Title: Counting Calories
Timeline: Post-308
Warnings: Stupid, stupid crack.
Author's Notes: Based on a plot bunny by ohfreckle at qaf_bunnies. Justin refuses to give Brian any more blowjobs, because he's afraid his ass will get fat from the additional calories. I hope you like it, my dear!
Equal parts thanks and apologies to my beta xie_xie_xie.

I have been working on a fic for a long time. This isn't it.



*

Brian's arm stretched out across the sheets, searching for Justin to take care of his morning hard-on, but he was nowhere to be found.

He wandered naked into the bathroom to take a piss, scratching at his chest, and found Justin standing naked with his back to the mirror, staring hard at his reflection and wiggling his ass back and forth.

As enticing as that was, it was also kind of unusual. “What the fuck are you doing?” He lifted the lid and started to piss.

“Does my ass look bigger?” He wiggled again.

“Bigger than what? Mine, yes. A two-door compact, no.”

“Brian!” Justin slapped Brian hard on the arm as he washed his hands.

“Ow. Watch it. Why don't you stop staring at your ass and come eat mine instead? Or better yet, my cock.”

“I can't,” Justin said with a sad shake of his head.

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because I've been blowing you too much, Brian. My ass is getting fat from all the calories!”

Brian's eyes widened in disbelief.

“I'm sorry, Brian. Really. But I can't blow you any more,” he said. And walked out of the bathroom.

Brian stood open-mouthed. A rare phenomenon lately.

Brian found Justin in the bedroom, getting dressed. “You're leaving?”

Justin nodded. “I think it's best. I mean, I can't blow you, not for a few weeks at least, not until my ass gets back to its regular size. And, well, being around your cock and not being able to suck it – I don't think I can handle the temptation.”

“Justin,” Brian said, voice soothing, like when he talked to Gus. He approached Justin slowly, hands up in a non-threatening pose. “Justin, don't be silly. You can't get fat from semen. There are hardly any calories in a load.”

“How do you know?”

Brian shrugged. “I googled it once.”

“But Brian, that's one load. You and I both know I take a lot more than one load every day.”

Brian looked proud. “That is true.”

Justin frowned. “No. My mind's made up. No more blowjobs.”

Justin swung his bag over his shoulder, ready to leave. Brian looked like a boy whose puppy just died.

“I'm sorry. I'll see you in a few weeks.” Justin headed for the door.

“Wait!" Brian took off after him. He grabbed Justin by the arms and halted his progress.

“I'll make you a deal. For every blowjob you give me, I'll give you two.”

Justin's brow furrowed. “Huh?”

“Double or nothing.”

“How's that supposed to fix my fat ass?”

“Your ass isn't fat! And this way I'll prove that come doesn't make you fat. You know I wouldn't eat anything I thought would make me fat, right?”

Justin cocked his head to the side. “Well, okay, I guess we can give it a trial run.”

Brian let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding.

“Okay. Okay, good,” he said, and proceeded to pull Justin's clothes off while dragging him back to the bedroom.

“Well, you better go first,” Justin said with a sweet little smile.

As Brian got to work Justin mentally patted himself on the back. Withholding sex has worked for centuries, he thought. After that, all he thought was “Mmmmm.”