So the graduation festivities were yesterday. It went pretty well. Though the result today is sadness, sickness, and nearly rubbed off rub on tattoos. But hey, that's just me.

Of course it took this to finally break me. I'm completely back to how I was before. Feeling hopeless and talentless and worthless. Of course, that makes me feel immensely guilty, because all these people spent their time and money to help me celebrate my this massive accomplishment of mine. I don't feel worthy, and I feel like I should. I'm like Buffy in season 7. She had a superiority complex, and an inferiority complex about her superiority complex. Only.... those aren't exactly my complexes.

Anyway.

The party started at 5:30, which is lame, because my sister told me 6, so that's what the invites said. Oh well.

I enjoyed hanging out with family and friends. Of course, my sister decided it would be fantastic to bring a guy she wanted to hook me up with. Whooooooooaaa massive pressure there, folks! I was freaking out, because 1, what if we hit it off? 2, what if we DIDN'T hit it off? What if, either way, I had to entertain him?! Gahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! It ended up not mattering because he was so shy that we barely exchanged 2 words and barely spent 5 minutes together. Also, my nephew Gary was smarticle and suggested beer to calm the nerves. Ohhhh yeah. I had 2, and then Laura and Ryan brought vodka, so I spiked my drinks. Then I was good and ready to meet this character. He's really not my type physically, but apparently those he DID talk to said he seemed really nice and I should give him a chance. Therefore, there's a group date with my sisters, their husbands, and me and this guy to go to the comedy club next Friday.

I really don't see anything happening though, because I didn't feel much then. Also, he is soooooooo quiet, what are the odds? Guh. Oh well, I'm still gonna do it. Just to say I did it, I suppose. Plus this comedy club should be fun. Hopefully I'll be able to make Laura and Ryan's party afterward.

Some surprises, first of all, my friends Rachel and Josh never showed. I wonder why?? Hmmmmm. I haven't heard from them yet, so who knows.

JOHN, my nephew, is joining the air force. I'm very proud of him, but it terrifies me so much. So we're not going to talk about it anymore, cuz I'll cry.

My cousin Thommy was there!! I was so excited, I haven't seen him in forever!! Every person I meet I tell about Thommy. I don't know if I ever wrote about him in my journals or not though. You tell me. He has had crazy experiences with roller coasters, spiders, cliffs, sky-diving, and cars. Any ring a bell? Also, he wrote a movie that Miramax bought. I hope they get off their asses and make it, cuz it was supposed to be in theatres last fall!! They haven't shot a THING yet! Ugh. I was excited that Laura, Ryan, and Amanda got to meet him, though. I effing love that guy.

Amanda came! Yay! If you read this Amanda, I appreciate it. I know that what you're going through now sucks, so it means a lot. Thank you :)

Oh! Another shocker. When I was flipping out over having to meet this guy, do you know who came to my rescue? Besides Gary and Ashley, who encouraged the alcohol consumption, lmao. My nephew Chris!

Some background on Chris. He and my nephew (his brother) Corey, used to be 2 of my best friends. Both are older than me, Corey by 2 months and Chris by a year or 2. When we got to that age where boys and girls are "icky" to each other, we kinda stopped talking. Corey and I ended up getting close again because we were both into music and writing songs. We even wrote a few together and encouraged each other. Chris and I kept drifting though. Even after his son was born on MY BIRTHDAY (crazy, eh?) we still didn't talk much. I mean, we don't have much in common at all.

But at this party, he found out how freaked I was. He talked to me and told me to just relax, I shouldn't feel any pressure because this is MY party. No one can tell me what to do or how to feel, and to just go with it. It made me feel better. I was so surprised because we never talked like that before. When it came time for him to go to work, I hugged him goodbye, thanked him for coming, and congratulated him on his own graduation from the fire academy. Yes, he's gonna be a fire fighter!! I'll be at his party on July 18. Anywhoo, I was happy for that interaction. I miss being close to him. Who am I kidding though, I want to be close to everyone I know lol.

I really need to do stuff when I don't feel like it. Today I didn't feel like doing so much, including this entry, but look how it turned out! Pretty effing long and revealing. *Sigh* now I guess I'm gonna go thru the tedious process of jpeging my portfolio so people can look at it and give me feedback. I so don't want to, but I will. Because I'll hate myself if I don't, and I really need to. I feel good if I do. So there. Question me, jerk, see where it gets you :P

Oh, btw, anyone here watch Dawson's Creek? I swear, the whole Joey-and-Pacey thing in season 4 is soooooooooooooo much like the relationship I had with Scott. Of course there were some major and obvious differences, but still. It creeped me out, but I also thought it was awesome because I've never seen a relationship like that on tv.

Also, I'm wearing a shirt that is camo-print that says DROP AND GIVE ME 20. Aaaaaaaahahahahahahaha.

So do you want to hear something weird? For the first time in a VERY long time, I felt happy and accomplished today! And it all happened because I forced myself to crack my shell that I've built up. A shell of anger, fear and misery. A bad bad shell. Not a good one. Comprende?

Anyhoo.

I'm really effing tired but I still have more stuff to do before I go to bed, and I really need a break from that crap. So on we go.

I was worried today was gonna be bad. First off, I woke up 45 minutes late. Not a big deal, but I did want to shower before work. I didn't get that opportunity. Then when I went to make my lunch, I caused a massive avalanche of cookie sheets and muffin tins by picking up a loaf of bread. Yes, I am that awesome.

So I started out pretty crankily. Ha, crankily. But work went surprisingly well. I talked to a few people, got a bunch of work done... although the last hour was a drag because there was nothing to do. BUT it allowed time for social interaction. I actually talked to a lot of people where as normal I'd be quiet and keep to myself.

About 20 minutes before punch time, I had to change clothes because I had to go straight to school. I felt stupid though. My uniform is all black, so I went from that to tight khaki pants, a green tank top and a purple zip-up. I was really colorful and I felt like an attention whore. But I wasn't!! I had school, dammit. I still felt like I'd be judged though. But Diane, this really sweet woman I work with kept telling me how cute I was and that I looked like a Barbie doll. Haha, I love her, it was sweet.

So this good day vibe followed me to school, where it helped me to deliver a pretty good speech. I think the teacher thinks I'm a bit loopy, but on the plus side, he said he was going to rent Veronica Mars. Woo hoo!

Here at home I edited all my pictures for my portfolio while watching the new episodes of Bones and One Tree Hill (awww I want a Nathan :), and finishing up the first half of Apocalypse Now.

Now it's 11:10 pm and I still have to finish up my crap for the art show. It's not much, just have to mount something, but I'm so tired and blah.... I just want to... I don't know what I want to do. But I want to do it. Sleep or shower or something, lol. Maybe watch a lil something.

I don't know. Want to hear something stupid? There's a friend that I've been hanging out with quite a bit. We are quite close, but don't hold the bff titles. So... idk, it still makes me sad when I read her answer questions about her best friend... I mean it shouldn't, because we are really close. It just makes me feel like... I don't know, like there's a wall up there and that nothing I do can be good enough. But that's dumb, because it seems like I'm trying to beat out her best friend. I don't want to do that, though. But that's what it seems like. I guess I just need reassurance. A lot of it. Beh.

I really need to learn to keep up the happy vibes. I really want to be like Eddie at work. He's so happy and positive. I love it, that's how I want to be. I usually am like that, but lately not so much. I am trying though! I'm trying.

So last night I had dinner with Rachel and Josh. It was fun, but of course, me lacking in the self-esteem department, began to wonder if it was a pity-date. But oh well. We were really good friends at one point, so... idk I just hope that it's one of those stupid mind-messer with feelings.

It also made me sad because I realized they still talk to Chris and AJ, where as I have been disowned by them. Oh well. What can ya do?

So I have my first portfolio assignment. I'm taking an Advanced Studio, one of my last classes before graduation, and for my AS, I'm pulling a portfolio together. Robin and I went through my work today, and she wrote down the stronger pieces, and now gave me a totally new assignment.

In my Advanced Problems in Commercial Art class, we had an assignment to do a packaging design, and we had numerous options. I opted to go for the hairband packaging. Now, I have to do another one. I'm thinking of doing either band-aid packaging, or maybe crayons. I love coloring :) And I like band-aids. Weird, but true lol. OH OH maybe post-it packaging? Hmmm.... I'll have to look into this.

Anyhoo, I found all the pictures I need for my mood theme. Now I just have to tweak them (ie, whatever that means, I found numerous pictures for some emotions and now I have to sort out which I want to use), and decide if I want to keep them as is, or add a color theme, orrrrr if I want to posterize them. Ya know. Whatever. I think I'll do that as soon as I finish up my assignment for photo 2. We have to write about a favorite photograph of ours. Me, being the indecisive one, found 2. I'm going to write about them both, and bring them both in. Either that, or write one and be tired of writing and stick with that one lol. OR maybe I will write both and like one better in the end.

Ya see what I mean about indecisive? lol



( My choices )

All right, well. I've decided to post some stuff on here publicly. Simply because knowing only one person on here makes it kinda sad. Therefore, if by chance some random peeps come along and take a gander at this, maybe I'll make new friends and be able to amuse somebody other than myself.

However, I'm keeping my "Friends only" banner up, because it's cute. And someday, maybe it will go back to that :)

I was so pissed off at myself. Laura and I planned to go to Target today, so I set my alarm so that I'd wake up during a pre-afternoon hour. Yeahhhh, didn't happen. The alarm went off and I must have shut it right back down because I didn't awaken until she texted me at 1:30 saying that she had fallen asleep.

Well dammit.

Therefore, my disaster area of room that quite literally looks like a bomb went off (minus the ash and splintered wood I suppose) wasn't cleaned today. And we had to work on projects in the computer room, which kinda looks like a mini-bomb went off.

I got to make prints of some of Laura's wedding pictures, too! They're so cute. However, $2000 is a little extreme to pay for photography. Therefore I may not hire this guy if I ever have photo needs. Too bad, cuz he's quite good at his job!

So yeah, we got to go to Target, and of COURSE stopped at the lil built-in Starbucks they have there (tis our tradition). We both got iced coffee. Mmmm. Then made some prints and did a bit of shopping. THEN we came back here and attempted to make a disc with pictures on it (for some reason, the kiosk at Target will only load the first 333 pictures on her cd, and we needed the ones after it as well!) and she worked on the square for my sister's project.

Thennnnn Jamie called and we scurried up to Best Buy with her. She wanted to get Nip/Tuck s4, and she only paid $1.19 for it, the lucky bitch ;) She had a $20 gift card and then I let her use my $5 off.

When we got back, Laura and I attempted to make Chewie a myspace, but my computer just wasn't having it. So Laura is gonna try when she gets home, which, she should be arriving there any minute now.

I also found out that a certain friend invited a certain ex of mine up to a certain hangout that IS mine, thinking I wouldn't be there. She didn't tell me about this at all! Luckily, I have friends who do tell me these things. I have no idea how to think or feel about this. I really could give two craps on ice about He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, but still. I give plenty of craps about my friends! So yes. Confuzzlement here. Confuzzlement all around!