Lily | Marlene
I just... it's so complicated, Lily. I don't know if... either of us are capable of this. Back home, during the war, it was easier to just not talk about how we felt. We spent time together when we could, we fucked, we drank and laughed and we comforted each other when it felt like there was nothing left in the world to hold onto, but then we also fought so damn much. It was like the minute either one of us... we got to close to something real, we had to push away. It was easy to push away, to say something cruel or break up right before one of us hand to go out onto an assignment.
I don't know, maybe because if we admitted to it, and then one of us died? Or was captured? I think I thought it would be easier if we were pissed off at each other or not together if something like that were to happen. I don't know, at least that's how I felt. It was easier to just pretend the feelings weren't there, but... now I think I know there's something.
And now I can't make it go away.
I don't know why I think Benjy wouldn't want it. Maybe because he his own background in the art of love is pretty fucked, I suppose? Because the relationship we have... the on again off again seems not conducive to anything remotely healthy?
But when he's not around, he's all I think about. Since here I'm not dead, if I had to look into the future, I would literally tear my hair out if I had to watch him with someone else. Or if I wasn't with him.
I don't know, Lils. I'm just a fucking mess. I may be a Gryffindor, but this is way beyond my whole courage and bravery threshold. Give me a fucking Death Eater to fight, or a cliff to jump off of? Fine. Tell me to figure out how the hell I feel, and how to navigate those feelings? And I turn into a damn baby.