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[25 May 2010|11:07am] |
This morning, I turned in my final project. I have to wait until the end of the week to find out what my grade is on it, but it's finally done. I'm finally done. Hopefully my professors think I put enough effort and thought into the whole thing that I get a grade decent enough to pass. If so, I'll be graduating with the rest of my class on the 8th.
Mandie Only.
I gotta admit that when I heard that she was pregnant .. when she first told me? It caught me completely off guard. I went instantly numb. Not because I was angry or upset about the news .. and not even that I was .. I don't know. It wasn't awful. I was just numb. I felt like the world stopped for a minute and that in the next few seconds, she was going to tell me that she didn't want to keep it or that she hated me for this. I was waiting for the bigger bomb to drop because to me? The whole .. news of being pregnant wasn't this huge bomb. It's not exactly what either of us were seeking out in life at this exact point in time but I can think of a million worse things to have happen. I've always been the kind of guy who wanted that life, who wanted to be the family man. I just never had anybody in my life that I wanted it with.
Now, I'm not going to jump the gun here and speak my undying love for the woman. I'm just not. We don't know each other well enough for that. We know each other, yes. But there's so much more to it. It's too soon to talk about love and forever. But .. she's my family. She's a part of me now and that says something. Before, I couldn't picture myself in her life past tomorrow. I was just going with it, hoping she'd find a reason to keep me around when she woke up every morning. I like her. A lot. I want to be a part of her life and if I couldn't be that like we are now? Or .. like I was when she left a few weeks back? I guess I would have been content to just be her friend but it would have hurt because I .. I don't know, I got close to her and she became important to me. Just as important as you are and .. Dani wasis.
I was scared that if I said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing .. she'd turn and run. And when she told me she was pregnant? I still felt that way. Like this was going to make her push me away. I know this isn't the life she wanted, I know I've cut her dreams short because of all this. And .. well, I feel like it's my fault that she can't be doing what she wants to be doing, that she can't be out there chasing all those storms she loves. And I worry that, despite the fact that we're going to have a baby together, she'll end up resenting me someday.
I want to be a part of her life. I want to be with her, with our baby. I want to do this together, all of it. But I'm still afraid that she's going to wake up one day and decide I'm not good enough for her. I want to believe that we have something worth fighting for, worth toughing it all out for. Christ, I don't know. I just .. I don't want her to go. Now that she's here, now that we're a we .. I don't know if I could handle her waking up and realizing she'd rather do it all on her own, that the 'good guy' isn't what she wants. Even the thought of it makes my chest hurt.
Sorry for unloading this on you, I just needed a chance to get it all out there. Figured maybe I could stop worrying about it once it wasn't just stirring in my head anymore.
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