InsaneJournal

PRIVATE ; KING ONLY
When I was younger, I used to have all sorts of dreams. When I was five, I wanted to be a zookeeper and play with the monkeys. When I was seven, I wanted to act like my big brother. When I was nine, I thought I could be a ballerina but .. apparently I waited to long to start. I used to dream about princes and castles, fairies and unicorns, talking rabbits in jackets and white gloves. I used to think that I could do or be anything when I got older.

I used to imagine what it would be like to grow up, meet that perfect guy, get married, and have three kids just like my Mom. My parents were always so happy when I was little. I know how sad she was when my Dad died. But that's .. not what I was getting at.

I used to think about all that stuff. The typical stuff that a little girl thinks about. What kind of man she'll marry, when she'll marry, if she'll be happy, how many kids she'll have, what will their names be. I thought about all of that stuff. Hell, I designed my own wedding dress when I was eleven, just for fun.

I used to picture my wedding. Small, intimate. Not flashy. The dress would probably be the most elaborate part. White lillies, lots of them. Maybe a garden or a beach or .. just somebody's backyard. Simple, elegant. I used to imagine the man waiting for me at the other end .. and as silly as it seems, I always pictured Gilbert Blythe. Not so much the Jonathan Crombie version from the movie but the book version. Tall. Dark haired. Dark eyed. Not too much muscle, but lean and graceful. A mischevious smile. Wit. Humor. Intelligence. This perfect man who maybe .. wasn't so perfect but still, he seemed right.

I used to think about that stuff a lot. All the guys I dated, I thought .. hey, maybe this guy is the one. And when I was fifteen .. and incredibly stupid .. I let myself believe that this guy who was two years older than me, who had spent so much time with me, who claimed to 'love' me .. would be there forever. I gave up my dream for something special and replaced it with a cold, less than intimate moment in the back seat of some guy's car. It lasted maybe five minutes, it hurt, and he didn't even bother to ask me if I was okay afterwards. When he kept pushing me for a repeat performance and I kept turning him down, he started to avoid me. And then when I found out I had cancer, he turned away all together.

A lot of my dreams vanished between the ages of 15 and 18. I was just trying to make it through each day. I didn't think about boys or sex or dating or marriage .. and kids were completely out of the question. Though, I have to say .. if I ever had had a kid, I would have wanted to name him or her Blythe. Just because.

I don't think about that stuff anymore. Or .. I try not to. I try to just focus on the here and now. And the me in the here and the now .. is no more ready for that stuff than I was at fifteen. My dream of candlelight and rose petals and soft music and a nice warm bed .. I gave up on that ages ago. I know that my idea of things is slightly jaded. I know that I expect so much. But that's only because I've experienced so little. And I'd just like .. I don't even know what I'd like.

I'm trying here. I really am. I like you, probably more than I should. And I know we're not dating, I get that. We've been on one date, which was a lot of fun. A lot. And you were a perfect gentleman. As you've been with me since day one. I don't expect you to understand why I'm not ready, why I can't just let things happen. And maybe none of my reasons make any sense. And I'm not spilling my guts here because I'm hinting at anything or .. whatever. I just .. I feel bad because I was an ass yesterday without really trying to be.

And so you know? I invited you to Thanksgiving because I wanted to include you in a tradition that's become important to me over the last few years. I want you to get to know the two most important people in my life since you've allowed me to get to know the most important person in yours. I was trying to let you in .. the only way I know how.

Anyway, I'm sorry. That's all I wanted to say.
END PRIVATE