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[09 Feb 2009|04:15pm] |
Nearly burnt the house down the other day .. taking a shower while dinner was on the stove. Smart, right?
Private -- King Only
I've never been more scared in my life than I was that day. I've been on the operating table twice, I've been through chemo, I fought cancer at the age of sixteen. But I still felt like I had some control there because it was my choice to go through with the surgeries and all the treatments. I felt like I had some sort power. But .. that man .. that guy who attacked me? He didn't give me a choice. He took away all my power and I couldn't stop him. I felt helpless, hopeless, and scared.
Every day, the bruises fade a little more. My side doesn't hurt when I laugh and my lip doesn't split open when I smile. But the image is still there .. burned into the back of my memory. I blame myself for riding the bus, for listening to my iPod, for not paying attention. I blame myself but it wasn't my fault. It wasn't. And it wasn't King's either. I've never blamed him .. he was the first person I asked for after it happened, the first person I wanted to see, wanted to touch.
I am trying so hard not to push him away. Most days, it's easy to just be us and forget it all happened. But we're both frustrated right now. It's hard.
I love him and I want to be with him. I want to marry him and be a family. June 6th .. it seems so far away. I want the comfort back. The ease we once shared .. physically. We come close but neither of us seem sure of .. I miss him. I miss us and I hate that man for this. He ruined everything .. made it so hard again.
I just .. I need him, I need us ..
End Private
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