Oh Lord, I knew this was going to happen. I've sunken back into the same ol' depressingly stale and limiting routine. I hate it. Going to bed knowing I have to wake up and go to work at Sears lays really heavy on my chest. The away from home vacation buzz is quickly fading, and I have to move quickly before I sink totally back into my funk.

What's good, and what's keeping me from going down is the memory of that feeling. The feeling of being able to breathe, and be happy, and be myself. To be confident. GOD it's an amazing feeling and I want it back. I can barely remember what it feels like. I'm guessing within the next couple of days I will no longer feel it, and will begin to struggle with why I liked that feeling so much. Soon after, I will forget it all together. I'm going to fight it, but it's SO hard.

That's weird, isn't it? The fact that I know how amazingly happy I was before. How I was so near fearless and was the supreme version of myself.... yet I'm doing all I can to hold myself back from that now. I have to force myself to work on my portfolio. When I do, I hit block after creative block. It makes me sad and frustrated. Which makes me want to quit. The crazy thing? I think it's subconscious. I know I'm out of creative practice, but I really think that with my history that this isn't just a bit of bad luck.

But I also am excited for the fight. I can feel the resistance building in me everyday to take the easy way out. I can feel myself WANTING to be miserable for ever. But I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW how good things can get for me. I have to push my fears aside, because not too long ago, I DID have faith in myself. I need to remember that. I have to. If I don't..... let's say, things will never change. And I can't have that.

So I don't think I realized how truly and deeply unhappy I was here until I went on vacation. Which was amazing, btw. We took a road trip down to South Carolina with stops in West Virginia, South Carolina (before reaching Hilton Head Island), and then went to North Carolina and Ohio on the way back.

The island was AMAZING. I got to spend time with family who I haven't seen in a long time, and my cousin Ann and I got to re-connect. We used to be best friends when we were little. Over the weekend, we got to discover how much we truly had in common.

We did a lot of fun stuff, the most memorable probably being the parasailing, and the lil dolphin cruise. We saw baby dolphins, awwww!!

I discovered that when I'm not at home, when I'm actually out, ESPECIALLY with Annie, I'm a whole new person. Well, more like a polished up, way way waaaaaaaaaaaayyyy happier version of myself. The fears I had diminished, my depression went away (or was tucked away for the time being, until I got back home lol).

Because of that, I'm getting the show on the road. I plan on working on my portfolio today, and I'll search for jobs in Michigan and Fort Worth, Texas. I honestly thinking moving to Texas would be the smartest and most healthy thing I could do for myself, but idk. I really don't want to leave my family. However, I do want to get out of here and be around my cousin. I guess I'll just apply to places and wherever I get in is where I'll go!