InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Ojalá no estuviera tan sola~"

penn arthur royce (_penn) wrote,
@ 2010-05-25 11:07:00

This morning, I turned in my final project. I have to wait until the end of the week to find out what my grade is on it, but it's finally done. I'm finally done. Hopefully my professors think I put enough effort and thought into the whole thing that I get a grade decent enough to pass. If so, I'll be graduating with the rest of my class on the 8th.

Mandie Only.
I gotta admit that when I heard that she was pregnant .. when she first told me? It caught me completely off guard. I went instantly numb. Not because I was angry or upset about the news .. and not even that I was .. I don't know. It wasn't awful. I was just numb. I felt like the world stopped for a minute and that in the next few seconds, she was going to tell me that she didn't want to keep it or that she hated me for this. I was waiting for the bigger bomb to drop because to me? The whole .. news of being pregnant wasn't this huge bomb. It's not exactly what either of us were seeking out in life at this exact point in time but I can think of a million worse things to have happen. I've always been the kind of guy who wanted that life, who wanted to be the family man. I just never had anybody in my life that I wanted it with.

Now, I'm not going to jump the gun here and speak my undying love for the woman. I'm just not. We don't know each other well enough for that. We know each other, yes. But there's so much more to it. It's too soon to talk about love and forever. But .. she's my family. She's a part of me now and that says something. Before, I couldn't picture myself in her life past tomorrow. I was just going with it, hoping she'd find a reason to keep me around when she woke up every morning. I like her. A lot. I want to be a part of her life and if I couldn't be that like we are now? Or .. like I was when she left a few weeks back? I guess I would have been content to just be her friend but it would have hurt because I .. I don't know, I got close to her and she became important to me. Just as important as you are and .. Dani ~~was~~is.

I was scared that if I said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing .. she'd turn and run. And when she told me she was pregnant? I still felt that way. Like this was going to make her push me away. I know this isn't the life she wanted, I know I've cut her dreams short because of all this. And .. well, I feel like it's my fault that she can't be doing what she wants to be doing, that she can't be out there chasing all those storms she loves. And I worry that, despite the fact that we're going to have a baby together, she'll end up resenting me someday.

I want to be a part of her life. I want to be with her, with our baby. I want to do this together, all of it. But I'm still afraid that she's going to wake up one day and decide I'm not good enough for her. I want to believe that we have something worth fighting for, worth toughing it all out for. Christ, I don't know. I just .. I don't want her to go. Now that she's here, now that we're a we .. I don't know if I could handle her waking up and realizing she'd rather do it all on her own, that the 'good guy' isn't what she wants. Even the thought of it makes my chest hurt.

Sorry for unloading this on you, I just needed a chance to get it all out there. Figured maybe I could stop worrying about it once it wasn't just stirring in my head anymore.

(Post a new comment)

aesthetical
2010-05-25 04:06 pm UTC (link)

You're going to do wonderful. I just know it. And then we are going to celebrate everything. All at once. One big crazy event.

Penn.
This thing that you two have, even before you add baby into the mix, it is worth fighting for. It's important because it's important to you. To both of you. And okay, so no, it wasn't exactly what either of you were planning. But neither was your whole connection in the first place. Fate decided and set things into motion. Yes, I'm aware. I'm a nerd who believes in silly things like Fate and Destiny and all that crazy stuff. But you really can't deny that there was a higher power at work there. I mean, look around. How many people throw caution to the wind on a regular basis and don't get pregnant? How many are overly cautious because they don't think they're ready and then find that test coming back positive?

And while it may be too soon to talk about forever, it is never too soon to talk about love, you weirdo. Some people fall in love the minute they meet a person. I mean, god - some people marry someone after a weekend and they stay together for the rest of their lives. We don't always get to control that. But whatever. I'm rambling like some dorky schoolgirl. The fact is Chase is your family now. Chase and the baby (who is so going to be spoiled, by the way, because Auntie Mandie is already ready to go baby shopping) - they're...home, in a way. I know that probably makes no sense. But I don't think you're going to have to worry. I don't think Chase is going to run. And I don't think, in the long run, she'll resent you. You two are about to take on one hell of an adventure.

Deep breaths, Penn. It's going to be fine. You want to be with her - be with her. Maybe I'm not seeing all of the angles, but in my head, it really is just that simple for the two of you. Let the guards down and go. It's going to be okay.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

Mandie.

_penn
2010-05-25 04:36 pm UTC (link)

The idea of her being gone for months because it was her job? I was furious. When she finally told me how long it was going to be, I felt physically ill, like somebody had punched me in the gut. It .. it wasn't a good feeling and I didn't want to think about her not being around. We got into this huge fight about it and while all I wanted to tell her was that I didn't want her to go, I just .. yelled at her and glared. I actually glared at her. I don't glare!

Somehow .. it all just kind of happened. We threw caution to the wind without even realizing we were doing it. It was more of a .. physical reaction to the idea of not being around one another, a grasping at straws, wanting to be as close to her as possible because I knew she wouldn't be there in just a few days. That she'd be gone, pulled away from me like a piece had just been cut out. I .. crap.

I don't want her to be gone. I don't want her to be away from me. I feel like everything is falling apart when she isn't there, when I know she's further away than a phone call and a ten minute drive. I feel like my day isn't complete if I haven't spoken to her for at least five minutes. I miss the way she used to kiss me when I opened the door without ever even saying hello. I find it harder to sleep in my own bed now if she's not in it. I've gotten so used to her being there in the last couple of weeks.

I don't want her to run. But if I drop the guards, if I tell her all of this .. even with you telling me that it's going to be okay, I don't think it will be. I think it'll scare her away.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Penn. aesthetical 2010-05-25 04:59 pm UTC (link)
	Should I start the whole Rocky loves Emily thing again? 'Cause I will. And you know that. You two need to talk it all out. Explain how you feel. Listen to how she feels. Figure out where you two are headed and what you're going to do next. You just have to take it a step at a time. Baby steps, you know? ~~Haha..okay, that was lame.~~ (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Mandie. _penn 2010-05-25 05:09 pm UTC (link)
	No, you don't need to start that all over again. I get it, okay. Fighting the inevitable here. And you're right, I do need to sit down and talk to her. But talking hasn't really been her thing lately and I don't want to push it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Penn. aesthetical 2010-05-25 05:23 pm UTC (link)
	Well, there's really only so much the two of you can do without words. And I am so going to pretend that I didn't say that because you definitely do not want to know where my mind went just then. But yes. I've told you that you need to talk to her. I've told her that she needs to talk to you. Eventually, you two crazies will listen to me! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	caroyce 2010-05-25 04:20 pm UTC (link)
	Well, I think this calls for a celebratory dinner. And .. I think your grade is going to be amazing, and that I'm extremely proud of you. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	_penn 2010-05-25 04:39 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah? That's good .. I kind of like you being proud of me. As for this dinner, you hungry for anything specific? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	caroyce 2010-05-25 04:43 pm UTC (link)
	I've always been proud of you and your dreams, P-Royce. It's one of the things I've always ~~loved~~liked about you. Hahaha. No. Not particularly. And, you're the one this celebratory dinner is for. So, the better question is .. what are you hungry for? Although .. if you say Tacos, I may just have to vomit. Twice. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_penn 2010-05-25 04:47 pm UTC (link)
	So. No tacos. Got it. How does some Indian food sound to you? I could go for something spicy. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	caroyce 2010-05-25 04:51 pm UTC (link)
	Why, did you actually want tacos? Haha. Uhm. I think I can do Indian food. I know I've had non-spicy-ish dishes before. Really, though, I will be able to find something to eat no matter what you choose, so. If Indian food is what you want, Indian food is what we'll get. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_penn 2010-05-25 04:52 pm UTC (link)
	No, I didn't actually want tacos. I just want to find something you'll be able to eat, too. So .. Indian food it is. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	caroyce 2010-05-25 04:57 pm UTC (link)
	If worse comes to worse, I will find a new love for rice. With that said, what else is on your plate today? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_penn 2010-05-25 04:58 pm UTC (link)
	Nothing as of yet. You? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	caroyce 2010-05-25 05:03 pm UTC (link)
	Baaaaad answer, Royce. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_penn 2010-05-25 05:11 pm UTC (link)
	~~Well, I could have said that you were on my plate .. rather than asking what was on yours. That's stupid, don't say that.~~ Yeah, well. I live to be bad. ~~Right, cause that was better, jackass.~~ (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	caroyce 2010-05-25 05:15 pm UTC (link)
	I can tell. ~~Hahahaha~~ You're just .. bad to the bone. ~~Too funny. Way too funny.~~ I'll rephrase the question. Got time for lil ol' me? I mean, I wouldn't want to interrupt your regularly scheduled bad boy time. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_penn 2010-05-25 05:21 pm UTC (link)
	Oh yes. I'm just a horrid human being. The worst of the worst. Ha! And I always have time for lil ol' you. Without question. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	caroyce 2010-05-25 05:24 pm UTC (link)
	You are. Heart of black, that's you to a T. Good. Then expect a knock innnnn .. oh, hell. I won't give you too much warning. Soon enough? (Reply to this) (Parent)