InsaneJournal

[uJ via Google cache] pendulum swings/life sucks
i know it’s just a down turn mentally. maybe it’s the neurochemical imbalance left by the lack of caffeine for almost two weeks now. it sucks.

i keep thinking that if i could go back two years to when i picked a school to start teaching at, the one message i’d most want to take back is "no, STUPID, anywhere but THERE!!"

i keep thinking that i went through two student teachings, through an ed minor, through a masters program, through all the training and professional stuff i’ve gone through to be here in this job that i used to love and somehow that part of it is gone.... the love of the job. i used to be able to honestly say at the end of most days that i loved my job.



i’ve almost never told anyone that i gave up full scholarship plus $15k/year stipend to a math PhD program to go into the teaching masters program i went into and paid for out of pocket. it’s rare that i think about what i’ve given up to become a teacher. but here i am thinking about it and it sucks.

it was worth it when it was a job that i loved. it was worth it when it was a job i didn’t hate. it was worth it when it was a job that had me working so many hours out of the day that i was choosing between sleep and work and not even beginning to think about calling a friend.

it was worth it when the job didn’t make me crazy and keep me too busy to get help.

i need help.... i need someone to tell me that i need help... i don’t know that i need help, but if someone i cared about and trusted told me that i really was losing it and i’m not just imagining that i’m losing it.... if someone i cared about and trusted told me that i should get help....

if i had five minutes when i wasn’t grading or planning or doing some dumbass committee work or falling asleep at my desk....

if i had five minutes to call someone and say.... something...

"hey, i hate to ask you this. this is gonna sound dumb... i think i need help... you know, help. what do you think?"

"hey, i really trust you and i need a favor... tell me to get help. please"

fuck.