b.d.p. (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} _deni) wrote,@ 2009-02-28 21:50:00 |
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King pointed something out to me yesterday amidst an arguement that I didn't even realize was an arguement. Though, I guess, come to think of it .. it was. I was upset and hurt about how things had gone down but I wasn't angry with him for going to lunch with the girl. They are friends. Or .. were? I don't know. And there in lies the problem. He pointed out to me that I don't know what went down between them. Before me and .. now. I have no idea. The details have always been a little hazy (the sexual ones can remain that way because I really don't need to know) but I can't help wondering if I really had stepped in on something that could have sprung up between them. If I'm not the guilty one who just happened to be in the right place at the right time.
If Desi hadn't left, would we be where we are right now? I don't regret how things have happened but I wonder if they would have happened if she hadn't disappeared. We were friends at the time, yes. Constantly making fun of each other but always talking about .. everything. Everything except any actual relationship status that might have been in the works at the time.
I remember when I first started talking to him, I thought he was such a whore. I wanted nothing to do with him in the biblical sense because of how I perceived him .. watching how he spoke to girls on the net. Somehow, our online bickering spawned this really odd friendship. Like when he came over before my surgery, the first time I met him in person .. and gained the nickname 'Blakenheimer.' I had no actual attraction to him. Sure, I thought he was hot, but he was such a jerk. Jerk kinda grows on you .. especially when he does those simple little things, nice things. Showing up in your hospital room just to make sure you're not alone, bringing you food that doesn't taste like Play Doh. Teaching you how to cook. Kissing you in the grocery store to get the produ ... yeah.
It's not like I intended to step in where I didn't belong .. if I did. He was my friend. I could talk to King about anything, everything. Well, almost everything. There was that one not-so-little secret I kept until very recently. But .. I think the fact that there was no real attraction there is what made it so easy for me to open up to him. I started with the talking, and then with the liking .. and then with the kissing, after the slapping.
What I saw in him was different from what I think she saw, what I think they had. But I don't know. He's right, I don't know what they had, what they did. So maybe it wasn't different and maybe I was the 'homewrecker.' But, even so, I won't give him up without a fight (if it came to that).
Yeah, so he can be stupid sometimes. Has those silly cases of word vomit that spill at the least opportune moments. But I can live with that because that's part of who he is. And I love all of who he is. So, if by some strange kharmic coincidence, I happened to be the bad guy initially? Oh fucking well. Deal with it. You had your chance and you fucked up. I love this man and I'm not letting him go. Even if it does mean he's 'stuck' with my jealous tendencies. And trust me, Gil, you are so unbelievably stuck!