updating for the sake of updating?
I'm not really sure that I feel like updating, but i'm not really sure that i feel like anything at the moment. i don't know what's got me so off lately, but it's disturbing and i'm not sure what to do if it doesn't stop soon.

i need to go to bed, and i will not long after i post this entry.

i'm typing and leaving out words and letters and i find myself having to go back after each sentence and put in the words and letters that went through my head but didn't make it to the keyboard and the screen.

how come some things are so easy to bend to my will and some things are so hard? are there things that are impossible to bend? There are times--i know for sure, when i really put power into it--when i am a force of nature and nothing stands in my way. (people i've talked into coaching; going out to late-night post-drinking breakfast with maggie.)
Then there are the times like this, here, now--times when i feel so hazy that i'm not sure that i can even get myself off to bed without a dozen detours or that i can finish this entry in anything resembling a coherent fashion or that i can keep track of who i am anymore. i'm not sure i rightly know who i am anymore. i'm not sure i know who i want to be anymore.
i was so close to being ... different? better? better than before? stable? i don't know. i was close to something and right now, in this weak moment, it feels like it's slipping away.

And I feel
Like I'm slowly, slowly, slowly slipping under
And I feel
Like I'm holding onto nothing
She wore lemon