InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "The banana ate Nana."

_marlymckinnon (_marlymckinnon) wrote,
@ 2015-11-02 23:43:00

[Moderate Ward to Lily Potter]
Lils.

I know... I know you're sort of going through some stuff right now.
Okay, that's like the understatement of the century, but you know.

But when you have a minute, do you think... we could talk?

I just... I need someone to talk to.

(Post a new comment)

	Lily \| Marlene hehasmyeyes 2015-11-03 04:54 am UTC (link)
	What is it? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Lily \| Marlene _marlymckinnon 2015-11-03 05:07 am UTC (link)
	When... when did you know you loved James? And how... how do you tell someone something like that? ~~Especially when you're afraid they don't want it.~~ (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Lily | Marlene

hehasmyeyes
2015-11-03 05:59 am UTC (link)

What a pair of questions to ask me right now.

Erm. For the first time? Probably at his parents' funeral? I'm not sure I realized it at the time. We hadn't been going out long. I'd lost my mother a few months earlier and being there reminded me of it obviously, but it hurt to know that he was going through the same thing. It broke my heart to see it. I wanted to be there for him, but I'm not sure if it really clicked until later. The thing is, it was gradual. It wasn't all at once. I fell in love with him over and over again, deeper every time. I think it was a year later that I told him. Or maybe six months? Death Eaters tried to recruit us and it felt to us like we barely got away. I think that's when I realized it, that I was completely in love with him. That I didn't want to imagine being without him. That I was terrified of losing him. I was so relieved and so scared-

I told him I loved him. I just said it. I needed to. I couldn't not, it needed to come out. It said everything I needed to say, it expressed everything -- my fear, my relief, all of it.

But that was me. If you asked James, it might be completely different. If you asked anyone else, it might be completely different. It's not a science, it's- almost anti-science. I've no idea what love feels like for anyone else, but for me, it's this.

Why don't you think that Benjy wants it?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Lily | Marlene

_marlymckinnon
2015-11-03 07:41 am UTC (link)

I just... it's so complicated, Lily. I don't know if... either of us are capable of this. Back home, during the war, it was easier to just not talk about how we felt. We spent time together when we could, we fucked, we drank and laughed ~~and we comforted each other when it felt like there was nothing left in the world to hold onto~~, but then we also fought so damn much. It was like the minute either one of us... we got to close to something real, we had to push away. It was easy to push away, to say something cruel or break up right before one of us hand to go out onto an assignment.

I don't know, maybe because if we admitted to it, and then one of us died? Or was captured? I think I thought it would be easier if we were pissed off at each other or not together if something like that were to happen. I don't know, at least that's how I felt. It was easier to just pretend the feelings weren't there, but... now I think I know there's something.

And now I can't make it go away.

I don't know why I think Benjy wouldn't want it. Maybe because he his own background in the art of love is pretty fucked, I suppose? Because the relationship we have... the on again off again seems not conducive to anything remotely healthy?

But when he's not around, he's all I think about. Since here I'm not dead, if I had to look into the future, I would literally tear my hair out if I had to watch him with someone else. Or if I wasn't with him.

I don't know, Lils. I'm just a fucking mess. I may be a Gryffindor, but this is way beyond my whole courage and bravery threshold. Give me a fucking Death Eater to fight, or a cliff to jump off of? Fine. Tell me to figure out how the hell I feel, and how to navigate those feelings? And I turn into a damn baby.

Am I even making the slightest bit of sense?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Lily \| Marlene hehasmyeyes 2015-11-03 08:36 am UTC (link)
	Yes. Have you been off and on since you got here too? Or just back home when you kept pushing each other away? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Lily \| Marlene _marlymckinnon 2015-11-03 08:42 am UTC (link)
	Mostly on, until the whole acromantula thing. I said some really awful, terrible shite because.. well, I don't know why. Because I thought that's what needed to be done. That we needed to fight. But it felt wrong after. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Lily | Marlene

hehasmyeyes
2015-11-03 08:47 am UTC (link)

So apologize. You're the one who broke it off this time. Presumably he would've been happy to stay on. Otherwise, you've been on for a while. You only break up when there's danger. You break up to keep from hurting each other more.

I don't know. It's a bit twisted, and I obviously don't know the intricacies of your relationship, I'm not there for the nitty-gritty bits, but it sounds like love to me.

Apologize. Start talking again. Tell him why you broke up with him. Tell him what you told me. Even if you don't use that precise word right away, at least it opens up discussion. You'd be saying it without saying it. If he's clever, he might even hear it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Lily | Marlene

_marlymckinnon
2015-11-03 07:26 pm UTC (link)

I did but... I just don't know if I can promise not to do it again? It's just like second nature after all these years. My fucking mouth runs before my brain has a chance to think. I'm not sure if "normal" is really something I'm capable of.

You really think so?

Yeah... I can try. I guess I'm just afraid it's only me. And if it is, I won't know how to handle it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Lily \| Marlene hehasmyeyes 2015-11-04 03:33 am UTC (link)
	So you work at it. Together. Yes. It's probably not. But if it is, you'll figure it out. You'll have your friends... You'll be alright. (Reply to this) (Parent)