Man, am I ever addicted to Word Twist on facebook! It's sooo much fun. I'm currently tied with another friend for 127 points. I'm determined to beat that, buuuut it's not as easy as it would seem.

So I gave Scott's sister, Emma, a graduation card, and his family gave one to me. I miss them so much. I wish someone would give him a lobotomy so that he would become the perfect guy and then I could go back with him lol. I know it's bad wanting to date a guy for his family, buuuut... they're so great. Ooo maybe we don't know this but he has a twin brother.... a GOOD twin, and they were separated at birth! Guh... one can dream, no? Anywho, in Emma's thank you card she mentioned that maybe I'll design a book cover for her one day...which would rock. She wants to write a book, and maybe edit them too? I can't remember if that's what she said, but either way, that's the field she wants to go into. On that note, miss Candy, if you get to choose who designs your covers, give me a call :D

I really need to get this portfolio done to prove my damn therapist wrong. By the time I go back I want to be able to say not only is it done and printed, but it's submitted to publishing houses in Michigan and Texas. My friends are so great, they made me feel a lot better about the situation, and reading Molly and Emma's messages made me happy as well. All of it gives me hope that I can, in fact, be normal. And not just normal, be totally awesome. I want to be awesome!! And I want to know it, but not be a bitch about it.

I also want to write more. I have an idea for a book but it'd be horror/suspense and I dunno if I'm any good at that. I suppose I can try though, and Laura would totally be able to help me out. And Katherine. They loooooooove the scary movies so it'd be a good choice (and yes Candypants, you would get to read as well...obviously :)

I just wish I could get the strength, courage, and determination to do it. But I really don't think that will happen until I'm out of this house.

Ugh. I'm just a mess of complicated.

Gahhhhhhhhh!!!! I'm getting so annoyed working on this effing portfolio. But I have to do it, I HAVE to because I keep putting it off the more I lose that SC vibe. And the more I put it off, the worse I feel. Ugh. I've been going at it for about 2 hours though, so at least that's good.

I have to do it though. I'm about to reach my breaking point at Sears. And no doubt, at home. I have to get a real job. I'm just so frustrated right now.

I'm trying to fix a magazine cover design I did...and it's just not working. I emailed a friend from school to get her opinion, which helps. I think it's as good as it's gonna get, which still isn't good enough for me, but oh well.

Also, have you ever seriously doubted where you're going in life? I mean, I was originally a journalism major. And I wonder what would happen if I quit art entirely and focused on writing. When I was writing all the time, I was good at it. I'd get A's on my papers, and was even the envy of my journalism class. Why did I stop? For two reasons. 1, I discovered the love of graphic design. 2, I got scared. Story of my life.

But seriously, how the frak am I supposed to know if I'm doing the right thing? I know I'm re-thinking this because of the pressure. But there are other doubts weighing me down. And what if this ISN'T what I should be doing? What if I got off my ass and started writing my stories?? What if that spark would be rekindled?

Guhhhh I'm not in the place to experiment, because I know myself. I'll get partway into something and lose interest. I just can't do that. I HAVE to get somewhere and soon. With Graphic Design, I already have the degree. I almost have the portfolio.

I so wish I wasn't such a 'fraidy cat in high school. If I wasn't, I would have stuck with singing lessons, acting lessons, drawing, etc. And I'd probably kick ass at them by now. Ugh. That's one thing I really struggle with not regretting. I know everything happens for a reason, but all those things deliberately did NOT happen because of my fears. Lame lame lame. It makes me so mad at myself.

If I dwell on that, I get sooooo sad, and I REALLY feel regretful. But I can't have that, because I can't change it. So, I'll go back to this portfolio work, and hope that it stops pissing me off long enough for me to get somewhere....