I don't feel like anything interesting enough happened today to post about, but I'm writing anyway. Even though I'm super-tired and would like to crank out another chapter of "Prozac Nation" before bed. Silly me said I would work tomorrow, which means I have to get up early. At least I can go home whenever I want.

Today I was coloring with Chelsea and Samantha and James. We were listening to "I Kissed a Girl" and singing along with it. James, who is six, started to sing "I kissed a boy and I liked it" we were like HOOOOLLLY CRAP. Chelsea turned it off right away, haha. Now that's an Oy with the poodles moment if ever I experienced one!!

I don't know how this got brought up, but we got into the conversation about how Samantha doesn't really exist, and is just a figment of my imagination. I said something about it and she was like "WHO TOLD?!" I blamed it on Chelsea, who denied the whole thing. Sam said "It was supposed to be a surprise!" Now, I don't think that finding out that your niece doesn't exist qualifies as a surprise, do you?! So as a joke, I said "Surprise! I'm just part of your imagination. Better get off that medication!" Sam cracked up. I accidentally rhymed, hehe. Early she mentioned that she hated therapists and them handing out meds for every little thing, but I told her I was on it. So that's where that came about.

Fun, eh?

K so that satisfied the writing bug. I'm sleepy, time to read and sleep :D

Ugh, I just woke up. I feel bad though. At work today I started to get really hot, my head started hurting more (it's been bugging me due to TMJ lately) and I began to feel sick. When I left, I planned on eating something and then laying down, but when I got home, 2 of my sisters were over, and so was Chelsea. She and I started coloring and watching Fear Itself/Gilmore Girls, when she left to go spend time with her dad before he went to work. She said she'd come over later, but when she left, I finished coloring what I was working on and went to lay down. The tiredness (3-4 hours of sleep) and all the other stuff was getting to me. While I was laying down, Chels called and asked if I wanted to come over. I told her I was laying down because I felt tired, but I'd come over later. I almost told her to call me in 2 hours, but when I feel like that, I'm not so good in the thinking/actions department. So we hung up and I fell asleep.

Here we are, hours later at 11:30 pm. I feel so bad. I'd call and go over now, but because school is starting, she had to go to bed 2 hours ago :( Ughhhh. I'll make it up to her tomorrow, but I still feel horrible :(

In other news, today at work a customer freaked me out. First thing in the morning he and Tasha, the only Salesperson there got into a shouting match, and me being tired and creative-minded, was expecting him to come back with a gun and start shooting. Isn't it sad that society has gotten that bad? But things were handled and turned out fine. Well, ya know...as fine as they can be after that first thing.

This video game ad to the left of the entry-typing box is disturbing me. It's for an MMORPG but it's creeping me out and I don't like it :P

Oh! And there was this guy at work in a red shirt who kept talking to me. He was nice, but it also made me uneasy. Not in a creepy way, but....I just wasn't looking for that. And I kept accidentally making eye contact :P I realized he was there aaagain, and I had to repeat "don't look up, don't look up" in my head to avoid looking up. Luckily, after that he left.

I might go see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 tomorrow. We shall see.

I'm so tired. I have to work tomorrow but I don't want to sleep. I want to read, and I want to watch my new favorite station, "Investigation Discovery". It is soooo good. All about FBI cases, and investigations, andddd crazy psycho killers and stuff. Although, watching this station a lot, and reading Stephen King is fucking with my head. I've been having weird dreams. Well... I always have weird dreams, but these are weird in a creepy sense.

You know the girl in "The Ring"? I can't remember her name... Samara or whatever. I had a dream that I woke up and she was in my room. But... not like, crawling out of the tv. She was standing facing the corner of my room, back to my bed, and she was in that white nightgown and her hair was all down and in her face. Then I ran out of my room to my nephew's room and slept in there with him, haha. There was more to the dream than that, but I can't remember it clearly enough :/

I'm reading "It". That book is over 1000 pages long!! Holy shit! I'm like... 200 pages in I think. Probably a little bit more. The last part I read scared the shit out of me and I had to sleep with the tv on, haha. I was hoping to be done with this book before we went camping, but thaaaaat's not gonna happen. Oh well. I'll just scare the shit out of myself while sleeping out doors. No bid deal, right? Haaaaa. At least I didn't choose to read "The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon" while camping. Then I'd be fucked. :)

Oh shit son, so today.... I printed my portfolio. It scares the crap out of me, because it means now it's time to start the job hunt. I mean, I want out of Sears, no doubt. I hate it there now. The only thing I like about it is a handful of people that I work with. But I'm soooo scared to start applying places. I'm looking into publishing houses mostly. I really want to make book covers. I've made 6 for assignments, so.... yay! I love it. I want to do it. I'm looking in Michigan and in Texas. I'm scared scared scared scared. I really think I'm gonna end up in Texas. But I don't want to stay long. Too far away from family. Ugh.

My sister had her check-up today! Cancer-free!! Yayyyy!! We were all so happy. Her next check-up is in October. Hopefully it'll all still be good. It was funny, she came out and was laughing because the doctor looked in her no-no area, and was like "It looks beautiful!" He meant of course, that she was clean and good, nothing there. But she kept walking around saying "I have a pretty pussy!" Hahahahha it was funny. I love my family.

Man, am I ever addicted to Word Twist on facebook! It's sooo much fun. I'm currently tied with another friend for 127 points. I'm determined to beat that, buuuut it's not as easy as it would seem.

So I gave Scott's sister, Emma, a graduation card, and his family gave one to me. I miss them so much. I wish someone would give him a lobotomy so that he would become the perfect guy and then I could go back with him lol. I know it's bad wanting to date a guy for his family, buuuut... they're so great. Ooo maybe we don't know this but he has a twin brother.... a GOOD twin, and they were separated at birth! Guh... one can dream, no? Anywho, in Emma's thank you card she mentioned that maybe I'll design a book cover for her one day...which would rock. She wants to write a book, and maybe edit them too? I can't remember if that's what she said, but either way, that's the field she wants to go into. On that note, miss Candy, if you get to choose who designs your covers, give me a call :D

I really need to get this portfolio done to prove my damn therapist wrong. By the time I go back I want to be able to say not only is it done and printed, but it's submitted to publishing houses in Michigan and Texas. My friends are so great, they made me feel a lot better about the situation, and reading Molly and Emma's messages made me happy as well. All of it gives me hope that I can, in fact, be normal. And not just normal, be totally awesome. I want to be awesome!! And I want to know it, but not be a bitch about it.

I also want to write more. I have an idea for a book but it'd be horror/suspense and I dunno if I'm any good at that. I suppose I can try though, and Laura would totally be able to help me out. And Katherine. They loooooooove the scary movies so it'd be a good choice (and yes Candypants, you would get to read as well...obviously :)

I just wish I could get the strength, courage, and determination to do it. But I really don't think that will happen until I'm out of this house.

Ugh. I'm just a mess of complicated.

So the graduation festivities were yesterday. It went pretty well. Though the result today is sadness, sickness, and nearly rubbed off rub on tattoos. But hey, that's just me.

Of course it took this to finally break me. I'm completely back to how I was before. Feeling hopeless and talentless and worthless. Of course, that makes me feel immensely guilty, because all these people spent their time and money to help me celebrate my this massive accomplishment of mine. I don't feel worthy, and I feel like I should. I'm like Buffy in season 7. She had a superiority complex, and an inferiority complex about her superiority complex. Only.... those aren't exactly my complexes.

Anyway.

The party started at 5:30, which is lame, because my sister told me 6, so that's what the invites said. Oh well.

I enjoyed hanging out with family and friends. Of course, my sister decided it would be fantastic to bring a guy she wanted to hook me up with. Whooooooooaaa massive pressure there, folks! I was freaking out, because 1, what if we hit it off? 2, what if we DIDN'T hit it off? What if, either way, I had to entertain him?! Gahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! It ended up not mattering because he was so shy that we barely exchanged 2 words and barely spent 5 minutes together. Also, my nephew Gary was smarticle and suggested beer to calm the nerves. Ohhhh yeah. I had 2, and then Laura and Ryan brought vodka, so I spiked my drinks. Then I was good and ready to meet this character. He's really not my type physically, but apparently those he DID talk to said he seemed really nice and I should give him a chance. Therefore, there's a group date with my sisters, their husbands, and me and this guy to go to the comedy club next Friday.

I really don't see anything happening though, because I didn't feel much then. Also, he is soooooooo quiet, what are the odds? Guh. Oh well, I'm still gonna do it. Just to say I did it, I suppose. Plus this comedy club should be fun. Hopefully I'll be able to make Laura and Ryan's party afterward.

Some surprises, first of all, my friends Rachel and Josh never showed. I wonder why?? Hmmmmm. I haven't heard from them yet, so who knows.

JOHN, my nephew, is joining the air force. I'm very proud of him, but it terrifies me so much. So we're not going to talk about it anymore, cuz I'll cry.

My cousin Thommy was there!! I was so excited, I haven't seen him in forever!! Every person I meet I tell about Thommy. I don't know if I ever wrote about him in my journals or not though. You tell me. He has had crazy experiences with roller coasters, spiders, cliffs, sky-diving, and cars. Any ring a bell? Also, he wrote a movie that Miramax bought. I hope they get off their asses and make it, cuz it was supposed to be in theatres last fall!! They haven't shot a THING yet! Ugh. I was excited that Laura, Ryan, and Amanda got to meet him, though. I effing love that guy.

Amanda came! Yay! If you read this Amanda, I appreciate it. I know that what you're going through now sucks, so it means a lot. Thank you :)

Oh! Another shocker. When I was flipping out over having to meet this guy, do you know who came to my rescue? Besides Gary and Ashley, who encouraged the alcohol consumption, lmao. My nephew Chris!

Some background on Chris. He and my nephew (his brother) Corey, used to be 2 of my best friends. Both are older than me, Corey by 2 months and Chris by a year or 2. When we got to that age where boys and girls are "icky" to each other, we kinda stopped talking. Corey and I ended up getting close again because we were both into music and writing songs. We even wrote a few together and encouraged each other. Chris and I kept drifting though. Even after his son was born on MY BIRTHDAY (crazy, eh?) we still didn't talk much. I mean, we don't have much in common at all.

But at this party, he found out how freaked I was. He talked to me and told me to just relax, I shouldn't feel any pressure because this is MY party. No one can tell me what to do or how to feel, and to just go with it. It made me feel better. I was so surprised because we never talked like that before. When it came time for him to go to work, I hugged him goodbye, thanked him for coming, and congratulated him on his own graduation from the fire academy. Yes, he's gonna be a fire fighter!! I'll be at his party on July 18. Anywhoo, I was happy for that interaction. I miss being close to him. Who am I kidding though, I want to be close to everyone I know lol.

I really need to do stuff when I don't feel like it. Today I didn't feel like doing so much, including this entry, but look how it turned out! Pretty effing long and revealing. *Sigh* now I guess I'm gonna go thru the tedious process of jpeging my portfolio so people can look at it and give me feedback. I so don't want to, but I will. Because I'll hate myself if I don't, and I really need to. I feel good if I do. So there. Question me, jerk, see where it gets you :P

Oh, btw, anyone here watch Dawson's Creek? I swear, the whole Joey-and-Pacey thing in season 4 is soooooooooooooo much like the relationship I had with Scott. Of course there were some major and obvious differences, but still. It creeped me out, but I also thought it was awesome because I've never seen a relationship like that on tv.

Also, I'm wearing a shirt that is camo-print that says DROP AND GIVE ME 20. Aaaaaaaahahahahahahaha.

Okay, so.... I really want to write atm and for some reason lj's writer's block archive is being an asshole. So.... I'll ask y'all for help on this little project of mine. And if you so choose, you can ask your fellow journalers (did I just make up a word?!) for their suggestions as well. Here's the dillio.

I miss my cousin dearly. Therefore, I'm making her a keychain. Makes sense, no? Haha. Okay well what I'm doing is putting a picture of us on one side, and for the other side, she gets to pick. So I'm designing a bunch of "other side options" on photoshop using phrases and such that I like. I'll show you on here what I've made so far. I'll send them all to her, and she can interchange them as she chooses. I'm also making one for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! Haha. Blame that outburst on the coffee :P

Anyway, you can send me your favorite sayings, song lyrics, etc. They can be funny, motivational, inspirational, whateverrr. Here be what I have so far. OH and you're more than welcome to include what you think would best illustrate said phrase. I had no idea what to do for the positive attitude one, when my friend Laura suggested a smiling sun. Perrrrfect.

You can give me 1, 10, 20 suggestions. Maybe while you listen to your music you hear a fun verse, tell JACKIE!!!!!!!!

( What I've got so far.... )

So I don't think I realized how truly and deeply unhappy I was here until I went on vacation. Which was amazing, btw. We took a road trip down to South Carolina with stops in West Virginia, South Carolina (before reaching Hilton Head Island), and then went to North Carolina and Ohio on the way back.

The island was AMAZING. I got to spend time with family who I haven't seen in a long time, and my cousin Ann and I got to re-connect. We used to be best friends when we were little. Over the weekend, we got to discover how much we truly had in common.

We did a lot of fun stuff, the most memorable probably being the parasailing, and the lil dolphin cruise. We saw baby dolphins, awwww!!

I discovered that when I'm not at home, when I'm actually out, ESPECIALLY with Annie, I'm a whole new person. Well, more like a polished up, way way waaaaaaaaaaaayyyy happier version of myself. The fears I had diminished, my depression went away (or was tucked away for the time being, until I got back home lol).

Because of that, I'm getting the show on the road. I plan on working on my portfolio today, and I'll search for jobs in Michigan and Fort Worth, Texas. I honestly thinking moving to Texas would be the smartest and most healthy thing I could do for myself, but idk. I really don't want to leave my family. However, I do want to get out of here and be around my cousin. I guess I'll just apply to places and wherever I get in is where I'll go!

Well, that was sure a long week!

My sister is home now. I don't trust my brother-in-law to take awesome care of her, but w/e. She wanted to stay there.

She feels a lot better today, which is good. Also, my other sis took work off tomorrow to go over there. That's good. I'm thinking about staying over there Tuesday night and coming back home on Wednesday before class. Of course, I'll have to buy some allergy meds, cuz she has a kitty. Who, by the way, is fat and chubby and so freakin' cute. I want one!

*sigh* This week has been so busy that I haven't even began my assignment to make an outline for a paper. I barely was even able to think of a topic, which is why I'm glad I discussed it with my therapist. I'm just gonna do an aspect of Narcissism. I already have 2 books on the subject and I wanted to learn about it anyway. It's not very fun, but oh well. I can always change my mind later!

I haven't heard back from one teacher, whose class I missed :( AND I keep forgetting to call Robin to schedule my Advanced Studio. This is lame. LAME I tell you! I will try to remember to call her during work tomorrow.

Meh. I guess I should try out that outline now, eh?

So for the second night in a row I did NOT want to be near my brother-in-law.

Now, I've never had surgery. So we're gonna do some thinkin' here. Imagine that you just got operated on and found out that there is a possibility you will have to get radiation afterall. You're tired from not sleeping all night, and you're in a lot of pain because you had some of yourself removed the night before, and are stapled shut. You are on a diet of liquids only, and really want to eat something.

Owie.

So what happens now? Your family is supportive. You get flowers, balloons, stuffed animals, lots of love and visitors.

What you SHOULDN'T get is a call from your husband saying "The gas is getting shut off today if we don't pay the bill. Ask your mom if we can borrow her credit card."

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Why would he do that? WHY? My sister hung up the phone after talking to him, said "I hate him!" and started crying. She didn't fucking need this added onto all of her other stress! He should have called HIS mom. He should have called and asked to speak to my mom HIMSELF and asked her. Why the HELL would he put this on Lori? WHY?

Well guess what, it shouldn't even have happened in the first place. It's his job to pay the bills. When my sister needed money for Christmas, he said "I have to pay the bills". He gave her NOTHING. He keeps all his money for himself. And if it's his job to pay the bills, why aren't they fucking PAID?

Lori is such an amazing person. I wish she'd leave him. I really wish she would. She could do so much better, and she deserves so much better.

I'm so pissed off right now.