I don't feel like anything interesting enough happened today to post about, but I'm writing anyway. Even though I'm super-tired and would like to crank out another chapter of "Prozac Nation" before bed. Silly me said I would work tomorrow, which means I have to get up early. At least I can go home whenever I want.

Today I was coloring with Chelsea and Samantha and James. We were listening to "I Kissed a Girl" and singing along with it. James, who is six, started to sing "I kissed a boy and I liked it" we were like HOOOOLLLY CRAP. Chelsea turned it off right away, haha. Now that's an Oy with the poodles moment if ever I experienced one!!

I don't know how this got brought up, but we got into the conversation about how Samantha doesn't really exist, and is just a figment of my imagination. I said something about it and she was like "WHO TOLD?!" I blamed it on Chelsea, who denied the whole thing. Sam said "It was supposed to be a surprise!" Now, I don't think that finding out that your niece doesn't exist qualifies as a surprise, do you?! So as a joke, I said "Surprise! I'm just part of your imagination. Better get off that medication!" Sam cracked up. I accidentally rhymed, hehe. Early she mentioned that she hated therapists and them handing out meds for every little thing, but I told her I was on it. So that's where that came about.

Fun, eh?

K so that satisfied the writing bug. I'm sleepy, time to read and sleep :D

Gahhhhhhhhh!!!! I'm getting so annoyed working on this effing portfolio. But I have to do it, I HAVE to because I keep putting it off the more I lose that SC vibe. And the more I put it off, the worse I feel. Ugh. I've been going at it for about 2 hours though, so at least that's good.

I have to do it though. I'm about to reach my breaking point at Sears. And no doubt, at home. I have to get a real job. I'm just so frustrated right now.

I'm trying to fix a magazine cover design I did...and it's just not working. I emailed a friend from school to get her opinion, which helps. I think it's as good as it's gonna get, which still isn't good enough for me, but oh well.

Also, have you ever seriously doubted where you're going in life? I mean, I was originally a journalism major. And I wonder what would happen if I quit art entirely and focused on writing. When I was writing all the time, I was good at it. I'd get A's on my papers, and was even the envy of my journalism class. Why did I stop? For two reasons. 1, I discovered the love of graphic design. 2, I got scared. Story of my life.

But seriously, how the frak am I supposed to know if I'm doing the right thing? I know I'm re-thinking this because of the pressure. But there are other doubts weighing me down. And what if this ISN'T what I should be doing? What if I got off my ass and started writing my stories?? What if that spark would be rekindled?

Guhhhh I'm not in the place to experiment, because I know myself. I'll get partway into something and lose interest. I just can't do that. I HAVE to get somewhere and soon. With Graphic Design, I already have the degree. I almost have the portfolio.

I so wish I wasn't such a 'fraidy cat in high school. If I wasn't, I would have stuck with singing lessons, acting lessons, drawing, etc. And I'd probably kick ass at them by now. Ugh. That's one thing I really struggle with not regretting. I know everything happens for a reason, but all those things deliberately did NOT happen because of my fears. Lame lame lame. It makes me so mad at myself.

If I dwell on that, I get sooooo sad, and I REALLY feel regretful. But I can't have that, because I can't change it. So, I'll go back to this portfolio work, and hope that it stops pissing me off long enough for me to get somewhere....