Cinco
Dear Witch Weekly,

Otherwise known to the masses as Gossip Trash Shit Bin and Friends.

If you're going to call yourself a gossip rag, I think you need to be schooled in the ways of writing. Like seriously, where did you learn your gossip skills, the gutter? Daycare? You can do better than this.

Anyway, for future reference, here are some better headlines that will definitely capture the attention of your readers. These are just suggestions, mind you, and they are all trademarks of Rushden INC. My brilliant headline making skills are always up for purchase, however, at the right price.

Suggestions:
1. Cthulhu the Dark Lord Rises from Slumber, Eats Tea and Crumpets at London Hot Spot. Sinners Repent Before He Gains a Taste for Human Blood.
2. Debilitating Cases of Erectile Dysfunction Linked to Martian Chemical in Chocolate Frogs.
3. Normal, Heterosexual Couple Gives Birth to 10 Headed Baby Hippogriff in Mungo's Top Secret Ward.
4. Beauty and the Beast Based on Real Life Events of Overly Hairy Hogwarts Graduate. Details at 9.
5. Minister of Magic Eats Radioactive Bertie Bots, Sprouts Wings, Becomes Supreme Overlord.


See how much more exciting and readable that is? Your fan base will literally double, according to a statistical study done in by bathroom sink by amoeba, and you can't argue with those results.

Also, you're welcome.