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I got brass knuckles hanging from my neck on my chain... [24 Jun 2008|09:56pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | Good Charlotte // Good Morning Revival ]

Gahhhhhhhhh!!!! I'm getting so annoyed working on this effing portfolio. But I have to do it, I HAVE to because I keep putting it off the more I lose that SC vibe. And the more I put it off, the worse I feel. Ugh. I've been going at it for about 2 hours though, so at least that's good.

I have to do it though. I'm about to reach my breaking point at Sears. And no doubt, at home. I have to get a real job. I'm just so frustrated right now.

I'm trying to fix a magazine cover design I did...and it's just not working. I emailed a friend from school to get her opinion, which helps. I think it's as good as it's gonna get, which still isn't good enough for me, but oh well.

Also, have you ever seriously doubted where you're going in life? I mean, I was originally a journalism major. And I wonder what would happen if I quit art entirely and focused on writing. When I was writing all the time, I was good at it. I'd get A's on my papers, and was even the envy of my journalism class. Why did I stop? For two reasons. 1, I discovered the love of graphic design. 2, I got scared. Story of my life.

But seriously, how the frak am I supposed to know if I'm doing the right thing? I know I'm re-thinking this because of the pressure. But there are other doubts weighing me down. And what if this ISN'T what I should be doing? What if I got off my ass and started writing my stories?? What if that spark would be rekindled?

Guhhhh I'm not in the place to experiment, because I know myself. I'll get partway into something and lose interest. I just can't do that. I HAVE to get somewhere and soon. With Graphic Design, I already have the degree. I almost have the portfolio.

I so wish I wasn't such a 'fraidy cat in high school. If I wasn't, I would have stuck with singing lessons, acting lessons, drawing, etc. And I'd probably kick ass at them by now. Ugh. That's one thing I really struggle with not regretting. I know everything happens for a reason, but all those things deliberately did NOT happen because of my fears. Lame lame lame. It makes me so mad at myself.

If I dwell on that, I get sooooo sad, and I REALLY feel regretful. But I can't have that, because I can't change it. So, I'll go back to this portfolio work, and hope that it stops pissing me off long enough for me to get somewhere....

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