private.

When King decided to leave Cedars-Sinai for the UCLA Med Center, one of the main reasons was that he'd have a more set schedule and that he'd be able to spend three days a week with us. Unfortunately, since he's gotten there, we've maybe spent a few hours a week with him, very rarely a whole day. It seems as though we (Kayla and I) see him less now than we did before, despite the promise for an easier schedule. And I gotta say that I'm not really liking this .. I miss my husband. I miss having someone over the age of one to talk to on a regular basis. I adore my family and I ...

We started the fertility process back at the beginning of July. I've had two periods since then and .. obviously nobody wants to hear about all of that but I should have had a third one two weeks ago if the medication was making me regular and, well, I haven't. And it's kind of depressing because .. this process is just .. I'm worried that we're going through all of this and we're going to find out that we can't have a baby. I'm worried that there will just be so much stress, so many complications .. we hardly see each other right now .. is a baby even a good idea?

I want to be a Mom. I am a Mom but .. it would be amazing to have a baby that's ours, a mix of him and me. But is all of this worth what we might lose in the process? I miss my husband. I miss being close to him. I miss everything not being so stressed, me not being so crazy. I love our family and I would love to add to it, but not at the risk of losing what's already here.