InsaneJournal

Current mood:

anxious

For when I am weak...
Yeah yeah I know. Three entries in one day. BUT if you think about it, this is the only one that counts because the first one was a rant, and the second was a review. Am I right? Am I right?!

Well I'll just say I'm right.

So I was just thinking about how I should read while waiting for the butthole to show up with the money he now owes my mom. I didn't want to start my next book yet ("Specials", the third in the "Uglies" series), so I considered reading more in my, what I suppose you could call, self-help book.

*shudder*

I instantly froze up with a feeling which was once disguised as "I don't feel like it". But now that my eyes are opening up a bit to the situation, I realized that it was fear. Congratulations, dear readers, you get a little insight into the crazy world that is me.

Yes, I'm afraid to read the next section of this book. Why? Well simply because I'm afraid it'll be a malicious little page and it will bite me. I don't like papercuts.

Yeah I wish that was the reason lol.

The next chapter in my book teaches me how to cope. AKA, how to CHANGE. How to stand up for myself and make myself my own person, separate from my mom. Even typing it caused a stabbing of fear.

Weird, eh?

Not really. Not with how I was raised. Do I really want to go into it? No, not at all. But I suppose I should, to be fair. But only a little bit!

Basically when my father passed away, the roles were reversed. (Heart rate now speeding up). I was no longer the child, I was the parent. It was up to me to make my mom happy. (There go the sweaty palms). She... well let's just say that things haven't really changed much. (Cue the taste of fear on my tongue).

That's about all I can do. Do you see how bad it is? I feel a lot of fear and guilt just TELLING somebody about it. Which I guess is why I should write about it more. But not now lol.

Back to the fear of change. I was raised to be dependent, not independent. To fear everything. That it was wrong to go out and have fun while my mom was at home. I'm expected to read her mind and know what she needs and follow through with them. OMG the fucking guilt for putting all this down. I think my hands are shaking.


Where's my brother-in-law????


So basically. If this chapter causes me to grow as a person, it will separate me from her. For twenty-some years I was taught to never ever do that. Hence, reading the Chapter O' Change = YIPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. I'm going to hit that little "post button" before I freak out and delete this whole thing. I have to write about it, it's good for me.

Good good good.

Yeah whatever.