b.d.p. (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} _deni) wrote,@ 2009-02-17 21:59:00 |
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I teased him once about not really being the romance type. But he continues to prove me wrong in his little ways. And I love him all the more for it. He makes me a very happy woman and I can't wait to be his wife.
Today, I went to look at fabric swatches for my wedding dress, which I'm making myself. Huge thing to take on but I want it to be original and completely me. I want it to be something that screams me. I've been doing sketch after sketch and .. I don't know. I finally got one that I really love. I just hope that when it's done and King actually sees me in it .. he won't think it's too busy or all wrong.
Oh! We totally booked the location for June 6th. The Japanese Gardens in Long Beach .. because of the white bridge they have over the koi pond. It's .. well, it reminds me of something that's personal to my heart. And King agreed to it so yay!
Private -- No Access.
I called to talk to my Mom today. There's a conversation that I need to have with my fiance that .. I'm kind of scared to have with him. I don't know how he'll react to it considering ..
At sixteen years old, you don't think about having kids. You don't think about the possibility of someone wanting to have kids with you in the future. At sixteen years old, if you're diagnosed with cancer, all you can think about is .. wow .. I want to get better. But ... I never told anybody. Nobody but my Mom knows. The doctor suggested that we collect and freeze some eggs before I started the chemo and radiation treatments. I don't know how many were actually viable .. if any. I didn't really pay attention at the time.
King told me the other day that I'm the only person he's ever actually wanted to have a family with. And it's heartbreaking to think that the one thing he wants, I can't really give him. But .. most of that is because I'm afraid to try. I don't have ovaries anymore. I can't produce eggs. I don't know if the ones we saved are even any good .. and the idea of getting donor eggs just .. they'd be his kids but, even if I could get pregnant, they wouldn't really be mine. They wouldn't look like me. They wouldn't have my hair or my eyes or my smile.
The one thing .. I never wanted to be a Mom because I didn't think I had the option. I pushed the thought to the back of my brain and buried it. I'm afraid to try. I mean .. it's not like we're going to try right now or next year or even two years from now. But what if they aren't any good? What if when I tell him that I have this secret .. from everyone I know including him .. what if he gets mad at me? What if he doesn't understand that the idea of finding out twice that I don't have that option .. hurts me more than anything ever could?
I called my Mom because I needed the advice. And .. I was gonna talk to him about it today but he's spending time with Kayla and .. he needs to do that. he needs to spend time with his daughter. And his friends.
I don't like Desi. I don't. But I hope she's okay. I don't wish anything bad on anybody.
I really don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't even tell him. Maybe I should just forget all about it and just .. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to deal with the possibilities. And Kayla is enough for me. More than enough. I just wish he didn't want it so bad ..
End Private.