InsaneJournal

XXIV; uncomfortable (rob, sammy, tyler, & abby)
I had lunch with Nick yesterday, I've been home for a week and since Sam is still in France. I told her I was going to go home an let her enjoy her vacation, I dind't want to ruin it. It's so beautiful over there, last thing I wanted was for Sammy not enjoy her vacation cause I couldn't move around. Nick and Jeannie have been letting me stay at their place, Jeannie doesn't work and so they made me come and stay so I have someone with me all the time. I still have trouble going up steps and trying to sit down and stand up. You would think I would be use to it since I dislocated my knee last year.

While at lunch, Nick kept asking me what was wrong. I kept telling him nothing, but I was only lying to him. I should of known better, him and Shannon always knew when something was wrong with me. About twenty minutes of him prying it out of me, I finally told him. I told him everything, I told him how I fucked up so badly with Rob, how I had sex with Tyler and then yelled at him for making me feel like his warm up, yelling at him saying I didn't want to be the other woman. When in reality, he was the other guy. I don't look at him as a rebound, he's not, I care about Tyler, part of me always will. He's been there for me, even when I've done nothing but push away and hide my feelings.

When I first met Rob, I didn't expect to even be his friend and I was. I didn't expect us to get as far as we did, I didn't expect ending up so far apart. After lunch with my brother and we went home, I had him help me out to the back yard, where I sat and with my feet in the pool and watched the birds and the clouds. My mind wouldn't stop racing, in fact I have a migraine for thinking so much and for crying my heart out. God don't let me take anymore pain killers. I have always looked at myself as one big fuck up, every since I was a little girl. I seem to do everything wrong, accept for acting. It's the only thing I've been good at. I've been good at pushing people away, hiding my feelings, keeping my feelings to myself. I'm perfect for having so many flaws. I know no one is perfect and everyone has flaws, but it seems I'm a flaw.

I fell for Rob and I never got over him. My heart won't let me. I never tried to replace him with Tyler. I don't think I did. I just never thought I would talk to Rob again and I'm not even sure I will. At least not past commenting to each other on our journals. I'll probably loose Tyler as a friend, I don't want to but if he sees this, I'm not sure he'll like it. In my head I know what I want, but deep down I doubt it will ever happen and I'll be fine with just being friends with Rob. I doubt will ever go back to the way we where, I don't expect it. All I want is for Rob and Tyler know I care about them, that I want to be their friend and be there for them the best I can. Even though I've probably, no, I have hurt them both.