Growing up, I never was one of those girls that sat around and fantasized about their wedding or having a family. I do remember every now and then I would wonder, and that was about it. But the last couple of years has been nothing but a roller coaster for me. I sat back as I watched my life fall apart. I watched as I became jealous of others. Jealous of Sammy because she was once married and had a son. Having her live with me and Kyle being there, playing in a for I made out of blankets in the middle of the living room. Coming up with weird things to make in the kitchen and Sammy walking in on us, the kitchen a mess and whatever we are eating covered all over us as we sat in the kitchen floor. It was like having a little brother but I got a few glimpses of me as a mother. Waking up to Kyle curled up against because we fell asleep in the fort.
My brother died and I found myself blaming his death on me. That it was my fault, that I should of said 'Yes, come over and hang out,' only for him to go out and get drunk and get in that car wreck. By the time I was letting my mind settle with the fact he is gone and my father left us. It felt like my heart was ripped out. I lost two men in my life that I loved more than anything. All I had left was Nicholas and Rob. But at the time, Rob and I we where at a point where we just didn't talk. Nicholas was my rock when I lost them. He was there with a shoulder for me to cry on.
Leaving Rob was the hardest thing for me to do. I hardly cried when my father died but I cried my heart out when it hit me, Rob and I where over. I spent months numb to the world thanks to Jim and Jack, it took a fake marriage to snap me into reality and tell myself I need help and I got it. I did it on my own with a little help from my dad and my little brother. Sammy became pregnant, I would watch as Jaisen stood at her side, rubbed her belly and watched how Sammy grew with such happiness and I wondered, would I ever be able to have my own child. To feel a baby move inside me, to be in that room with the father of my baby and hear it's heartbeat for the first time. I was beginning to accept the fact that would never be me, not until that night we finally talked and I began to imagine what kind of wedding I wanted and he gave it to me.
Am I being selfish that down the road... I want to be a family, I want a child with the man I love. A child to call our own and watch grow? Yes, I guess it is selfish of me and I deserve what has happened. A week before the wedding I went to the doctor to get birth control. Not because I knew he didn't want kids. I didn't know he didn't want kids. I get that he doesn't want to be a father that isn't always there. Then again, just about every guy in wrestling has a family, a strong family. They have a wife, they have kids and they are in their lives and they are wonderful kids. I sit in the back and watch as they show pictures of their kids and everyone awws. Here I am being selfish again.
When I went to the doctor for the birth control, I needed a full check up and he asked me about my last period. When the nurse asked, I told her August 4th and there it was, almost Thanksgiven and no period since August. They did a pee test to make sure I didn't have an infection or pregnant. I knew I wasn't, it had been a long time since I had sex. I knew I wasn't pregnant. The doctor said he wanted to run tests and he did. Blood works, pee samples, ultra sounds. That's when they saw my ovaries where showing sign of PCOS, I didn't get my period till January 15th and it hurt like hell. They always do and I always push pass the pain and pretend I'm in no pain while popping pain killers the doctor gave me for the pain.
Maybe I deserve all of this. Maybe I deserve to not have children. I kept something from everyone, from him. My husband. Why? Honestly, I was terrifyed. How was I going to tell the man I was marrying, that I married, that he may never have a kid because I can't give it to him. That I failed him. That I failed my family, his family, for not able to give them a grandchild, a niece or nephew... a cousin. That I can't give my husband a little girl to call his princess like my father called me or a little boy he can play catch with and watch wrestling with. Or the fact I couldn't give myself a child. That I hold Bella and my heart feels warm and I think to myself, this is what it's like to hold a baby and what it would be like to hold my own baby. To see my husbands eyes light up when I bring our child into the world.
We talked, we said we would wait for children and I agreed and still agree. If anything.. I want a year of being married and settling into the marriage before even trying. But when I saw what he put up, about Tori and Rome having twins... I don't know why. It just rubbed me the wrong way. It made my stomach knot up. It made me shake. I know he didn't want to make me fell bad or come off as an ass... but he did and to me. I left. I left because I couldn't stand the fact that he would look at me and not want children with me. For him to touch me and know he doesn't want children with me. I avoided him because I didn't want him to see me hurting.
I threw the divorce thing out there. He is the first to say it. I told him the filming was being moved up and I was going to Boston. When I told him while I was gone, he took it as me leaving him. I never called my lawyer, even though I had the number ready... I didn't call.
The doctor has me on medicine for the PCOS. But I need to have minor surgery to get rid of the cysts. I did call today and made an appointment for the end of February. I called Angie about it and she said I can take a break if the filming in Boston isn't done. I need to head to bed now. I have to be up early to get everything and held to the airport to go to Boston. Maybe this time apart will do some good. Maybe things will change for the better, at least I'm hoping it does.
He asked me why I married him. I told him the truth. Because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the man I fell in love with and still in love with. Now look at us. Daddy... talk to me, help me understand everything.