XXVI; my thoughts consume me & you are loosing me (private)
I've been in New York since Friday night, we started filming Saturday, we want to get this done as quick as we can. With my leg we where set back and behind on filming. Right now I'm sitting in our 'mobile' trailer and waiting for everyone to get ready.

Me and Tyler have been fighting since I posted in here last, when I'm opened up to him, Rob, Sammy, and Abby. I let them see because they are my best friends right now, I trust them. I know they aren't going to go and blab stuff to everyone or to tabloids. Ty texted me last night saying we needed to talk, that it was important. I told him when I get back, but ten minutes later I hear a knock on the door. I open it and it's him, standing there. I slammed the door in his face, but he came in anyways and pinned me to the wall.

I tried to fight him, even knee him in the crotch but because of my leg I couldn't. He told me to stop and I did, then exchanged words and talked. I told him I was sick of how people yell at me to open up, to say what I feel and when I do, I get yelled at. I told him I was tired, tired of dreaming, tired of wanting, tired of fighting. I guess in our own little way, we apologized for everything.

He was tired from his flight, he kept saying he could go and I told him only if he wanted to. We laid down on the bed and just laid there. I didn't say anything to him, I just laid there staring at the window... thinking about him. I never once thought of him while with Ty, but last night I did. Maybe it was because we where talking about him, how I wished Ty was Rob. But it wasn't true. Maybe I didn't explain everything good in my last entry. It wasn't till I sat and talked to Nick, wasn't until I sat outside for so long and thought... and realized that maybe part of me loves him. I care for Ty, I do... but what do you do when the man you where falling for sorta comes back into the picture. When you start talking to him and all the sudden everyday you think of him, wonder if he's ok, want to hear his voice, want to feel his arms around you, holding you at night.

I don't want to hurt Ty or Rob, I don't want to hurt myself. God Shannon, where are you when I need you the most.