InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I promise."

Thames (thames_) wrote,
@ 2023-11-15 12:06:00

T H A M E S

b a s i c s

Name: Thames Charoen
Date of Birth: February 3, 1994
Age: 29 (real and apparent)
Gender: nonbinary
Species: Human
Special Powers: None
Owner:

sanguinekiss
Residence/Location: Territory 4
Occupation/Position:
Other: (denote any alliances or other information that could be useful)

a p p e a r a n c e

Thames is trying to figure out their style. They really hate this question because for them, trying to figure out who they are, they question themselves far too much on what makes the appearance of gender? If they were male, then their hair would be considered long but if they were female, their hair would be considered short. They suppose they are wearing more traditionally masc clothing but sometimes they liked to wear a bit of make up, or a crop top or just something that is deemed femme in clothing. The question is: is it either, truly, male or female? And does that change who they are if they dress more femme or masc one day? Gender is confusing.

Physically, they have dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. They are 5'6".

p e r s o n a l i t y

Thames wants to believe in happiness. They want to believe that there is a spot for everyone in the world and that spot is where they will be happy. They are trying to find theirs. They took their first step and working on it.

Thames is shy. They are happy at home or just with a few friends. They tried the social thing and it was loud and not so much for them. Thames is opinionate, however, and is not afraid to speak said mind. They had more than one discussion about what Boone is doing and what their opinion is, which basically is, they think Boone is terrible and horrible for what he is doing and he needs to be stopped.

Thames is an Aquarius and very much embodies their sign. Thames is not entirely sure if they believe in the zodiac but they know that it seems to be a very good starting base when you are getting to know people.

b i o g r a p h y

Thames had a pretty normal childhood, all things considering. They were six when the war happened and don't remember much of life before the war. They do remember during the war, they would sometimes hide in the basement, especially at night. Their town was taken by supernaturals and all were vetted, some were claimed, most got to live their normal lives as long as they didn't disrupt things and just obeyed the rules.

Thames was the youngest of four. They did well in school. They got good grades and did extra circulars and things were good. So they thought. Sure, they weren't happy but who was? Truly? Besides, they were young. They had time to be happy. They would be happy later. Once they had their career choice. Once they were living on their own. They could picture that life; being able to do all the things they weren't able to do now because they were too young or whatever. Happiness would come later.

They never really had feelings of hating their body. Or feeling wrong in their body. Not like that. It was more of just general feelings of feeling like they didn't fit. Their name didn't fit them. They weren't what they felt like inside their head but that was normal, wasn't it? Teenagers always felt out of place. They were still figuring out who they were. That was the same for them. They would figure themselves out later. When they were on their own. When they were older. That's how it worked, right?

They went to school, not really sure what they wanted to take but figured they would take something that was interesting enough. They had time. There was time later to figure things out. They lived at home while they went to school and, yeah, there were times they wished they could do something more, something different. For example, there were looks they really liked but they couldn't do it. Their job wouldn't let them. They didn't want the comments at home. No one would go with them. It wasn't right.

They got a job. They sat at a desk. They moved out. And happiness didn't come yet. So they dated. They met someone. Yet happiness did not come. Not really. They were content. But were they happy? Not really. Then they were proposed to and they said yes. That's what one did, right?

Yet as the wedding approached, they couldn't help but think that they weren't really happy. Was this really the life they wanted? A feeling of panic welled up in them. But what could they do? They did really like the guy they were with. He was a good guy. But. What would their friends think? What would their family think? And what would happiness actually look like? The walls were closing in. What could they do? Honestly?

It was late one night. They couldn't sleep. Work was quickly approaching, as was the time they would have to get out of bed. They were going to be a wreck and the thought hit them. They could leave. What a terrible thought! What a terrible thing to even consider but - but why not? They were trapped here in the shell of a person they created but they weren't. They weren't this person at all and they could never figure out who they were if they stayed. If they stayed here, they would always be haunted by the person they were pretending to be instead of being the person they could finally be. No more waiting. No more later. It was now. It was always now but they just had to take it.

They went to work. They drank coffee. They sat at their desk and pressed buttons on their keyboard. They couldn't shake the thought. So they went to the barber after work and cut their hair short and added some colour to their hair and they loved it. It was different. Looking in the mirror, it made them smile. Yet when they told people about it, they got "oh my god! why would you do that?" "The wedding is so soon! What were you thinking?" The joy they felt disappeared.

Over the next few weeks, it felt like small rebellions and for a bit, it felt like they were winning. Maybe the cage they built themselves, maybe it wasn't a cage. Maybe it was a corner. Maybe they were backing themselves out of the corner. Maybe it wasn't as dire as it felt. Then one of their friends approached them and asked what was going on, why the changes, weren't the things they were doing a bit... childish? Weren't they concerned how their fiancé would feel? Weren't they afraid of what work would think? The questions piled on and the weight felt too heavy. They apologised and went home, feeling small.

They couldn't sleep. They scrolled on their phone and stared at the secret Pinterest board of inspiration that they had built. What struck them was how Pinterest had picked up certain themes and screamed it out at them, without them putting it in. Terms like non-binary. They stared at them. They knew what it meant, of course. You had to be living under a rock not to know that there was discourse with all that. Yet it never affected them. They were an ally, sure, but they were female. Cis hetero female. That was their label. It was a no brainer, really. And yet.

And yet. Why did they feel something when they looked at those pictures? Why did they feel like that could be them but in another life? Why did it feel like it was something they wanted but they couldn't have? But that was crazy, wasn't it? Like, they had their entire life up until now. They were content in their own skin. Or so they thought. So they told themselves. How did they know this was real? How did they know this wasn't some sort of phrase? Some very early midlife crisis? It wasn't like they had body dysphoria. It wasn't like they wanted to be a boy. God. When they thought about it, they didn't even understand how gender worked. What was a boy versus a girl? What made them "girl" and not "boy"? If gender was a social construct, then could they even feel "girl" or "boy"? What about those stories of people, knowing as a child, that they didn't fit into their gender? What right did they have to even think they were anything on the queer spectrum? They didn't. They didn't belong.

The thoughts festered in them. Questions of gender envy, of who they were, how did they know who they were, how come they couldn't just have a note handed to them and explained to them? They stood in the wedding shop, trying on dress after dress and it sat heavy in them. They wanted to scream "I'm non-binary!" but it felt fake. It felt wrong. It felt like they would be shunned and ridiculed. How did people do? How did they make that first step? How did people just know who they were? How did they risk everything? So they kept quiet.

The wedding drew closer and they felt unhappy. They weren't happy. They weren't content. They tried to be. They tried to do all the things they did before to be happy but it felt like ill fitting clothing. A new thought festered, what if they were blowing up something that was no big deal into something huge? What if they were making it bigger than it had to be? What if it really was no big deal?

They decided to find out. They took the weekend and drove to the biggest city and decided to check out the queer scene. Saturday, they felt like a horrible sore thumb. They felt like they didn't fit. They stared at the rainbow flag and felt like a fake. They didn't belong here. Look at these people living their authentic lives and what were they doing? They went back to their hotel room and were about to pack up to go home when they hesitated. They changed their outfit, something baggier to hide their shape. They slicked back their hair, which was growing out again, to something a bit more masc. They didn't quite look like themselves in the mirror and they felt like they were an imposter but maybe for tonight they could be someone else.

They want to say that night Thames was born but Thames was always who they were. They met some people and just talked and hung out and when they introduced themselves as Thames, it felt right. The next day they would tell themselves it was because they were playing "make believe" but they weren't. They knew in their heart they weren't.

When they got home they went online and got one of those pronoun buttons that said "they/them" and it made them feel better. But of course they couldn't use it. It had to be hidden away. But when it arrived, they stared at it. Why couldn't they? Why couldn't they be Thames? Why couldn't they be the person they were?

Telling their fiancé was the hardest thing they had to do. They thought they were talking to their best friend, to the person that might understand them but there was very little understanding. There was accusations of lying. There were a lot of tears and needless to say, the engagement ring was left behind when they left. They couldn't be with someone who couldn't understand them, who wasn't going to be there with them. Then the calls from friends and family came in and it was just more of the same. Including, "tell me why you feel like this? Well, if you can't really explain it, why are you doing this?" And accusations of just following a trend. And accusations that there were only two genders, and they were born a female and that's that. It hurt.

Thames knew their next choice was not mature. It was not the best but they made arrangements to move. They gave notice at their job. They gave notice at their apartment and they moved. They were going to find their own happiness. They were going to find themselves. If they had to do it alone, they would but from now on, they were going to be Thames.

Thames moved to New York City. Where else is best to find yourself where there were a thousand options to be yourself? Maybe it wasn't the best place - they had heard all the stories about weird magic that happened and the upheaval of power but this was where they could find themselves. This was where they would.

o o c

player: Dani
age: 30+
contact: discord
timezone: EST
played-by: Jeff Satur
coding:

fenostol@

rp_tutorials