what do you mean wreckless or careless? -------------- I never thought I could get sick like this again, I don't know if I'm wreckless or careless. I do have a few words to write while I'm controlling my vomiting & my shakes, I had fun the other night. Bottom-line,even if it only lasted a few seconds. I made the bg for this but it ended up being to short somehow. I think you would of liked it. I'm going to re-do it when I begin to feel a bit better. None the less, I'm off to wait.
you're gay stop reading this </entry> - So, Ive come to the conclusion my mom isn't half brain dead after all.. She had a very good point when she asked me if I had stopped caring about myself in all truth she's practically right. I'm on my downward spiral again & I'm hanging by a limb. I'm wondering how many times I'm going to have to kill a little bit more of myself before it stops this cycle. All in all my sinus infection is clearing quite nicely but the possible staft infection in my arm is slowly swelling up again. If the drinking don't hurt me that might just very well be the end of me. I've come to the conclusion that home made needles isn't worth the art; I'm quite bitter at the fact that I just wanted it covered up with something a little reassuring in my eyes. Frankly; I'm actually fed up with people telling me I need rehab as the saying has went for so long, rehab is for quitters an I'm not ready. I want to be at my pickled point so when I light my next cig I'll be so full I'll catch a blaze. It's almost comforting with the winter days appoarching a little to fast for comfort. I'm not ready! I finally gave up my flip flops today. I never in my life realized how much I hate socks & shoes, I hate losing the feel of air on my toes & grass tickling my feet when I just carry my sandals. I take stupid shit for granit. I have also made my mind up that I do not want to go to jail & I don't know how to avoid it. I dont have the guts or the pride to ask for help. I am not a begger. I've always been a chooser. I just having nothing left to choose out of my opitions. And; You're becoming my sanity again & it's almost to scary to fully accept. I am to afraid of having my spine back. I never truely told you how much you ever meant to me & I am not going to tell you today but apparently it's a great deal then we both ever wanted It's also a later journal date. I'm falling so hard again it's making my head spin. & I'm losing so much ground, it's leaving without me. I keep expecting you to walk back out as quick as you came in. I don't think that's happening this go around. If I have to suck in my fear & meet you in vegas I'm on my way. I'll be doomed none the less but the happiest I'll probably ever be in my life. This scene I keep putting myself into it's ridiculas & you keep saving me & I know you could keep me safe always if I was with you. I need you. I love you & I want you with me always. My soulmate. You are my goo center. You always did bring out the best in me. You gave me my confidence & my freedom to be who I know I am that I try so hard not to be. I'm a looney toon that loves to write such random shit & watch csi an be a house bum & live for gs. But the clock is ticking I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. I know you been waiting patiently for this for so long & it's been so over due for the both of us. I miss you darling. Thank you Blare for being my everything even though I denie you for the fear of me hurting you again. Your playlist from myspace.
- why i love you oh so much i dont know where to start. i might just end up making a list. my number one reasons are cuz after almost 4 years you're still crazy about me like im crazy about you, maybe even more. you still let me in when you're at your all time low. you put up with me being completely ga-ga over you in jealousy or just completely shut out. because you let me bring out the best in you all over again when you're reluctant to do so, which i think you bring out the best in me too though it doesnt show much. because when i wake up the first thing i think of is what you're up to n if you're ok... or because you wake me up at 3 in the morning, just to talk to me for even a minute, lmao. because you're always a mystery to me, i can never get bored with you... though deep down i know you like i know the back of my hand. because i think about you nonstop in the day pretty much, and i always have a gut feeling about things you do, your mood, how you are... anything before i even talk to you and end up being right. (but i keep nagging till i get it out of you teehee) which is where i guess the soulmate thing comes in.. and i do believe you are 110%. you always end up being in my dreams on days i get butt-hurt at what you say sometimes. the dreams are getting brutal though, you dont like me very much in them... i think i teased you too much in my last ones. (cough you still owe me your dream damnit) all the guys talk about their wives and their children so it sets me off on how it would be to be married to you n have an actual family. the person who you're trying so hard not to be is the best person i have ever met in my life. you're beautiful, cant forget that. your stubbornness is kind of a turn on.. shh your randomness in everything you do is cute as hell. your jealousy is cute as hell. you're cute as hell. i get angry at every guys name you bring up. i hate all guys that get to meet you before me. lately i been getting them urges of the "wanting you bad" thing goin on ahem ahem im aware that you cook now hahaha j/k right now im in lala land so i guess that will be about it for now. ive never felt the same way about anyone as i do for you i love you with all my heart My Music List loved
think you'll make it this Nov or is that too early?
- i was hoping for a long geejay message. anyway, if you do get your jeep will IT make it that long haul? LOL, I want too but if I don't get my jeep then no. I won't fly an I'd rather drive. ;/
- ivsny see what im typing Dear you too- why do you dread what i say n think. and why is the love story sick?! lol I WASNT FINISHED, LMAO. Dear You - I'm beginning to be ashamed of myself for the things I find ness. to tell you even though I dread the outcome of what you could possibly say or think about me. Then I realize the finale chapter of our sick love story, that you'll always love me no matter what becomes of me. Aslong as I don't become a junkie or to schiavoed from drugs to feed my own self.
- soo... anyway i went to a Redflag briefing (thats what the tdy is called) and, i found out where im staying which is fan-fucking-tastic..... and how much money im getting a DAY tehehe. we're staying on the strip, some hotel on flamingo ave. very nice place. and im getting $86 each and every day there! $1806 total, im going to be making bank the next 2 years!
- It took me 4 HIV tests out of the whole year? thats too much for a year... BUT it took 4 to finally get me a pretty green bandage this time! i have 1 more to go this year WTF? on another note, i had a dental appt today, they want to drill cuz the old filling looks like a cavity to them. then i had to get a flu shot only.. its the nasal shit. its starting to take effect and i want to ram my forehead into a wall.
- I LOVE YOU MORE. == I Love You
i dont really understand what happened. i went out to the piano bar with hahn. he called his lady and everything went downhill from there. we left and walked around pretty much the whole strip, i bought him all his beers the rest of the night. he just talked and talked and talked about the both of them and it got me depressed. he said the same thing i did in my last journal entry. he said he was jealous of all the guys around her when he isnt there and what do you know.. she wasnt all she was cracked up to be. we talked, i told him about all the stuff thats happened to me and it made him feel a bit better that he wasnt the only one. thats where i started to think about you, and all the guys you're around all the time. i got jealous like you do about the lieutenant. but i didnt want to say anything cuz it wasnt that big of a deal to me and i promised myself id trust you this no matter what since you tried so hard to earn the trust back. im over it. the guy im aware who you're around all the time, and share a bedroom with is your 17yo. yes im jealous of him, no im not worried about him. i was drunk that night so i may have worded shit wrong or said something weird. i really dont remember all i said, i just know this journal entry is what i was trying to say. i just shouldnt have said anyting at all. you're starting to be like me now, getting mad at everything though you insist on me telling you. i dont know if you're scared ill lash out like i did, if you just dont want anything to do with me, if you're just mad and its going to take a while. i dont know. i hate feeling helpless. im still waiting for even a hi from you even if you probly never will. i know you threw whatever feelings you had for me out the window. ill just have to suck it up and deal with that. but id rather you talk to me at all than just shut me out like you are. i just hate when you leave me hanging. i dont know what i can say to fix things, if i can at all.. im just truely sorry. you dont believe me i know, i just wanted to clarify things, i dont like ending on a sour note. i love you, im so sorry -B PS: if we dont talk, happy holidays in advance, hope you have a good one. discontent
- I haven't been able to get on this someone changed the pass for a few days, I know that I was typing the right one every single time. Anyways, I'm not mad or anything I'm just cooling off & it's taking me awhile for me to just be normal around you for now. But Hi none the less. I hope you do understand I have became a lot like you in a lot of ways, I'm just tired of things I guess. It makes me hurt/mad when people do what you did to me. I know I have a fucked up past but you & everyone else can't seem to let me live it down. I don't maybe you'll understand this maybe you won't but for now I just want to be left alone til I'm ready to stop being a hardass towards everyone. So, I'll ttyl. love love love.
- i guess i dont understand. what are you tired of, and what was it i did to hurt you, or are you talking about when i went off?
- Dont be like me. Cant stand me as it is, dont need 2. On another note, i thought about what you said a little bit more. believe it or not, i have come down from my high horse. sorry if it bothers you that i put it in relationship terms. however, you and me both are hesitant to get attached in fear of getting hurt, and we both made that clear. but thats how all relationships start out or rekindle. no one puts their guard down right away after a bad past. i know you have a guard up too or else you wouldnt be doing the hardass thing. i dont know who else is not letting you live it down. you have proven a lot to me though i try to be a dickhead and try n say otherwise when im a little sensitive lol. if you let me im going to make it a point to prove to you that ive stopped using it as my only defense toward you when i get butthurt. however im positive im over it. everyones got that fear, so ill still have it but thats just the emotion of jealousy in general. enough rambling, its the same whiney shit over and over again but im just trying to reassure you people make huge mistakes i know, its gotta be forgiven sometime. i forgive but its gonna take a little more time to forget. off to work, ttyl <3 we're in the same boat. dont be a turd.
- alright so...amanda messaged me sayin icky got sick and uhhh hes gone sad
- so last night was fun.. went to the old strip, got a yard-stick margarita. saw some local bands. got into a fight with army guys. went to the irish bar... danced with old chicks and some young. talked to some british guy about UFC fights.. had no idea what he said. hooked up with a girl im supposed to meet up with tonight. we're going to go to the rollercoaster on top of the stratosphere. should be nuts.. everything else is a blur good food, good sex, good night!
- weeew last week in vegas... mostly going to be working forever every day. wish you'd come off your bitchfest theres no reason to be there. you always pull this "i have to be a hardass and ignore everyone" at least twice a year. its the fucking holidays soon, grow a heart grump. or ill be calling you the grinch from now on.