to the Big Apple! Marcus, we're going to have lunch.

October 25th, 2010

Marcus: DOS and Troll All Nite

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Gene Simmons vs. Anonymous.

Apparently, Gene Simmons believes he can take on 4chan, and is throwing down the gauntlet.

Fuck. Yes. And it's not even my birthday. If this doesn't end with KISS, in full make-up, fighting off wave after wave of /b/tards in Guy Fawkes masks while armed only with their guitars and any STDs they have, I'll be so pissed.

October 19th, 2010

Amber: I am Facebook, king of kings

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According to XKCD, an ever reliable source for stick figures and geek humor, I take up a ridiculous amount of Internet interactions. I'm like Russia and China combined into one juggernaut.

Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair. 

There's another version, in which I seem less massive but appear to have laid waste to Myspace. I still like XKCD's version better, but I do like the inclusion of the Drunk Pictures Mountain Range in the latter.

Also, I want to vacation in the Maru Gulf. I like to think he'd bring me colorful drinks with his little paws.

October 5th, 2010

Marcus: The Social Network

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So, some of you may have noticed a little movie detailing Facebook's creation has come out. No big deal, you probably haven't even seen the ads. Not like they're everywhere and there's no escaping them.

$22,445,653 so far and set to climb, considering that it's actually getting good reviews. Color me surprised. When I found out they were making a movie about Mark and the creation of Facebook, I laughed my ass off and waited for the Razzie Awards to roll in. But here we are after opening weekend, and it's at 97% on Rotten Tomatoes. Who'd have guessed?

All right, so you took out most of the edits I made to the script, which wasn't a surprise because you hate things that are funny. But how come Mark comes off as such an asshole? How'd that slip through the cracks? I thought there was a whole "Don't show Mark being a douche in public because it looks bad for the site" policy, as you love reminding me.

September 23rd, 2010

Amber: Nothing to see here

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Sorry about posting twice in one day (What am I, Twitter?) but I just wanted to reassure everyone that the services outages are totally over and everything is fine. No reason to panic or freak out. On a site as big and heavily-trafficked as Facebook, there's bound to be a few glitches. It's all totally normal.

[Private, viewable to Marcus]
Jesus jesus jesus oh god fuck I can't feel my fingers or toes what the hell is this?!

Amber: Oh hello, irony

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That's right, Myspace.
You know who the boss is )

Mmm, victory. Everyone should go see The Social Network, by the way! It's a great movie, and almost 94% true!

September 22nd, 2010

Marcus: Would have been a hell of a party

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Girl Cancels Party after 21,000 RSVP on Facebook

Well fine, but your 21,000 closest friends are going to be bummed about getting uninvited. Especially me. I had so much fun RSVPing for that, and encouraging everyone I knew to do the same thing. Lame.

September 19th, 2010

Marcus: English (Pirate)

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[Never one to miss an opportunity, Marcus changes every Facebook user's language to Pirate, regardless of what the original language settings were. It entertains him immensely, and once the confusion and irritation start rolling in from all the people who have no idea what's going on, he feels better than ever.

The high ebbs off about 20 minutes later, which is how he knows that Amber caught wind of his little trick and fixed it. The e-mail from her isn't unexpected, but the message in it is.

This is the first thing you've done in about eight and a half months that actually made me laugh. But don't do it again."

His sister will, very occasionally, take him completely by surprise.]

September 15th, 2010

Amber: 'Facebook and other social media banned on a college campus for a week'

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Banning social media? Banning me? You think you can do that? You think they won't sneak away to use me? Stupid, arrogant fucking bastards, you think you can keep people away, even for a week? Never.

This is just smug, elitist behavior from an older generation terrified of the changes they're seeing in the world. They call Facebook 'evil' and try to pretend like I'm destroying the world faster than global warming and terrorism combined because they know they're losing power and there's nothing they can do to stop it. Facebook isn't going away. The Internet isn't going away. And all the whining in the world isn't going to change that. 

I'm going to Pennsylvania for a week. Let them see just how much they need me.

September 9th, 2010

Amber: Aging is not something that can ever happen to me. No. Never.

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This chart upsets me.

I know it shouldn't. It's so great that Facebook appeals to people of all age ranges. It makes me happy, and productive, and it's good for the site and the company.

But the average age of Facebook users is 38. What does that mean for me? What if I end up getting old?

Also, the only reason Myspace's average age is younger than mine is because the only people on that site are thirteen-year-olds and pedophiles.

September 7th, 2010

Amber: Too much fun

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Google, I spent like half an hour playing around with your logo when I originally just wanted to look up the recipe for snickerdoodles. I can feel my productivity dropping, darn you.

September 2nd, 2010

Marcus: I swear to God, my finger is crooked now

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[Blocked from Amber]

I set the bones in my middle finger (appropriate) along with all the other ones she broke, but it still looks off. All the rest are fine, but something is wrong with this one.

That bitch. Like anyone gives a damn about which ads get censored on Facebook. As long as they can stalk their friends and relatives, no one's going to leave. 

At least I've got plenty of Internet rage and idiocy to help me heal. A small sampling.

Mmm, tastes like drama.

August 26th, 2010

Amber: Mission accomplished

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I feel so much better now! It's nice to be back in control of things, at least as much I can be at any point. I've got a meeting with the executives tomorrow to talk about policy, which should hopefuly clear a few things up. I just want to apologize again for the mess this snafu about censoring ads has caused; that's not what Facebook is about.

You can come out of the basement when I feel like letting you out of the basement. You're lucky I gave you bandages.

August 25th, 2010

Amber: Apparently we're the morality police now

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It's so annoying to come off the wonderful high that was Facebook Places debuting (you're mine, Foursquare) to find this: 

Facebok Blocks Ads for Pot Legalization Campaign.

Firstly, they sure as hell didn't consult me about this. Apparently, I'm going to have to have a talk with some people about who's in charge the proper procedure for deciding this kind of thing. I'd never let them use Facebook to sell drugs (that's what Craigslist is for, people), but marijuana legalization is a perfectly legitimate political cause. 

And God damn it, how do any of those morons think alienating our users is going to help anything? Facebook didn't become Facebook by trying to force people to act or believe a certain way. I want all people and their delicious secrets, not just the ones the corporations really want as customers. It's not rocket science.

I just don't understand why anyone at the company would think I'd approve of this.

ETA: BRB, hurting Marcus.

August 20th, 2010

Amber: Facebook Places

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Facebook Places goes online.


I'm everywhere.

August 18th, 2010

Amber: Bad idea bad idea bad idea

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So, last night I decided to get revenge on Marcus for calling me a drug pusher (Farmville is not a drug. It is awesome and awesome people play it and you can use your crops to make cool designs. Hi, Celes!) and spammed him with links of one of the most terrifying things I know. Privacy settings Slender Man.

That was a mistake. That was a bad mistake and I'm sorry for making it.

There are so many windows here and he could be looking in through any of them.

I will just stay here with my back to the wall holding onto this knife until morning.

(OOC: Can't sleep, Slender Man will eat me)

August 16th, 2010

Marcus: Farmville's slimy underbelly

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6 Devious Ways Farmville Gets People Hooked.

Amber is a drug pusher, basically. She ruins lives. You shouldn't leave your kids alone with her, in case you come back to find she's sold them on the Internet to buy more squash plants to feed her habit.

Props to everyone at Zynga, though. You guys are unapologetically evil, and that's how I like my corporations.

August 12th, 2010

Amber: I hate nature

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Pea Plant Found Growing in Man's Lung.

Oh my God. Ew, ew, ewwwww.

That is so gross. This is just further proof that everything in the natural world is trying to kill us, and the sooner humans are living in a technological cyborg utopia, the better.

Do you see this kind of thing happening in Farmville? No, you do not.

August 4th, 2010

Marcus: Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble

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So, Amber's in New York pretending she knows a damn thing about web design. (Spoiler: She doesn't.) And I just feel so bored.

Would it be wrong of me to encourage the Oregon Tea Party to keep using 4Chan's slogan, stand up to their ~harassment~, and sit back to watch the fireworks? I think it would.

August 1st, 2010

Amber: Trip to New York!

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Oh, like this is such a big deal. Honestly, people want their information to be out there; it's why they post it online to begin with. This is just everyone panicking over nothing. I blame Marcus, because almost everything is his fault anyway.

Also! I'm in New York for a couple of days for a web design conference, if anyone wants to meet up? I'm probably going to skip a lot of the conference, because those are always sooooo boring. 
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