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[28 Jan 2020|11:19pm] |
baby, i'm amazed at the way you love me all the time.
scene requests, texts , emails , voicemails , love/hate notes , spam , etc!
☆ CURRENT LOCATION: BEL AIR, CALIFORNIA
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[03 Jun 2010|09:04am] |
Jeni and Bay.
I never thought it would be like this. When we got married, we were both so happy. We had our little family .. him, Kayla, and me. It was all that mattered and .. it worked. Maybe we were stupid for trying to have another baby. Maybe I put too much of myself into this because .. I want to be like everybody else. I want to be able to have a son or a daughter that's really mine, that .. looks like me and maybe acts a little like me. I love Kayla. She's my baby girl. But, she looks like some other woman .. some other woman who hadn't even been trying to have a baby, who hadn't even wanted one until she found out she could. It's hard and it's heart breaking. I feel like a failure. I feel inadequate, like I'm just not good enough to be where I am in life. And it's ..
We fight all the time now. The stress of everything, the failed attempts. He's always at work and I barely see him. The last two times the tests came back negative, he wasn't even at home. I feel alone more often than not and .. I resent him for it. I resent him for not being there to do this with me. He said that he would. And .. I know that he can't take off work all the time. I know that. It's just .. it's hard.
I've made him regret getting married. He says he didn't mean what he said but .. I feel like he did. I feel like it was the most honest thing he's said to me in weeks. So I left. I took Kayla to his parents house even though I would love to have her with me .. I couldn't take her from him. He's her father .. her real father. I'm just the stand-in Mom who fell absolutely in love with her. I feel empty and broken and tired and .. just not good enough. For him, for them.
I have another IVF appointment on Monday. I don't know if I can go through with it. I feel like we've reached the end of things and .. the idea of trying to get pregnant anymore just seems futile, stupid. It's never going to happen and .. I can't do it alone.
I'm sorry if he keeps calling you Jeni and please don't tell him where I'm at if he shows up. I knew you'd be the first person he went to so .. I'm staying at Bailey's while he's off filming.
Private.
I made him hate that he got married .. what does that say about how he feels about me? I just .. I don't know where to go from here.
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| Close friends and family only. |
[23 May 2010|09:28pm] |
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We tried again. It didn't take. There's so many steps, so many precautions to this. But .. it'll be worth it when it works. Just have to keep reminding myself of that. It'll be worth it and it will work. Some day.
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| king only. |
[21 Apr 2010|02:05pm] |
nice towel, stud.
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| King only. |
[20 Apr 2010|08:10pm] |
I went to shopping with Kayla today. Just the two of us. I love shopping, I'm a fashion freak. Everybody knows this. I bought Kay these cute little outfits and a pair of mary janes. As we were walking through the store, I had ahold of her little hand and some woman stopped us to admire how adorable Kayla was. She ranted and raved, oo'd and aw'd. Then went on to ask if I was the nanny. I told her no, I'm her mother. And she automatically said "oh, is she adopted?" Seriously, who asks someone that?! Yes, she's adopted but.. ugh! Thank you for pointing out that my daughter looks absolutely nothing like me. Thank you. You're awesome.
It's frustrating. I know she doesn't look like me. I understand that. She's not biologically mine. But that doesn't hinder my connection to her, that doesn't make me feel any less like her Mom. She's mine. She's been mine since she was ten months old, even before King and I were really together. She's a part of me, I'm a part of her. But .. at the same time, we're not. She's not, I'm not.
I want that connection. I want people to walk up to me and my child and say 'you look so much alike, how sweet!' I want that. I want to know what that's like, what it's all like.
I'm ready to try again. And no, not just because of that woman. I've been ready .. I just, I'm enjoying the 'us' time because I know it'll be shelved again the minute we go back to the doctor. But I want you to know that I'm ready. I want this. Whenever you do, whenever you're ready. I want to try again.
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