InsaneJournal

XXVII; to early .private.
It's about 6 in the morning and sleep is no where close to me. Abby is here with me, she's sleeping on the floor next to my bed. Sammy got here late last night and is sleeping in one of the spare beds in my room.

I haven't really slept since my father went into the hospital and I haven't sleep maybe 3 hours since he died. I try, I do... and I can't. Rob is flying in this afternoon and maybe I'll lay down with him and try and get some sleep. I haven't cried yet... why haven't I cried yet? When Shannon died, I cried like a newborn. I think I'm still in shock from Thursday mourning when I finally went into see my dad. They said he was doing a lot better and they where going to take the breathing tube out that day. I went in to see him and 10 minutes passed of watching him then all the sudden his body jerked and the machines went off. He was having another heart attack.

I tried my hardest not to freak and yelled for help, I was shoved out the door by the nurses and one of the doctors and I stood and watched. I watched them work on my dad till they wheeled him out and took him for a scan. After that they took him to surgery to repair something... I can't even think of it now. We all waited, Abbey walked with me up to the nursery and we watched them clean two new babies that where born. I looked to my right and saw the family awing over the babies in through the window. I started to cry and Abbey pulled me away and we went back to the waiting room.

Soon as we got there the doctor was coming to talk to us. I saw it on his face... I stopped at the door and watched across the room as my mom fell into my brothers arms crying. I just turned and left. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to hear my brother say, dad is gone. I didn't want to hear my mom's heartache. Abby didn't follow, she let me be and I just started thinking. No more playing pool with my dad, no more playing poker with him on line, no more talks with my dad in our backyard.. on my old swing set... and no more of those daddies hugs no one can ever replace.

Sam showed up with tears in her eyes and I looked like I hadn't shed a one. I heard my mom and brother talking, my mom said it hadn't hit me yet and it will tonight at the viewing. I don't know why I'm not crying.. why I don't even have the urge to. My heart feels heavy and empty at the same time... I did laundry last night and I pulled one of my dad's shirt out of the dirty basket and it smelled just like him. So many memories came back to me and the last image I have of my dad alive, is on a bed with nurses and doctors working on me. I didn't want that to be the last image of my dad and it pisses me off.

Is it wrong of me to feel anger toward God? Is it wrong to ask him why? Why he took my brother who had a great life ahead of him, why he took my dad who was a strong man, who was my everything, my mom's everything, my brothers... I'll never have a dad walk me down the isle at my wedding. I'll never have my dad to pass my first baby to and say .. this is your grand daughter or grand son.

I miss you already.