Gahhhhh!!! I don't know why, but I'm in such a fit of rage today. Last night I was cranky and now I'm downright... well, infected with rage. Like in "28 Days Later". Did anyone see any crazy monkeys around here?!

I'm really hoping that it's a sign that my period is about to come back. I do NOT want to get those hormonal tests, because that means more doctor visits and doctor bills on no insurance. Bah. Fuck that.

Today at work was Just Reduced day. Every Monday we have to scan aaaaaallllll the merchandise on the floor to see if the price went down. For each piece, it goes down a month. But for some reason every FUCKING tag from July 9th WOULD NOT FUCKING SCAN!!! I was getting so mad. I very nearly threw the stupid snic on the ground and was gonna pretend it was an accident. Everytime you CAN'T scan the shit, you have to manually put in the division number, the model number, and the four-digit number that distinguishes tags from each other. OMG I was so pissed. I remember thinking about how some people can see auras, and if anyone walked in the same room as me, they'd probably go running for cover. Yeah. I was THAT pissed.

I still am, but at least now I'm not at a boring as fuck job where the time is dragging on and on and on and fucking on.... Here at least I can have my music, my movies, my books, my Internet. All that stuff is gooooooood. Oooo I could even take a nap! Mmmm...nap.

This is my third day reading Twilight, and it feels weird because the last few books I read I finished in 2 days, or 3. If I don't finish it tonight I'll get super-impatient and want to hurry through it. Maybe I'll read some and then get reeeeeally tired and then fall asleep and stuff....idk lol.

But gahhhh I don't know about this. Vampire love stories can never end well lol. Unless the vampire becomes human, but...I only liked that the one time in Angel. It made me cry :( Maybe in LJ Smith's books the vampire-human thing worked out...I can't remember though it's been YEEEEEEEEEAAAARRRRRSSS since I read those. And OMG I saw "The Vampire Diaries" at B&N and omg omg. IT HAD A NEW COVER!!!!!

Okay you're probably thinking I'm a spaz, but I thought all of LJ Smith's books were going out of print, and now..... there's A NEW COVER!!! I like it better lol.... but how sensible is it to re-buy the thing just cuz it's prettier?? Probably not very, but I so would...

Ahhhh I just got an email from my aunt. Here, you can read it :)

Hi Jackie,
The keychain you sent Ann (she received it today) is wonderful. I would like to hire you for a project. I need about 67 placemats with a family tree on it and fall colored leaves. It's for our Thanksgiving table at (hopefully) the Marriott in Livonia on Nov. 27th. I would like the placemats laminated. Is this something you would be interested in doing? I think I would, also, like a keychain for everyone but need to think that through a little more.
LAP

I'm gonna be hired again! Woot! At this rate I'm gonna have material for a whole new portfolio before I even get the first one printed!!

This news has made me happier. I'm gonna go before that changes, cuz I can still feel the fire inside....

Man, am I ever addicted to Word Twist on facebook! It's sooo much fun. I'm currently tied with another friend for 127 points. I'm determined to beat that, buuuut it's not as easy as it would seem.

So I gave Scott's sister, Emma, a graduation card, and his family gave one to me. I miss them so much. I wish someone would give him a lobotomy so that he would become the perfect guy and then I could go back with him lol. I know it's bad wanting to date a guy for his family, buuuut... they're so great. Ooo maybe we don't know this but he has a twin brother.... a GOOD twin, and they were separated at birth! Guh... one can dream, no? Anywho, in Emma's thank you card she mentioned that maybe I'll design a book cover for her one day...which would rock. She wants to write a book, and maybe edit them too? I can't remember if that's what she said, but either way, that's the field she wants to go into. On that note, miss Candy, if you get to choose who designs your covers, give me a call :D

I really need to get this portfolio done to prove my damn therapist wrong. By the time I go back I want to be able to say not only is it done and printed, but it's submitted to publishing houses in Michigan and Texas. My friends are so great, they made me feel a lot better about the situation, and reading Molly and Emma's messages made me happy as well. All of it gives me hope that I can, in fact, be normal. And not just normal, be totally awesome. I want to be awesome!! And I want to know it, but not be a bitch about it.

I also want to write more. I have an idea for a book but it'd be horror/suspense and I dunno if I'm any good at that. I suppose I can try though, and Laura would totally be able to help me out. And Katherine. They loooooooove the scary movies so it'd be a good choice (and yes Candypants, you would get to read as well...obviously :)

I just wish I could get the strength, courage, and determination to do it. But I really don't think that will happen until I'm out of this house.

Ugh. I'm just a mess of complicated.

So the graduation festivities were yesterday. It went pretty well. Though the result today is sadness, sickness, and nearly rubbed off rub on tattoos. But hey, that's just me.

Of course it took this to finally break me. I'm completely back to how I was before. Feeling hopeless and talentless and worthless. Of course, that makes me feel immensely guilty, because all these people spent their time and money to help me celebrate my this massive accomplishment of mine. I don't feel worthy, and I feel like I should. I'm like Buffy in season 7. She had a superiority complex, and an inferiority complex about her superiority complex. Only.... those aren't exactly my complexes.

Anyway.

The party started at 5:30, which is lame, because my sister told me 6, so that's what the invites said. Oh well.

I enjoyed hanging out with family and friends. Of course, my sister decided it would be fantastic to bring a guy she wanted to hook me up with. Whooooooooaaa massive pressure there, folks! I was freaking out, because 1, what if we hit it off? 2, what if we DIDN'T hit it off? What if, either way, I had to entertain him?! Gahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! It ended up not mattering because he was so shy that we barely exchanged 2 words and barely spent 5 minutes together. Also, my nephew Gary was smarticle and suggested beer to calm the nerves. Ohhhh yeah. I had 2, and then Laura and Ryan brought vodka, so I spiked my drinks. Then I was good and ready to meet this character. He's really not my type physically, but apparently those he DID talk to said he seemed really nice and I should give him a chance. Therefore, there's a group date with my sisters, their husbands, and me and this guy to go to the comedy club next Friday.

I really don't see anything happening though, because I didn't feel much then. Also, he is soooooooo quiet, what are the odds? Guh. Oh well, I'm still gonna do it. Just to say I did it, I suppose. Plus this comedy club should be fun. Hopefully I'll be able to make Laura and Ryan's party afterward.

Some surprises, first of all, my friends Rachel and Josh never showed. I wonder why?? Hmmmmm. I haven't heard from them yet, so who knows.

JOHN, my nephew, is joining the air force. I'm very proud of him, but it terrifies me so much. So we're not going to talk about it anymore, cuz I'll cry.

My cousin Thommy was there!! I was so excited, I haven't seen him in forever!! Every person I meet I tell about Thommy. I don't know if I ever wrote about him in my journals or not though. You tell me. He has had crazy experiences with roller coasters, spiders, cliffs, sky-diving, and cars. Any ring a bell? Also, he wrote a movie that Miramax bought. I hope they get off their asses and make it, cuz it was supposed to be in theatres last fall!! They haven't shot a THING yet! Ugh. I was excited that Laura, Ryan, and Amanda got to meet him, though. I effing love that guy.

Amanda came! Yay! If you read this Amanda, I appreciate it. I know that what you're going through now sucks, so it means a lot. Thank you :)

Oh! Another shocker. When I was flipping out over having to meet this guy, do you know who came to my rescue? Besides Gary and Ashley, who encouraged the alcohol consumption, lmao. My nephew Chris!

Some background on Chris. He and my nephew (his brother) Corey, used to be 2 of my best friends. Both are older than me, Corey by 2 months and Chris by a year or 2. When we got to that age where boys and girls are "icky" to each other, we kinda stopped talking. Corey and I ended up getting close again because we were both into music and writing songs. We even wrote a few together and encouraged each other. Chris and I kept drifting though. Even after his son was born on MY BIRTHDAY (crazy, eh?) we still didn't talk much. I mean, we don't have much in common at all.

But at this party, he found out how freaked I was. He talked to me and told me to just relax, I shouldn't feel any pressure because this is MY party. No one can tell me what to do or how to feel, and to just go with it. It made me feel better. I was so surprised because we never talked like that before. When it came time for him to go to work, I hugged him goodbye, thanked him for coming, and congratulated him on his own graduation from the fire academy. Yes, he's gonna be a fire fighter!! I'll be at his party on July 18. Anywhoo, I was happy for that interaction. I miss being close to him. Who am I kidding though, I want to be close to everyone I know lol.

I really need to do stuff when I don't feel like it. Today I didn't feel like doing so much, including this entry, but look how it turned out! Pretty effing long and revealing. *Sigh* now I guess I'm gonna go thru the tedious process of jpeging my portfolio so people can look at it and give me feedback. I so don't want to, but I will. Because I'll hate myself if I don't, and I really need to. I feel good if I do. So there. Question me, jerk, see where it gets you :P

Oh, btw, anyone here watch Dawson's Creek? I swear, the whole Joey-and-Pacey thing in season 4 is soooooooooooooo much like the relationship I had with Scott. Of course there were some major and obvious differences, but still. It creeped me out, but I also thought it was awesome because I've never seen a relationship like that on tv.

Also, I'm wearing a shirt that is camo-print that says DROP AND GIVE ME 20. Aaaaaaaahahahahahahaha.

Gahhhhhhhhh!!!! I'm getting so annoyed working on this effing portfolio. But I have to do it, I HAVE to because I keep putting it off the more I lose that SC vibe. And the more I put it off, the worse I feel. Ugh. I've been going at it for about 2 hours though, so at least that's good.

I have to do it though. I'm about to reach my breaking point at Sears. And no doubt, at home. I have to get a real job. I'm just so frustrated right now.

I'm trying to fix a magazine cover design I did...and it's just not working. I emailed a friend from school to get her opinion, which helps. I think it's as good as it's gonna get, which still isn't good enough for me, but oh well.

Also, have you ever seriously doubted where you're going in life? I mean, I was originally a journalism major. And I wonder what would happen if I quit art entirely and focused on writing. When I was writing all the time, I was good at it. I'd get A's on my papers, and was even the envy of my journalism class. Why did I stop? For two reasons. 1, I discovered the love of graphic design. 2, I got scared. Story of my life.

But seriously, how the frak am I supposed to know if I'm doing the right thing? I know I'm re-thinking this because of the pressure. But there are other doubts weighing me down. And what if this ISN'T what I should be doing? What if I got off my ass and started writing my stories?? What if that spark would be rekindled?

Guhhhh I'm not in the place to experiment, because I know myself. I'll get partway into something and lose interest. I just can't do that. I HAVE to get somewhere and soon. With Graphic Design, I already have the degree. I almost have the portfolio.

I so wish I wasn't such a 'fraidy cat in high school. If I wasn't, I would have stuck with singing lessons, acting lessons, drawing, etc. And I'd probably kick ass at them by now. Ugh. That's one thing I really struggle with not regretting. I know everything happens for a reason, but all those things deliberately did NOT happen because of my fears. Lame lame lame. It makes me so mad at myself.

If I dwell on that, I get sooooo sad, and I REALLY feel regretful. But I can't have that, because I can't change it. So, I'll go back to this portfolio work, and hope that it stops pissing me off long enough for me to get somewhere....

Okay, so.... I really want to write atm and for some reason lj's writer's block archive is being an asshole. So.... I'll ask y'all for help on this little project of mine. And if you so choose, you can ask your fellow journalers (did I just make up a word?!) for their suggestions as well. Here's the dillio.

I miss my cousin dearly. Therefore, I'm making her a keychain. Makes sense, no? Haha. Okay well what I'm doing is putting a picture of us on one side, and for the other side, she gets to pick. So I'm designing a bunch of "other side options" on photoshop using phrases and such that I like. I'll show you on here what I've made so far. I'll send them all to her, and she can interchange them as she chooses. I'm also making one for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! Haha. Blame that outburst on the coffee :P

Anyway, you can send me your favorite sayings, song lyrics, etc. They can be funny, motivational, inspirational, whateverrr. Here be what I have so far. OH and you're more than welcome to include what you think would best illustrate said phrase. I had no idea what to do for the positive attitude one, when my friend Laura suggested a smiling sun. Perrrrfect.

You can give me 1, 10, 20 suggestions. Maybe while you listen to your music you hear a fun verse, tell JACKIE!!!!!!!!

( What I've got so far.... )

My VM mood theme is done and up on LJ. That was a lot of freakin' work lol.

I'm wondering if I should take down the cute little awesome stars and put it up instead :X

So last night I had dinner with Rachel and Josh. It was fun, but of course, me lacking in the self-esteem department, began to wonder if it was a pity-date. But oh well. We were really good friends at one point, so... idk I just hope that it's one of those stupid mind-messer with feelings.

It also made me sad because I realized they still talk to Chris and AJ, where as I have been disowned by them. Oh well. What can ya do?

So I have my first portfolio assignment. I'm taking an Advanced Studio, one of my last classes before graduation, and for my AS, I'm pulling a portfolio together. Robin and I went through my work today, and she wrote down the stronger pieces, and now gave me a totally new assignment.

In my Advanced Problems in Commercial Art class, we had an assignment to do a packaging design, and we had numerous options. I opted to go for the hairband packaging. Now, I have to do another one. I'm thinking of doing either band-aid packaging, or maybe crayons. I love coloring :) And I like band-aids. Weird, but true lol. OH OH maybe post-it packaging? Hmmm.... I'll have to look into this.

Anyhoo, I found all the pictures I need for my mood theme. Now I just have to tweak them (ie, whatever that means, I found numerous pictures for some emotions and now I have to sort out which I want to use), and decide if I want to keep them as is, or add a color theme, orrrrr if I want to posterize them. Ya know. Whatever. I think I'll do that as soon as I finish up my assignment for photo 2. We have to write about a favorite photograph of ours. Me, being the indecisive one, found 2. I'm going to write about them both, and bring them both in. Either that, or write one and be tired of writing and stick with that one lol. OR maybe I will write both and like one better in the end.

Ya see what I mean about indecisive? lol



( My choices )

So I'm still in the process of collecting images for my mood theme. It of course, will only be applied to lj, because I just adore the little stars on IJ lol. But whatever. Maybe I'll fall in love and apply it here too.

It of course, is a Veronica Mars theme. I'd probably still be searching but my wrist is starting to tingle from too much clicking and whatnot. Plus I'm starting to lose my patience sorting through all the screen caps and we don't want that, now do we? It stifles creativity!

I just recently re-checked my Brain Age on DS, and woo hoo! Knocked it down to 26 :) The best is 20, so go me, yep yep!

I would probably have more to say, but ya know... tingling wrist and whatnot.

Later!