penn arthur royce (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} _penn) wrote, |
The idea of her being gone for months because it was her job? I was furious. When she finally told me how long it was going to be, I felt physically ill, like somebody had punched me in the gut. It .. it wasn't a good feeling and I didn't want to think about her not being around. We got into this huge fight about it and while all I wanted to tell her was that I didn't want her to go, I just .. yelled at her and glared. I actually glared at her. I don't glare!
Somehow .. it all just kind of happened. We threw caution to the wind without even realizing we were doing it. It was more of a .. physical reaction to the idea of not being around one another, a grasping at straws, wanting to be as close to her as possible because I knew she wouldn't be there in just a few days. That she'd be gone, pulled away from me like a piece had just been cut out. I .. crap.
I don't want her to be gone. I don't want her to be away from me. I feel like everything is falling apart when she isn't there, when I know she's further away than a phone call and a ten minute drive. I feel like my day isn't complete if I haven't spoken to her for at least five minutes. I miss the way she used to kiss me when I opened the door without ever even saying hello. I find it harder to sleep in my own bed now if she's not in it. I've gotten so used to her being there in the last couple of weeks.
I don't want her to run. But if I drop the guards, if I tell her all of this .. even with you telling me that it's going to be okay, I don't think it will be. I think it'll scare her away.