I forgot to write about my dream, but I don't feel like editing the entry.

I dreamed that I was at the mall, and I walked by FYE and saw that it was closed. I started to freak out -- I don't know why, I don't even shop there! They're sooooo expensive. So I started to talk to the manager and I ended up hanging out with him and a bunch of other guys I don't know. Yeah, that's smart, dream Jackie.

Btw, I talked to the manager about how I'd like to find a good job in writing, art, or music but that it was hard haha.... can ya tell it's on my mind?

But yeah, when I went to leave the house, I saw that my car was parked behind a fence. Of course it was super-late and I was a little freaked, so I kinda ran to get to the car and opened the door, and then I realized that I was fenced in because my car had been towed. A cop came up and started giving me crap for how I crossed the street to the fence, and I was asking why I was towed. Then I woke up.

Yep, okay lol

I'm so tired. I have to work tomorrow but I don't want to sleep. I want to read, and I want to watch my new favorite station, "Investigation Discovery". It is soooo good. All about FBI cases, and investigations, andddd crazy psycho killers and stuff. Although, watching this station a lot, and reading Stephen King is fucking with my head. I've been having weird dreams. Well... I always have weird dreams, but these are weird in a creepy sense.

You know the girl in "The Ring"? I can't remember her name... Samara or whatever. I had a dream that I woke up and she was in my room. But... not like, crawling out of the tv. She was standing facing the corner of my room, back to my bed, and she was in that white nightgown and her hair was all down and in her face. Then I ran out of my room to my nephew's room and slept in there with him, haha. There was more to the dream than that, but I can't remember it clearly enough :/

I'm reading "It". That book is over 1000 pages long!! Holy shit! I'm like... 200 pages in I think. Probably a little bit more. The last part I read scared the shit out of me and I had to sleep with the tv on, haha. I was hoping to be done with this book before we went camping, but thaaaaat's not gonna happen. Oh well. I'll just scare the shit out of myself while sleeping out doors. No bid deal, right? Haaaaa. At least I didn't choose to read "The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon" while camping. Then I'd be fucked. :)

Oh shit son, so today.... I printed my portfolio. It scares the crap out of me, because it means now it's time to start the job hunt. I mean, I want out of Sears, no doubt. I hate it there now. The only thing I like about it is a handful of people that I work with. But I'm soooo scared to start applying places. I'm looking into publishing houses mostly. I really want to make book covers. I've made 6 for assignments, so.... yay! I love it. I want to do it. I'm looking in Michigan and in Texas. I'm scared scared scared scared. I really think I'm gonna end up in Texas. But I don't want to stay long. Too far away from family. Ugh.

My sister had her check-up today! Cancer-free!! Yayyyy!! We were all so happy. Her next check-up is in October. Hopefully it'll all still be good. It was funny, she came out and was laughing because the doctor looked in her no-no area, and was like "It looks beautiful!" He meant of course, that she was clean and good, nothing there. But she kept walking around saying "I have a pretty pussy!" Hahahahha it was funny. I love my family.

Oh Lord, I knew this was going to happen. I've sunken back into the same ol' depressingly stale and limiting routine. I hate it. Going to bed knowing I have to wake up and go to work at Sears lays really heavy on my chest. The away from home vacation buzz is quickly fading, and I have to move quickly before I sink totally back into my funk.

What's good, and what's keeping me from going down is the memory of that feeling. The feeling of being able to breathe, and be happy, and be myself. To be confident. GOD it's an amazing feeling and I want it back. I can barely remember what it feels like. I'm guessing within the next couple of days I will no longer feel it, and will begin to struggle with why I liked that feeling so much. Soon after, I will forget it all together. I'm going to fight it, but it's SO hard.

That's weird, isn't it? The fact that I know how amazingly happy I was before. How I was so near fearless and was the supreme version of myself.... yet I'm doing all I can to hold myself back from that now. I have to force myself to work on my portfolio. When I do, I hit block after creative block. It makes me sad and frustrated. Which makes me want to quit. The crazy thing? I think it's subconscious. I know I'm out of creative practice, but I really think that with my history that this isn't just a bit of bad luck.

But I also am excited for the fight. I can feel the resistance building in me everyday to take the easy way out. I can feel myself WANTING to be miserable for ever. But I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW how good things can get for me. I have to push my fears aside, because not too long ago, I DID have faith in myself. I need to remember that. I have to. If I don't..... let's say, things will never change. And I can't have that.