InsaneJournal

Keely Ann Williams (keely__) wrote, @ 2008-09-08 22:48:00

XLI; thoughts (private)
I got my beach house. Soon as I saw it, I feel in love with it and put a bid on it soon I stepped out the door from looking at it. Friday I went and bought furniture for it re-painted a few rooms. I was going to have Sammy help me, something we both can do together and she's disappeared. I'm not sure where, I can't get a hold of her. Her phone is off and she's not texting me back. No one is really sure where she is but I'm hoping she's ok. She's the best friend I've ever had and I don't know what I would do if I lost her.

I got a new one ripped after my rant on air the other day. I don't know what came over me, I guess with everything that has happened.. I just lost it and went off. My manager almost dropped me because of it. I made my apologies and even called Ryan up and apologized to him for my outburst. He said it was fine and that he understood.

Ever since I went to Vegas and drank, when I really shouldn't have... I'm drinking shots where and there. I waited till little bit was out of the house, I didn't want him finding it cause every now and then he would come into my room. But the day he left to go to his dad's, I went and bout me three bottles of Jack, Jim, and vodka. I'll get to a point I realize I need help but I won't stop. It's like when I realize I need help, I drink even more. Then I begin to think of diffrent things. I'll think of my dad and burst into tears, wishing he was here so he can tell me what to do. So he can yell at me and tell me what I'm doing is wrong, even though I know it is wrong. He always seemed to make me really realize it and pound it into my head.

Then I begin to think about where I'm at in my life. I want to settle down. I want to be a fiance, a wife, a mother. My luck with men is horrible and it seems I'll never be any of those. I'll always have the little relationships. It's like after being with someone for a certain amount of time, I drift from them. We drift apart. We never have anything in common. Phone calls end up us sitting on the other end being silent. When where together, I'm doing something and he's doing something and we don't speak for the whole day.

I want to know what is wrong with me. Why I am the way I am. Why I can't have a normal relationship with someone. Why it seems the men I do come around... doesn't want me, doesn't find me attractive or even think of me as more then a friend or a fuck. Why can't I be that girl?