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Nueve
It seems our ever favorite publication of Witch Weekly has failed to get the true story once again. But never fear, Lia's Tales of Tantalizing Truth is here to set the record straight for all. Hold on to your hats, because you're all in for a bumpy ride!
Sudden Wedding Cover up for Alien Baby Assimilation Scheme
While it seems the Cornfoot and Greengrass families are sticking hard to their falsified story of young, romantic love, inside sources claim that the truth of the matter is none other than Miss Daphne herself was recently abducted by atrocious aliens, implanting their demonic alien baby army in her fertile and fabulous womb. But that's not all folks! Upon more digging and sleuthing it actually seems that Daphne is not Daphne at all, but a top secret experiment gone horribly wrong by the muggle government, who just happened to be snatched up by this arduous alien race.
But that begs the real question, what has happened to the young and lovely Miss Greengrass we all know and... well.. know? Are they holding her hostage somewhere? Did she ever really exist at all? Perhaps only time will tell, but our dedicated reporters are more than ready to crack that can of worms!
Even more disturbing is what does this mean for our poor, Stephen Cornfoot? Did he realize he was being married to the mother of a new alien race? Did his father sign a deal with the devil, and the poor boy is just a pitiful pawn in a Pureblood scheme gone horribly awry? Sources say that in fact, the Elder Cornfoot did indeed sign a pact with the notorious Beelzebub, as they were caught canoodling quietly in a secluded corner of Knockturn a week before said nuptials took place.
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Bulstrode Bombarded with Boisterous Claims, Only Working in Cahoots with her Cat Companion
In other news, while it seems our very own Millicent Bulstrode has been at the center of quite a bit of controversy, what is truly marvelous about this entire tale is how wickedly wonderful Witch Weekly is at fooling all of you! While you clamber and crawl for the inside scoop of this notoriously beautiful and charming witch, the true story lies not with Millicent herself, but with her darling cat. That's right folks, it's not in fact Miss Millicent who claims the crowds of curious creatures, but really, her fabulous fluffball!
Because in fact, our most secretive of sleuths have uncovered the real truth: he's not a cat at all, but an extremely clever animagus by the name of Clancy Clow! Witch Weekly thought it too scandalous to reveal the truth to you hoards of adoring fans, and while Millie has been a good sport, it's all in the effort to protect the identity of her most sacred of pals. Really, we should all look to Millicent in wonder and awe for her truthful tale of what friendship should be.
Now don't all of you feel silly!
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Orgies and Ministries and Poppies, oh my!
Our final story of the day is short and sweet, my delightful divas and duders. While WW reports continuously on the ongoing Ministry of Magic sex scandal, our super secret reporters have uncovered an even deeper story that will shake you to your very soul!
Deeply undercover sources claim that the continuously creeped on couples within the Ministry itself are not in fact, actual individuals with an insatiable sex drive, but mythical Lotus Eaters! You heard right, dear readers, Lotophagi have infiltrated the Ministry! What does this mean for future politics, only time will truly tell. But I for one, dear readers, offer you the only piece of advice I can give in this type of dire situation: Don't eat the poppy seed muffins! |