When I woke up yesterday, everything was normal .. everything was happy and pleasant and sweet. I got to cuddle up to the man I love and enjoy a few moments of peace all wrapped up in his arms. I got to enjoy breakfast with my daughter after getting her ready to go to her grandparents. My daughter .. because .. I have a daughter. It may not be legal but .. she's mine. And for the first time yesterday .. I referred to myself as Mommy to her. Before yesterday .. it was easy to just assume that position without ever really acknowledging that that's who I am. I mean .. I felt it but I never really said it to her.

Yesterday .. changed a lot. I mean, not in this overwhelming way but .. everything was brought into focus. Which really sounds kind of stupid when I think about it. A car accident bringing things into focus when they've been there all along. And they have .. these feelings, all of it .. it's been there since the moment I met her, since the moment I met King.

Getting that phone call yesterday, hearing his voice .. how shakey he sounded, how scared and nervous and sorry .. I've never been more frightened in my entire life than in that exact second. Not even when that guy hurt me, when he held me down .. I was scared then but somehow I still had something to hold onto, something keeping me grounded. But hearing King's voice yesterday, knowing that he and Kayla had been in this accident, that .. in a single instant I may have lost the two people who have become so important to me, my family .. I was terrified. I couldn't get to them fast enough ..

I woke up this morning and just stared at him .. making sure he was still breathing. Afraid that if I touched him he'd go poof .. and all of it would be gone. But he's here. And Kayla's here. And all I wanted to do today was just sit and cuddle with her, talk to her, tell her how much I love her. How much I love them both ..

For the last few weeks, I've been so nervous and scared and jealous and .. afraid that some person would come and take it all away from me. And yesterday .. it all came into focus. I'm a terrible person for being the way I have, for pushing when there was no need to push, for thinking that just by .. I thought I was being open to his friendship with Desi but I wasn't. I was so scared that she'd take him away, that he'd realize he made this huge mistake when really it was just my own insecurities .. not so much that I didn't trust him, but that I didn't trust myself enough to let myself be loved, feel like I really was a part of a family, that I wasn't just going to get tossed aside.

I'm not making any sense here. I just .. I feel awful because I know that he'd never hurt me like that, I know that he loves me. He wouldn't have let me this far into his life otherwise. I know he's not going anywhere and that .. I need to learn that it's okay for there to be these other people in his life despite whatever past there may be. Despite everything .. because .. what we have is real and lasting and I shouldn't fear it disappearing.

I guess the point to this is .. I love King and I know that he loves me. In June, we'll be married .. and it's not because I just happened to be in the right place at the right time .. it's because this is how it was supposed to happen. It's because there was something there from the very start that linked us even though neither of us saw it coming, or even wanted it to at that point. And if things had been different, I think we still would've wound up exactly where we are. No .. I know they would have because after everything that I've been through in life .. I know that every so often, things really do work out for the best.

So I guess this is my roundabout way of calling a truce because I'd rather focus on the good things that are happening in my life than the potentially bad things that might have happened .. but aren't going to.