b.d.p. (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} _deni) wrote,@ 2010-02-21 19:09:00 |
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For nine, almost ten weeks .. I got to feel like a normal girl. For nearly ten weeks, I was given a glimpse into what it might have been like if I hadn't been diagnosed with cancer at fifteen. After all the times I've cried, all the times I was sick and barely able to move because of the chemo, after everything that I let myself believe .. for almost ten weeks, I knew what it felt like to be pregnant, to have a baby growing inside of me. I knew what it felt like. I dealt with the morning sickness and being exhausted and all of the bad stuff. For just under ten weeks, I faced every morning with a smile despite the bumps because I thought .. for a split second .. that this was really going to happen, that I was really going to get to be a Mom and experience all of it.
I have never wanted something so much in my life. I was supposed to protect it, I was supposed to take care of it and make sure that it had a safe home to grow in, to be created in. I was supposed to do all of this .. stuff but .. maybe everything we've done to prepare, maybe it won't ever matter. Maybe I'm just damaged and those ten weeks .. that's all I'm ever going to get. It's all I'll ever be able to give him .. or me.
I hurt and I can't explain it. My heart aches. Physically, I'm fine but I hate that .. it was all for nothing. All the waiting and the trying .. all those mornings of waking up tired and sick .. they were for nothing. And it hurts.
My Mom was here and she tried to help me, she did. But she can't understand. It was so easy for her. My parents wanted a baby, so they tried .. and they got Bailey. He came almost exactly nine months after they decided that they wanted to start a family. It was so easy for them. And I love my Mom, but she doesn't get it. It'll never be easy for me. I may never get this, I may never be able to carry to term. And I only have so many chances .. I only had so many eggs saved. I just .. wish it was easier. And I wish it didn't hurt so much.
I don't want to push King away .. I need him right now. But I just .. I don't think I can give him what he wants. I wish it could be easy for us, that we could just .. be together and make a baby like everybody else. We're good together, why shouldn't it be easy?
I hate this. I hate that it hurts and I hate that I have these ten weeks in the back of my mind, breaking my heart over and over again. I hate this.
End Private.